“Two hours before the execution, I entered the prison cell to provide psychological counseling to the death – row inmate.
The death – row inmate said, “Soon I’ll be shot, and everything will come to an end. What a boring ending. But I still want to struggle a bit – how can I reverse this boring outcome?”
“How about I tell you a story, Doctor Lu?”
His ambiguous smile sent a chill down my spine. With only two hours left, was he trying to appeal the case?
1
After graduating from university in 2005, I was assigned to the reform – through – education department of a men’s prison in the southwestern mountains and became a psychological counselor. My daily work was to provide psychological education to inmates, helping them correct their unhealthy psychology for better reform.
There was an inmate named Chen Yuan who wasn’t originally my key concern. He was sentenced to death with a two – year reprieve for intentional homicide and had been serving his sentence for over a year. His performance was mediocre, neither particularly active nor disobedient. He always followed orders and never had conflicts with others. He was taciturn on weekdays and had little presence among the complex – situation inmates.
As long as he remained well – behaved for a few more months, Chen Yuan could pass the two – year reprieve period and have his sentence reduced to life imprisonment.
But then something unexpected happened.
Some time ago, Chen Yuan suddenly attacked his cellmate violently. It was a one – sided assault, with every punch aimed at a vital spot. In just over ten seconds, he severely injured the man, who later died. The duty police officers didn’t have time to react.
His well – behaved performance over the past year had almost made people forget that Chen Yuan was a murderer who dismembered his victims. Only because of the clever defense could he receive the grace of a two – year reprieve.
Now Chen Yuan had finally reached the end he deserved. Committing an intentional crime during the death – row reprieve period with a flagrant plot meant there was no need for further reprieve. The death penalty became a certainty.
After the judgment was announced, we notified the inmate one day in advance. Chen Yuan learned that the last 24 hours of his life had been arranged clearly.
Tomorrow, he could meet his relatives, take a good bath, have a good meal, receive psychological counseling, and then be identified and handed over for execution.
Chen Yuan showed a strange expression and didn’t say anything.
I asked, “Do you have any questions?”
“No.”
2
The next day, Chen Yuan was escorted to the execution prison, and as a psychological counselor, I also needed to accompany him.
Family members can be arranged to meet before the execution, but Chen Yuan was an orphan with no family. No one had ever visited him before, and no one came to say goodbye to him now.
The only person Chen Yuan had contact with was a male friend named He Wenxi. They corresponded every two months.
The letters of inmates must be reviewed to ensure the content is normal before being delivered. Chen Yuan’s letters were just greetings to ask about the other person and his family’s situation, and the other person would reply in detail. There was nothing wrong with the content of the letters, but there was a subtle sense of intimacy between the lines, which didn’t seem like that of ordinary friends. The colleagues in the mailroom, after careful consideration, discovered this and came to a shocking conclusion.
But this close friend, He Wenxi, had never appeared in the visiting room either.
The last reply letter was special. It was written by He Wenxi’s wife. She had noticed something strange and wrote to ask who Chen Yuan was.
Only then did we know that He Wenxi had recently gotten married. We speculated that this was the reason why Chen Yuan suddenly went crazy.
Now, with handcuffs and shackles on, Chen Yuan dictated his last letter to He Wenxi, still with ordinary greetings, adding a sentence “No need to reply.”
Two hours before the execution, I went to provide psychological counseling to Chen Yuan.
Chen Yuan looked gentle and scholarly, like a reader, but the scar and burn marks on his face added a bit of ferocity.
He sat upright in the middle of the cell, looking unusually calm.
Even the toughest inmates usually repent and cry at this stage, but Chen Yuan gave me the feeling that he didn’t seem to be facing death at all.
I said, “Chen Yuan, there are only two hours left. You need to be mentally prepared. Do you have anything to say?”
Chen Yuan said, “I’m about to die, and you’re still concerned about my mental health. It’s a waste of effort.”
“This is necessary humanitarian care.” But I felt he really didn’t need it.
“Doctor Lu, I heard that you’re a top student in criminal psychology, but now you’re doing this. Isn’t it a bit of a waste of talent?”
I was speechless for a moment.
Chen Yuan continued, “I’ve also studied psychology. Real psychology isn’t as useless as this.”
I picked up the conversation, “So, where is the use of the psychology you’ve learned?”
“Do you want to know?” He paused and said meaningfully, “Soon I’ll be shot, and everything will come to an end. What a boring ending. But I still want to struggle a bit – how can I reverse this boring outcome?”
“Are you trying to appeal the case?”
“How about I tell you a story, Doctor Lu?”
I nodded, “This is your right. I’m all ears. But time is running out.”
3
Chen Yuan’s account (1) –
Outside is the Xishan Execution Ground. I’m very familiar with this place because my original home was near here. Returning here now is like going home. It seems to be a kind of ‘facing death unflinchingly’.
In 1995, I was 15 years old and in the second grade of junior high school. My mother brought me here, to the staff dormitory of the No. 2 Machinery Factory in Xishan County. Now that area has been abandoned.
Our dormitory building was in the last row, right next to the Xishan Execution Ground. There was a barbed – wire fence and a row of cedar trees between them.
But looking out from the window of the room, you could still glimpse the scene of the execution ground through the trees.
Every morning at six o’clock, after getting up, I would use a telescope to observe the execution scene.
Early in the morning, the sun was still on the other side of the mountain, and the entire execution ground was still shrouded in the blue morning light. The death – row inmates were escorted to the execution ground. All these living people, as long as they stood on that land, without exception, hung their shoulders and looked gloomy and lifeless, as if their souls had left their bodies.
When the guns were loaded, they suddenly woke up. Some pleaded desperately, some cried bitterly, some struggled to run away, and many were so scared that they lost control of their bowels and bladder. But in the end, they were always subdued obediently.
Then they knelt on the ground, opened their mouths wide at the signal of the judicial police, and awaited the judgment from behind. When the gunshots rang out, few birds were startled, and the mountains returned to tranquility.
The process of waiting for execution was torment, but when the time came, it was just a moment.
But once dead, they were really dead, lying motionless on the ground. No matter whether they had cried, laughed, run, or made noise before, in the end, they all lay motionless on the ground, turning into a corpse.
Their expressions were calm and serene. Because their mouths were opened wide, the bullets entered from the back of the head and exited from the mouth, so their faces wouldn’t be too severely damaged, making it easier to handle the aftermath.
At that time, I was fifteen years old. I would look at the execution ground every morning. I was both scared and eager to watch. After watching, I would tremble all over, get goosebumps, and my head would buzz, as if the bullet had entered my head.
I almost endured such a’shot’ every day and then went to school.
Doctor Lu, isn’t such an experience quite special?
4
After listening to Chen Yuan’s account, I said, “It’s indeed special. The No. 2 Machinery Factory in Xishan you mentioned is also nearby and has been abandoned for many years. But I can’t be sure if this is your real experience. The story itself is a bit strange.”
He asked, “What’s strange about it?”
“You said at the beginning that your mother brought you here, so your mother worked at the No. 2 Machinery Factory in Xishan, right? I can’t believe that any mother would let her child face the execution scene directly. Didn’t she know anything about it?”
“No, she knew.”
5
Chen Yuan’s account (2) –
I peeked at the execution ground every day. My mother knew about this, and this was exactly her intention.
Actually, it wasn’t because my mother found a job at the machinery factory that we had to move here. The causal relationship was wrong.
My mother chose to work here because she knew there was an execution ground here and wanted to move here.
The machinery factory dormitory was already our third home.
When I was a child, I was smart and cute, loved by everyone, and was the pride of my parents.
But since the second grade of primary school, my personality gradually became gloomy.
I started to often bully my classmates. At first, I just locked my classmates in the abandoned storage room and watched everyone anxiously looking for them. By the fifth grade, I directly beat someone to a concussion and sent them to the hospital.
My parents apologized and compensated countless times, paying a lot of money. Teachers and parents took turns to educate me, but I just couldn’t change.
My mother cried night after night, saying, “You were so good before. Why did you become like this? Did mom and dad do something wrong?”
Every time my father was called by the teacher, he would come back and whip me severely with a belt, and then make me stand for punishment all night. The last time he whipped me especially severely, making me curl up on the ground unable to move.
But at a certain moment, when he met my eyes, he stopped. He suddenly felt scared and said that one day, I would kill him.
Not long after, my father left and never came back.
In the fifth grade, I was expelled from school. Because of my bad reputation, no other nearby schools dared to accept me.
My mother had no choice but to take me and move away from that area.
My mother knew the story of Mencius’s mother moving three times. She took me to live near a university in the city, hoping that I would be influenced by civilization.
At the new school, the teachers liked me because I had good academic performance, was polite, and obedient. My mother also thought that I had finally changed for the better and heaved a sigh of relief.
But this was all because I was good at pretending.
Not two years later, in the first grade of junior high school, I teamed up with human traffickers and almost abducted the female college student next door.
The female college student’s boyfriend refused to give up and came to my school to make trouble. The teacher called me to confront, and I went with a dagger hidden in my pocket, almost causing a disaster.
My mother knelt in the principal’s office, begging the principal to be lenient.
The principal was firm. He said that I had no bottom line and no family education, and such a child with bad conduct would surely commit a crime sooner or later. The school couldn’t bear the consequences and told my mother to take care.
Then I was expelled again.
My mother got a serious illness. After recovering, she seemed to be much more awake.
She took me and moved again, to here.
The dormitory building on the west side of the No. 2 Machinery Factory in Xishan was shunned by other workers’ families because it was next to the Xishan Execution Ground.
Whoever was unlucky enough to have such a ‘viewing room’ would seal up the window on that side with wooden boards, closing it permanently to avoid accidentally seeing something they shouldn’t.
My mother took similar measures, but she used newspapers, which not only sealed the window but also didn’t affect the lighting.
And the window pasted with newspapers could still be opened.
She even made a flower rack outside the window of my room, moved a red clay pot up, and planted an orchid. She would water or prune it every morning, with her head down and eyes lowered, not daring to look into the distance.
But she left the window ajar for ventilation, so that I could directly observe the execution scene as soon as I got up.
I understood my mother’s intentions. She knew that positive influence wouldn’t work, so she chose reverse education, letting me see how bad people were shot, hoping that I could empathize, be afraid, and thus restrain myself and become a good person.
At first, I was really shocked by the executions. I became a good boy who studied hard again.
But only I knew that I was very suffering inside. I endured the desire to do evil, and even started to self – harm because of the pain.
There were self – harm scars on my arms and legs, and my spirit was on the verge of collapse.
It’s not easy to restrain oneself from committing crimes.
Doctor Lu, look.
6
Chen Yuan, with handcuffs on, found it inconvenient to roll up his sleeves, so he lowered his head and bit the sleeve to pull it up, showing me the old scars on his arm.
“It seems you were really suffering at that time.” I summarized, “For the sake of educating her anti – social son, the mother moved to a place near the execution ground. This is really a last – resort method. Mencius’s mother would be impressed.”
Chen Yuan said, “But this made me even more Suppression. Forcing correction in this way, wouldn’t it make a person’s psychology more Distortion?”
“You’re right.” I hesitated, “However, let’s not lead the problem to mental illness. You don’t have these problems, and you’ve already received the most just judgment. If you’re counting on this to appeal the case, it’s impossible.”
Chen Yuan said, “I’m just objectively stating some facts.”
I shook my head, “Then again, whether it’s true or not, I can’t verify. I only know that your criminal facts are clear. In the last moments, think about what you’ve done.
“The Zhou Hongxing family was originally very happy. You killed him out of hatred because of a few words of argument with Zhou Hongxing, casting a shadow over a originally happy family. After being imprisoned, you didn’t make progress and committed a major mistake again. You killed your cellmate Ma Ming because of another argument. – There’s no reason for you to commit crimes and casually carry two lives on your back.”
Chen Yuan said, “Just because of a little argument, I killed two people. My emotional management ability is really poor, isn’t it, Doctor Lu?”
I was speechless for a moment.
As a psychological counselor, I was clear about the mental states of most inmates in the prison.
Some inmates had large emotional fluctuations and poor self – control ability, and they often needed my counseling. These inmates were often my key concerns.
And as I said before, Chen Yuan wasn’t my key concern. Because since he was imprisoned, his performance had been okay, and his emotions were very stable, not requiring my worry. I hadn’t said more than a few words to him before, and I knew very little about him.
The inmate Ma Ming who was killed was imprisoned for molesting and killing children. He was the scum of the earth, the object of disdain and bullying in prison, and was targeted everywhere. It was precisely because Chen Yuan had a relatively calm personality and didn’t cause trouble that the two were arranged to share a cell, and they got along peacefully for a while.
Thinking about it this way, Chen Yuan really didn’t seem like the kind of person who would impulsively kill someone because of a few words of argument. But the fact was a foregone conclusion.
I said, “Those motives for killing you confessed to yourself.”
“Is that so.” Chen Yuan’s expression was calm, “The story isn’t over yet.”
With the execution approaching, was he trying to retract his previous confession?
I looked at the time.
“There’s still an hour and a half. Go on.”
7
Chen Yuan’s account (3) –
In order to turn me into a normal person, my mother took me to live near the execution ground for reverse education.
But after seeing too many execution scenes, I got used to it. The reactions of those about to be executed were always just a few types, and they always died in the same way. I gradually thought that the death penalty was just so – so.
Reverse education not only didn’t make me a good person, but instead made me more accepting of the end of a bad person.
My mother was completely unaware of this. She still opened that window for me every day with her head down.
Of course, my mother didn’t give up on the positive approach either.
There was a Doctor Yang who ran a clinic in the town and also worked part – time as a psychologist. In those days, not many people went for psychological counseling. Most of the time, he just treated minor illnesses like colds and fevers.
And I became his regular patient, receiving psychological treatment from him.
In order to cover up my treatment, my mother even dated this fifty – something bachelor Doctor Yang, saying it was to let Doctor Yang help take care of the child.
The people in the town laughed at her behind her back, saying that her son was already so old, and she was still thinking about men.
She continued dating and didn’t skimp on the treatment fees. Psychological treatment was very expensive, and the medicine was even more expensive. Because Doctor Yang didn’t have the qualification to prescribe psychiatric drugs, he got the medicine for me through illegal channels.
It wasn’t that we couldn’t go to a regular hospital for treatment and get medicine, but my mother didn’t want to.
Keeping all this hidden was just because my mother didn’t want me to have a record of mental treatment. She hoped that I could be cured quietly without affecting my future life.
She had great trust in Doctor Yang’s abilities and always believed that I still had a future.
It was precisely because of my mother that I didn’t have any record of mental treatment.
Doctor Yang thought that I had developed an anti – social personality due to childhood trauma. He said that he could find my psychological shadow through hypnosis, dig out my hidden pain, and reshape my subconscious to achieve the purpose of treatment.
It sounded miraculous, but it never succeeded once.
Because an important prerequisite for successful hypnosis is trust. I couldn’t trust Doctor Yang, so he couldn’t dig out anything.
Since he couldn’t cure the root cause, he could only treat the symptoms. Doctor Yang prescribed me a drug called chlorpromazine, which could help people stabilize their emotions and suppress the impulse to commit crimes.
But this drug had great side – effects. It could easily make people become dull, sleepy, and also cause cognitive impairment. He prescribed the medicine for me as usual, but I never took it once. As a result, neither the root cause nor the symptoms were treated.
This was not a bad thing for Doctor Yang. If he couldn’t cure me, he could keep treating me, and I would always be his patient. In the end, I would just go to the clinic to eat snacks and read books, really fulfilling the pretext of “taking care of the child.”
Doctor Yang and I joined forces to deceive my mother, and only my mother was kept in the dark.
In order to afford my high treatment costs, my mother not only worked in the machinery factory but also took on several part – time jobs in her spare time. At that time, she was not yet forty years old, but half of her hair had turned white.
Sometimes in my dreams at midnight, I heard my mother’s crying and sighing; sometimes I saw her full of hope, busy and never stopping for a moment.
My father saw through my nature at a glance and left decisively; but my mother was obsessed and refused to give up.
Many women are so weak. Although they can support themselves, they still long for someone to rely on in their hearts.
She only had one son left. She saw a false future in me and thus entrusted all her hopes to me. She hoped that I could be like most ordinary people, study, work, get married, have children, and hoped that she could rely on me in the future.
She didn’t do anything wrong. She was just a normal mother.
But I wasn’t a normal child.
I couldn’t respond to my mother’s expectations. I felt Suppression and suffering being around her.
Studying, working, getting married, and having children – these were not what I wanted. The only thing I desired was to commit crimes. That was the path I was bound to take.
You may be wondering why I was so certain about my future criminal path.
Because this was the result after I tried to save myself.
The time in the clinic wasn’t completely wasted. I read through Doctor Yang’s collection of psychology books and finally found the way to salvation among them.
Childhood traumatic experiences can have a butterfly effect, having an important impact on a person’s life. This is the terrifying thing about childhood shadows.
The sudden change from a good child to a bad child in me was actually traceable.
I had deliberately avoided that experience before, which made me suffer for many years.
After self – studying psychology, I gradually understood that if the knot in my heart caused by childhood shadows wasn’t untied, I would keep suffering and could never be free.
In the second grade of primary school, I locked my classmate in the abandoned storage room and watched everyone anxiously looking for him. But I had no feud with that classmate. It was his father who hurt me.
His father was Zhou Hongxing.
Zhou Hongxing sexually assaulted me – a seven – or eight – year – old boy.
At that time, I was young and didn’t understand many things. But it was real to see a kind – looking adult suddenly turn hideous, and the fear and pain I felt were also real.
Afterwards, I was very scared and told my father about it, hoping he could get justice for me. But my father hesitated and finally just told me not to go to my classmate’s house anymore.
My father didn’t even dare to confront him, let alone me. And since I couldn’t relieve my pain, I could only take revenge on Zhou Hongxing’s son.
Ordinary revenge didn’t hurt him. Just because I locked his son in the storage room, he sexually assaulted me again and warned me not to touch his son again.
All along, Zhou Hongxing had been a gentle and kind – hearted person. He was nice to everyone and always had a smiling face.
The first time he saw me, he said with a smile, “This child is really cute.” He bought me a lot of delicious food.
But in the end, he showed me his most terrifying face.
No one would believe a child’s accusation against a good person, not even my father.
Later, I didn’t mention this matter to anyone anymore, but I gradually became sensitive, gloomy, and vengeful.
Often, for just some trivial matters, I would immediately launch a fierce revenge. Every time I took revenge, it was like making up for the regret of not being able to take revenge the first time.
But it was all like scratching an itch through boots, and I could never relieve the hatred in my heart.
I gradually realized that Zhou Hongxing was the knot in my heart. No one could save me except myself.
I had to kill him.
Since ten years ago, I had been planning to kill Zhou Hongxing. Once I was too young to resist his abuse. Now I had grown up, and he was old. I could kill him as easily as crushing a fly.
You said I cast a shadow over Zhou Hongxing’s happy family. Why don’t you say he ruined my life?
Only by killing him could I be free.
This is the real reason why I killed Zhou Hongxing.
8
Chen Yuan’s narration was too calm. He talked about hatred, but his tone was very flat.
“Wait a minute,” I interrupted, “You said before that you bumped into Zhou Hongxing on the road, had an argument, and then you harbored hatred, followed him, and killed him. But now you say that you didn’t meet by chance, and you had planned to kill him long ago?”
“When I killed and disposed of the body, there were witnesses. But was there a witness to the argument between me and Zhou Hongxing? No.” Chen Yuan smiled, “So I could just say there was an argument. Zhou Hongxing didn’t have a chance to refute.”
“So the real motive for you to kill Zhou Hongxing was actually to avenge the sexual assault in your childhood.” I understood, “In this case, it seems reasonable that you killed Ma Ming. It wasn’t because of an argument either. But because Ma Ming molested children, which evoked your painful childhood memories, so you killed him.”
Chen Yuan said, “Yes.”
Then I thought that Chen Yuan had only contacted a same – sex friend since he was imprisoned, making us suspect that he had a homosexual tendency. This also became reasonable.
Because there are indeed many post – natal homosexuals who have experienced being molested by the same sex in their childhood, thus forcibly changing their sexual orientation.
But, stepping out of this story and thinking carefully –
In this situation, with the Xishan Execution Ground, the same – sex friend, the similar motives for killing, the two victims, and a death – row inmate. Everything was connected in a way that seemed too reasonable.
It was as reasonable as a novel fabricated based on real situations, conforming to all logic, and he was the martyr – like protagonist in it.
“The story you told is indeed heartbreaking. But stop making up stories.” I was a little impatient, “I ask you, there were no witnesses to the argument between you and Zhou Hongxing. Then do you have evidence for the sexual assault by Zhou Hongxing in your childhood? Zhou Hongxing’s son hates you to the bone. You said he was your primary school classmate, but in fact, he doesn’t know you at all. Of course, you can explain that your appearance has changed a lot when you grew up, but shouldn’t he at least have an impression of your name?”
Chen Yuan didn’t care, “I can hardly remember the names of my primary school classmates…”
I interrupted him, “I understand your kind of psychology. Some inmates are like you. They don’t focus on reforming but just think about making up stories, fabricating facts to smear the victims, adding fuel and vinegar to their own lives, and justifying their crimes, as if the whole world has betrayed them.
“That’s why the right to political rights is deprived for life, to prevent you from talking nonsense like this. Since you’re so innocent and wronged, why didn’t you take proper measures before? Why are you ‘appealing for justice’ only now?”
Chen Yuan didn’t say anything. After thinking for a while, he still insisted, “What I said is the truth. I can’t do anything if you don’t believe me.”
“Assume what you said is true. Then why did you explain the motives for the two killings as ‘having an argument’ before? Why are you only telling the so – called truth now?” I questioned, “Why didn’t you say it in court but on the execution ground?”
“I can’t answer that for now.” Chen Yuan said, “The story isn’t over yet.”
“Then go on.”
But I suddenly felt that I seemed to have missed some important details.
9
Chen Yuan’s account (4) –
Killing Zhou Hongxing and Ma Ming was something that happened later. Let’s go back to ten years ago.
When I was a child, I developed an anti – social personality due to being sexually assaulted by Zhou Hongxing. My parents were extremely worried about me. My father finally gave up, but my mother was still persevering.
My mother took me to live near the Xishan Execution Ground, let me watch the executions every day, and also sent me to Doctor Yang for treatment. But neither of these methods achieved the goal of correcting me.
Instead, after reading a lot of Doctor Yang’s psychology books, I found the way to salvation.
Before, when I did those bad things, I seemed happy on the surface, but in fact, I was very confused inside. Later, I understood that only by killing Zhou Hongxing could I truly be free.
I was no longer confused. I didn’t tell anyone and still quietly studied and lived.
My academic performance was among the best. The teacher said I was a material to be admitted to a key high school and had high hopes for me. My classmates and neighbors all thought I was a smart and well – behaved good child and never noticed anything unusual.
I often had unique insights after reading psychology books. Doctor Yang found a bosom friend in me, was enthusiastic about answering my questions, and even took me out to give psychology lectures, showing great intention to pass on his mantle to me.
My ordinary life was like a calm lake, suppressing all the undercurrents.
When I was 16 years old, I was admitted to a key high school. The day I received the admission notice was my birthday.
That night, my mother was very happy. She bought a cake, cooked a big table of dishes, and drank a lot of wine.
And at the dinner table that day, I clearly told my mother that I didn’t want to go to high school anymore. I had my own things to do and had to leave.
But my mother was drunk and seemed not to have heard me.
That night, I ran away from home.
Within three days, my mother called the police and found me, then brought me back.
She cried and accused me –
“How could you treat mom like this? Why can’t you think for mom…”
“Mom has really had a hard time giving birth to you and raising you…”
She was just a normal mother, making normal demands.
But I wasn’t a normal child. There was a structural mismatch between my mother and me.
My mother thought she loved me, but she only became a burden to me. She held onto me tightly and wouldn’t let go, and I almost suffocated.
I really couldn’t bear the unbearable weight of life. The string in my mind was getting tighter and tighter, about to break at any moment.
Even in such a state, I still went to high school.
I’m not sure if my mother heard what I said that night. Anyway, I continued to study, and my mother continued to work. Everything seemed normal.
Every morning before going to school, I would look at the Xishan Execution Ground. The scenes of those death – row inmates being shot were as boring as repeated advertisements.
One day, my mother opened the window and lowered her head to water the orchid.
I suddenly said, “Mom, look up. Someone is going to be shot, and their head is going to burst.”
Before, we had a tacit understanding. This time, I pointed it out directly. My mother was extremely ashamed and at a loss, but she still didn’t dare to look up.
When the gunshot rang out, I fell heavily onto the bed like a prank.
My mother slammed the door and left.
During that period, the relationship between my mother and me was very tense. We ignored each other at home but still pretended to be a loving mother and filial son outside.
My mother tried hard to maintain the surface calm, and I accompanied her in the act.
Such days were really suffering. My mother’s existence made me extremely Suppression.
Once, Doctor Yang went to give a lecture at the town’s orphanage, and I went too.
At the orphanage, I met a child named A Yuan.
We were both 16 years old. The orphanage encouraged A Yuan to go out and find a job to support himself as soon as possible, while I was bound by my mother and couldn’t leave.
A Yuan was interested in psychology. We had similar interests and often discussed together. Before long, we became friends.
During my first year of high school, as soon as school was over, I would run to the orphanage and spend all day with A Yuan.
I would rather stay at the orphanage than go home.
A teacher at the orphanage joked that I regarded the orphanage as my home.
10
The orphanage.
Because I didn’t know much about Chen Yuan, I had been passively receiving information. But just now, I felt that something was wrong.
Hearing this, I finally realized what the problem was.
— It was in Chen Yuan’s own resume.
My colleague had told me that Chen Yuan was an orphan.
But in Chen Yuan’s story, his father had left early, and until now, there was still the existence of his mother.
I had a very bad premonition.
Chen Yuan had said that his father left because he was afraid of him.
Leaving aside Chen Yuan’s own statement, I really didn’t know much about him. I hadn’t even seen his file.
I went out to ask my colleague to get Chen Yuan’s file, then returned to my seat and continued.
“The orphanage is a good place.” Chen Yuan sighed, “It’s very free there, and no one interferes. The children in the orphanage envy me, but I envy them instead.”
“You said you envy orphans, right?” I confirmed slowly.
Chen Yuan had repeatedly emphasized that his mother made him feel oppressed, that his mother bound him, that his mother was a burden to him, preventing him from smoothly embarking on the path of crime.
And he said he envied orphans.
My blood rushed to my head immediately. “Chen Yuan, explain clearly. What else have you done?”
“What do you think?”
“You’re a demon, a born demon…”
It was hard to imagine that such a person really existed in the world.
— A person who didn’t even deserve to be called human.
“A demon, am I?” Chen Yuan asked rhetorically.
“I had no choice…” Chen Yuan said in a low voice, his eyes becoming extremely gloomy. “I once had a happy family. I was a good child, smart and sensible. My parents loved me, and everyone who saw me would praise me, saying that I would have a promising future, that I would be admitted to a good university, get a good job, get married, have children, and be filial to my parents.”
“But since that day in the second grade, my world completely changed. I was ruined by that person. My father refused to help me and abandoned me. What did my mother know? She just kept forcing me. I was left all alone, helpless. No one knew how desperate and painful I was.”
“My mother took me here and there. She made me watch the execution of death – row inmates and made me receive psychological treatment. For her sake, I endured the despair and pain and tried to live a normal life. I was admitted to junior high school and then to high school, just to satisfy her. But who cared about what I wanted? My mother molded me into the person she wanted me to be. Did she ever care about what I wanted?”
“I was just a walking corpse. The only meaning of my life was to kill that beast. I just wanted to save myself, to set myself free. What was wrong with that? But she just wouldn’t let go. She held onto me tightly and refused to let go. I really had no choice…”
“Even so, that’s no reason for you to kill your mother!” I was furious. “You have reasons for hurting others, but you have no reason to hurt your mother. She didn’t do anything wrong. She gave birth to you, raised you, and couldn’t let go of you just because she loved you!”
“She could have abandoned you like your father, to protect herself and start a new life, but she didn’t. She moved several times with you, took on several part – time jobs to pay for your treatment, and painstakingly kept your secret. Because she didn’t want you to do wrong things and embark on a path of no return.”
“She knew you had an anti – social personality, but she never backed down. She was afraid of the execution scene, but she was never afraid when she was with you. She loved you so much and trusted you so much. And this is how you repaid her? Are you still human? You killed the person who loved you the most in the world. You’re a fucking demon, a downright demon. You deserve to die. Being shot once is too lenient for you!”
Chen Yuan said, “Doctor Lu, is this how you do psychological counseling? With this kind of attitude, won’t my psychological pressure before execution be even greater?”
“I can only say that you’ve achieved your goal. The execution probably won’t happen today. You can live a few more days. — So this was your purpose. You could have just said it directly. There was no need to make up such a long story. No matter how much background you introduce, you can’t whitewash your sins!”
If there was a new case, naturally, a new trial would be needed. With multiple crimes combined, the execution would need to be postponed.
“I can live a few more days, can I?” Chen Yuan feigned surprise. “Then what if I confess another case in a few days? Can I live a few more days?”
Judging from his words, it seemed that he even regretted killing too few people. Using the lives of victims to extend his sinful life, and one of them was his own mother. He was simply heartless.
“I was originally wondering why you were so calm before execution. Now I understand. You’re really—” I gritted my teeth, wanting to curse, but I was already at a loss for words.
I got up angrily, ready to report this matter.
At this time, my colleague brought Chen Yuan’s file. I threw it on the table, not intending to look at it.
“Doctor Lu, I haven’t confessed to anything.” Chen Yuan stopped me. “Also, are you sure you don’t want to look at my file?”
I glanced at him, hesitated for a moment, and then opened the file.
The first item in the resume caught my eye immediately —
1990 – 1998, at the Sunshine Children’s Welfare Home in Xishan County.
I confirmed it several times. That’s what was written in the file.
What was going on? This couldn’t be right.
He clearly moved to Xishan County with his mother in 1995. How could he have been in the orphanage since 1990?
“I understand…” I murmured. “You’re indeed making up a story. Everything you’ve said today is fabricated. I had doubts at first, but in the end, I actually believed it…”
“No, I’m not making up a story.” Chen Yuan put away his smile and said seriously. “I’ll emphasize it again. Everything I said is the truth. You think I’m making up a story because I haven’t elaborated on many details. If the details aren’t clear, it will naturally seem unreasonable.”
“Also, Doctor Lu, don’t make wild speculations and then accuse me condescendingly. You have no right to accuse me.” Chen Yuan said. “There are still fifteen minutes. Let me continue.”
11
Chen Yuan’s account (5) –
Remember what I said at the beginning?
I said that I had also studied psychology, and real psychology wasn’t as useless as this.
In the third year of junior high school, I studied psychology in Doctor Yang’s clinic and applied it to myself. I constantly examined my inner self and finally found that Zhou Hongxing was the knot in my heart.
As long as I got rid of Zhou Hongxing, I could relieve the pain that had persisted since childhood.
But people will experience new pain at every stage. Many things can only be understood suddenly years later, after passing that period.
I could understand things in the past, but I couldn’t understand things in the present because I was still deeply involved.
When I first entered high school, due to a failed attempt to run away from home, my relationship with my mother reached a deadlock.
During that period, whenever I was free, I would either go to the clinic to study with Doctor Yang or go to the orphanage to be with A Yuan. In short, I didn’t want to go home.
I tried my best to avoid my mother and didn’t want to see her.
As the saying goes, the on – looker sees most of the game. I always thought I hated my mother, but A Yuan saw through my hidden feelings at a glance.
A Yuan asked me why I only told my father about the sexual assault in my childhood and didn’t tell my mother.
I didn’t answer.
A Yuan then asked me why, although I was well – prepared before running away from home at the age of 16 and managed to reach another city more than 200 kilometers away from Xishan County in three days, it was so easy for the police to find me and bring me back.
I still didn’t answer.
The answers to these two questions were actually the same. I just didn’t want to admit it.
— Because my mother would be sad.
From this, I finally understood the current predicament.
Why did I still feel pain after sorting out my childhood trauma? I could have left to take revenge at the age of 16 and didn’t need to continue going to high school. Why did I insist on staying by my mother’s side and suffering?
Because Zhou Hongxing was the knot in my heart, and so was my mother.
I once had a happy family and was a good child.
But since that day in the second grade, I stopped growing and started to decay. My father gave up on me, but my mother refused to let go.
I took a different path from my mother. I was almost rotten, but she, like a saint, kept pulling me back to her path. She dedicated half of her life to me, just to bring me back on track.
For her sake, I tried hard to live a normal life. I studied hard and was admitted to a key junior high school and then to a key high school.
But I really couldn’t hold on anymore. I couldn’t live a normal life.
On the night of my 16 – year – old birthday, I finally mustered up the courage to say goodbye to my mother.
I told her that I had no choice and hoped she could understand me and let me go. I was 16 years old and could take full criminal responsibility on my own. I would take responsibility for my actions and not implicate her.
But she cried and said, “How could you treat mom like this? Why can’t you think for mom? Mom has really had a hard time giving birth to you and raising you…”
The farther I walked away from home, the more I realized that the so – called implication was far more complex than what was defined by the law.
The bond between me and my mother couldn’t be easily severed. It was impossible at the age of 16, and even at the age of 18, it was still difficult.
The day I was brought back by the police, my mother held me and cried all night.
I didn’t shed a single tear. But I told her that I gave up, that I would be a good person and stay by her side forever.
My mother believed me. After hearing my vow, she felt at ease and never mentioned this matter again.
I continued to go to high school, and she continued to work. She believed that I wouldn’t leave again and trusted me unconditionally.
The power of trust is truly remarkable.
As I said before, an important prerequisite for successful hypnosis is trust.
Why couldn’t I accept hypnotherapy? It was because I couldn’t trust Doctor Yang. Even though Doctor Yang taught me psychology wholeheartedly and intended to pass on his mantle to me, I still couldn’t trust him.
But Doctor Yang’s hypnotherapy wasn’t completely useless.
What did my mother’s unconditional trust in me mean?
It meant that I could be her psychologist.
I could give her psychological imply in our daily life and gradually change her subconscious.
A Yuan in the orphanage was the same age as me and had a similar height.
I envied A Yuan for being an orphan, and A Yuan envied me for having a mother. Our desires were so compatible that it tempted me to carry out a bold experiment.
A Yuan was naturally a bit overweight, and I was naturally thin. A Yuan started to lose weight, and I tried to eat more. I often casually told my mother, “Mom, I seem to be getting fatter.”
A Yuan had a scar on his neck, and I had scars on my arms and legs. A Yuan would injure his arms and legs, and I would injure my neck. I told my mother that it was scratched by a branch when I was walking and fell.
A Yuan went to a small clinic to get double – eyelid surgery, and I cut my hair into a crew – cut and shaved my hairline higher.
I taught A Yuan high – school knowledge, and A Yuan learned my tone of voice and living habits.
I talked about the distant past, how the three of us in my family went to the park when I was a child, and who my childhood friends were. I told A Yuan all the beautiful memories, without telling him how many bad things I had done, nor how my mother took me around and cried and sighed for me, because my mother wouldn’t mention those painful memories either.
A Yuan replaced the photo in the orphanage file. I also deliberately burned most of the photo albums, leaving only a few childhood photos that looked similar to A Yuan from certain angles and often showed them to my mother.
But I still didn’t feel safe enough.
The drug Doctor Yang prescribed for me was chlorpromazine. It had great side – effects, easily making people dull, sleepy, and causing cognitive impairment.
I never took it, but I crushed the tablets and added them to my mother’s drinking water in low doses every day to confuse her perception.
— This was indeed a crazy act, but I had no choice. Both my mother and I were at the end of our ropes.
Anyway, I kept giving my mother psychological imply in our daily life, making her gradually blur the impression of me in her subconscious and get used to my changes.
A Yuan and I imitated each other more and more, becoming more and more alike. We alternately appeared in front of my mother until she had no doubts.
I spent the entire high – school years conducting a three – year – long hypnosis on my mother, teaching her to regard A Yuan as me.
The college entrance examination was still taken by me. I performed very well. The day after the results were announced was my 19 – year – old birthday.
That night, my mother bought a cake, cooked a big table of dishes, and drank a lot of wine. Just like three years ago.
I made a wish and blew out the candles.
My mother asked me what wish I made. I said it was a blessing for her.
She was very happy and said that her son was promising and that she would follow me to live a good life in the future. “Right, son?”
I said, “Yes, mom.”
My mother smiled contentedly and fell asleep lying prone on the table.
I carefully examined her face, looking at it for a long time, then got up and left.
On the night of my 19 – year – old birthday, I grew up, became an adult, left home, and walked into the vast night, never looking back.
Unlike three years ago, this time I didn’t take anything with me. In the end, it was A Yuan who helped me get the admission notice.
I gave A Yuan my name, He Wenxi, and A Yuan gave me his name, Chen Yuan.
The university I applied to was in another province, so I wouldn’t have any intersection with my classmates anymore. He was also an adult and could leave the orphanage and never go back.
To minimize the impact on him, I damaged my appearance with burns and knife wounds. From then on, He Wenxi could only be him.
In the following years, we maintained a weak connection. I knew that he was living a good life with my mother. He went to the medical university I applied to, became a doctor, and settled in a livable city. The next step was to get married, have children, and enjoy family happiness. The future development would be as my mother had hoped.
I could also go to my fate without any worries.
This feeling is very strange, isn’t it? It’s as if two parallel time – spaces were merged together.
What I reversed wasn’t the case, but a son’s life. Letting that mother have a son worthy of her lifelong trust is my deepest blessing to her.
12
“Going back to the previous question, why I didn’t confess the real motive in court.” Chen Yuan explained, “Because it was He Wenxi who was sexually assaulted. I, Chen Yuan, had no enmity with Zhou Hongxing. Naturally, I could only come up with a random reason to fool them, otherwise it would conflict with my resume.”
“Anyway, I was going to be sentenced to death, and the motive didn’t seem important. I was ready to face death a year ago. Who knew that He Wenxi hired an experienced lawyer at a high price to defend me and strive for a two – year reprieve.”
“The two – year reprieve was also good. I could communicate with him by letter and learn about my mother’s situation. As long as my mother didn’t find out. The only thing I was reluctant to part with in this world was this. If it hadn’t been discovered by his wife some time ago, I wouldn’t have resorted to this desperate measure. It was just Ma Ming’s bad luck.”
The story was over, but I still hadn’t come to my senses.
Chen Yuan looked at the time.
“It’s almost time. I should go.” He stood up calmly.
“Is this true?” I asked hurriedly, “Is everything you just said true?”
“Bring Chen Yuan out!” A colleague outside shouted loudly, “It’s time. Get ready for identification!”
Chen Yuan said, “Whether it’s true or false doesn’t matter anymore. Why did I say it before execution? Because it doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t matter if I say something casually before I die.”
Two judicial police officers took Chen Yuan away.
I sat there in a daze for a moment, then chased after them.
At the end of the dim corridor, the sky was still dim. The clanging sound of the heavy shackles became more and more distant.
“Wait a minute —” I shouted and was about to chase.
Someone patted me on the shoulder from behind.
“Xiao Lu, what are you doing?”
I was startled and turned around to see my senior. He was the one who would be in charge of the identification later.
I quickly grabbed my senior and incoherently repeated Chen Yuan’s story, speaking so urgently that my words didn’t make sense.
My senior was silent for a moment, and then two sentences made me shut up: “Did he commit the crime? Did he kill those two people?”
“Yes.” My senior answered himself, “I don’t know what his name was before. Now he’s called Chen Yuan, and that’s what’s on the file. Whether he took the initiative to exchange names with someone or was impersonated in the college entrance examination, whatever the reason, he did commit the crime. So, will there be a problem with the identification? No. Will it have any impact on the result? No. He’s making up a story. Don’t think too much about it, Xiao Lu. You’re still too young. Let’s go.”
After listening to my senior’s words, I gradually calmed down, shook my head, and slowly followed.
The identification, hand – over for execution, everything was carried out according to the procedure.
Early in the morning, the sun hadn’t risen yet, and the entire execution ground was shrouded in the blue morning light. The mountain wind carried the mist, damp and cold.
I shivered, only then realizing that I had followed to the execution ground. This was my first time here.
And the scene in front of me was so similar to what Chen Yuan had described.
Whether Chen Yuan’s story was true or false, it wouldn’t affect his ending.
— But was his story really true or false?
Chen Yuan walked onto that open grassland, stood still for a moment, and then knelt down.
From the moment the judgment was announced until now, he had been very calm, without any attachments, desires, or requests.
The moment the gun was loaded, he gave a start, suddenly raised his head, and looked into the distance.
At that moment, I also remembered something and looked in the direction he was looking.
At a glance, I saw the dormitory building on the west side of the No. 2 Machinery Factory in Xishan. Because it had been abandoned for too long, the walls were covered with cracks, and the windows were broken.
Among the trees, there was a flower rack abruptly installed outside a certain window.
There was a red clay flower pot on it, overgrown with weeds.
In a trance, I saw a woman leaning out, watering with her head down.
My heart skipped a beat. I quickly withdrew my gaze and looked at Chen Yuan in a panic.
“Time’s up!”
Time was up, and the muzzle of the gun was aimed at the back of his head —
His pupils suddenly dilated. His dying gaze stared fixedly at the window sill in the distance. His lips were trembling, breathing out, only exhaling, not inhaling —
The judicial police reminded: “Open your mouth wide!”
He knelt on the ground, tilted his head back, and opened his mouth wide with all his might, wailing: “Mom! — Mom! —”
The gunshots rang out, and few birds were startled. The mountains returned to tranquility.
I think the answer was self – evident.
The end.
