I did a bad thing when I was in junior high school.
At that time, I didn’t feel much about it. Instead, I was even glad that no one found out.
But when I learned the complete truth, I was so desperate that I wanted to die.
A despicable and shameless person like me is surely going to hell.
1
In junior high school, I was a good student in the class. Although my grades were not outstanding, I was steady – tempered and sensible. Compared with my naive male classmates of the same age, I was relatively precocious.
Because I was good at getting along with people, I had a good relationship with my classmates. They thought I was reliable, and the teachers thought I was well – educated.
Only I knew that all these were the results of my painstaking efforts.
In fact, I wasn’t as calm as I seemed on the surface. I was an introverted and self – abased person with a gloomy personality. I had learned to smoke and skip classes since primary school.
When I entered junior high school, I decided to make a fresh start and tried hard to pretend to be a good student.
But everything was destined to fall apart eventually.
It all started in the second year of junior high school.
In the second year of junior high school, a girl named Chen Zhen transferred to our class and sat in front of me.
She was cold – tempered, never smiled, and rarely talked, giving people an unfriendly feeling.
She sat in front of me and never looked back. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she turned around and had no facial features on her pale face — I often had such nightmares years later.
Actually, I can’t remember Chen Zhen’s appearance clearly anymore. It should be an ordinary face that’s hard to remember.
But I remember some insignificant details.
Her hair was very black, neatly tied behind her head, and her neck was thin and white.
She always kept her head down, so the two protruding vertebrae on the back of her neck could be seen, looking sharp and fragile.
Her collar was always neatly ironed and never stained with sweat. Her shirt was always neat and tidy, with no wrinkles except at the shoulder blades.
I couldn’t control my eyes from looking at her.
During the morning reading, the sunlight shone in obliquely. The fine down on her neck glistened, and the refreshing smell of soap wafted from her clothes.
I peeked out from behind my book and stared blankly at her back.
Why did I always look at her? I couldn’t say for sure.
One day, I finally couldn’t help it. I threw a pen at Chen Zhen’s feet, patted her on the shoulder, and asked her to pick it up for me. She picked it up slowly, lowered her head, and gave it back to me without making eye contact.
I often took the opportunity of distributing homework or collecting test papers to walk around to the front of her to see what she was doing — usually, she was fiddling with her pencil – box, seemingly obsessed with the order of the stationery inside.
Later, I became more and more curious about her. I would pat her on the shoulder from time to time and talk to her without any real topic —
“What did you have for dinner last night?”
“Do you know how to do this question? I can teach you.”
“Do you not talk to your mom at home either?”
And Chen Zhen would always turn around expressionlessly, lower her head, and not say a word, looking cold. I didn’t know if she heard me or not.
She was like this not only to me but also to everyone. She often lowered her head in class, not looking like she was listening, so her grades were at the bottom of the class.
At first, the classmates were very friendly to Chen Zhen, but no one could stand her coldness. As time went by, they wouldn’t bother anymore. Only I kept trying to get close to her.
We all knew that Chen Zhen had a problem.
She suffered from autism, a neurological developmental disorder that couldn’t be cured. It could only be intervened at an early age to keep the situation from getting too bad.
Now that she could maintain emotional stability, had some self – care ability, and could sit in the classroom of an ordinary junior high school was already the result of the hard work of her family.
Of course, there was another reason. The school also gave her extra care because her mother was a geography teacher in our school.
My attention to Chen Zhen was obvious. Some classmates spread rumors that I was trying to please the teacher’s daughter for better grades. But then they thought that geography was just a minor subject, and it didn’t make sense for me to go to such lengths for a minor subject.
So more rumors said that I liked Chen Zhen.
The classmates didn’t say anything openly, but they secretly said that I had a strange taste. I had no way to refute.
Chen Zhen’s mother, Teacher Lu Xiaoyun, was very grateful that I was willing to contact her daughter. She called me to the office, treated me to snacks, and hoped that I could continue to help Chen Zhen.
Teacher Lu was gentle and beautiful. When she smiled, her eyes and eyebrows curved, giving people a warm feeling like a spring breeze. Her temperament was completely different from that of her cold – as – ice daughter.
Chen Zhen’s father had long been a deserter. He left not long after Chen Zhen was diagnosed. For more than ten years, Teacher Lu had raised her daughter alone, emptied her family’s savings to sign her up for intervention courses, patiently taught her how to live, communicate, and correct her abnormal behaviors, and never gave up.
The gentle spring breeze intended to shake the iceberg, but it was a long and arduous task. Up to now, Chen Zhen was still emotionally indifferent, had a low learning ability, refused to talk, and hadn’t called “mom” for the last time until two years ago.
Teacher Lu loved nature, so she chose geography as her major. And she loved the world, so she chose the profession of teaching.
She loved everything in this world, while her daughter loved nothing.
It was hard to imagine how such a mother – daughter pair could depend on each other, and it was also hard to imagine how Teacher Lu could persevere through this hopeless journey year after year.
In fact, Teacher Lu didn’t need to specifically talk to me. I would naturally couldn’t help getting close to Chen Zhen and talking to her.
Chen Zhen seemed to have a natural attraction to me.
I knew it wasn’t love, but if I didn’t love her, why did I still get close to her?
I was also very confused about this.
Chen Zhen had a plain and cold face that could make people feel physically uncomfortable. No one would like her except her mother, I thought.
She even made me feel scared.
Countless times in the middle of the night, when I recalled my junior high school days, I would break out in cold sweat and wake up suddenly from nightmares.
2
After all, I was still young at that time. Some problems hadn’t been thought through, but I had already done things by instinct.
But figuring out the problems might not necessarily be a good thing.
Let’s talk about myself.
My name is He Jia. I had just entered the second year of junior high school when I met Chen Zhen.
Going back many years ago, my parents divorced when I was in the second grade of primary school.
The reason I was willing to admit was that my father had a better financial situation, so I followed him.
The fundamental reason was that my mother didn’t want me.
My mother looked gentle and weak, but she had a strong character and couldn’t tolerate any flaws. Because of my father’s infidelity and my covering up of it, my mother left us without hesitation.
I told my mother that I covered up for my father just because I was afraid of their divorce, not because I was deliberately dishonest. I said I had a good character, good grades, good looks, and was hard – working. I would be filial to her in the future…
I listed all kinds of my advantages, trying to prove my value and make my mother fight for my custody, but she didn’t want to.
Because I missed my mother, I often cried at home, holding on to the clothes she left behind.
My father said I had no manliness. He snatched the clothes from me, threw them away, and locked me in the room to reflect. I watched from the window as my mother’s clothes were taken away by the sanitation truck.
When my father cooked, and I said it tasted bad, he would pour the food away, not spoiling me. Then he threw me a hundred yuan. I would naturally go downstairs to buy food when I was hungry.
My father was a businessman and didn’t have much time to take care of me. Most of the time, I was very free.
I went to squat and follow my mother downstairs at her workplace. I found out where she lived now and knocked on her door.
My mother was very surprised. She pulled me in and looked me up and down. She said my face was dirty with sweat, my hair hadn’t been cut for a long time, my clothes stank, and the collar was yellow.
She asked me to take a bath, cooked me a bowl of noodles, took me to get a haircut after I ate, and then we strolled in the park.
I wrote this day into the composition “An Unforgettable Day”, but the teacher didn’t know what was so unforgettable about it.
Later, I went to see my mother every week. Sometimes I even deliberately made myself dirty so that my mother would scold me a few more words.
But after doing this several times, my mother was also tired. She said I was grown – up and should learn to take care of myself.
When I was in the fourth grade, my mother had become very cold to me. She used to take me with her all day long. Later, when I entered the door, I was like a guest. After sitting for a few minutes, she would find an excuse to go out and ask me to go back.
Even several times, she wasn’t at home at all. I had to go back when I couldn’t knock on the door.
Later, my mother remarried. She no longer lived in that place, changed her job, and also changed her phone number.
I didn’t see her again throughout the fifth grade.
I was very depressed that year. I didn’t comb my hair or wash my face every day. I went to school in clothes that I hadn’t changed for a month, looking slovenly.
I didn’t study hard at school either. I was extremely sensitive. I would curse and fight at the slightest thing. My classmates hated to associate with me.
The teacher told my father about the problems. Before talking about other things, the teacher first said, “Clean up the child. He looks like a street urchin.” My father nodded in agreement, came back to educate me, and then forgot about it the next day.
He was very busy and couldn’t take care of me too much. At most, he would give me a few hundred yuan to send my clothes to the laundry and buy some snacks to ease the relationship with my classmates. Many problems still had to be faced by myself.
In fact, in the final analysis, there was no real problem. I was just confused, not knowing the direction of my future and unable to find any hope.
Once, I heard a classmate’s mother say that I was “uneducated and obviously a child without a mother”, and I was suddenly very scared and didn’t want to go to school.
So I started skipping classes, wandering around the streets, playing games in Internet cafes, and learned to smoke.
Sometimes I would also go to the park where my mother had taken me, sitting there doing nothing for most of the day.
Days passed like this.
Until one day during the Spring Festival, I saw my mother from afar, holding a little girl’s hand and coming to the park.
I rubbed my eyes. I wasn’t wrong. It was really my mother.
I quickly jumped up, patted the grass off my buttocks, and was about to run over when I couldn’t help but notice the little girl beside her.
That wasn’t my mother’s biological child. It was the step – child brought by her new husband, but she treated the child as her own, dressing her up delicately and cutely.
The child was wrapped in a fluffy pink down jacket, like a ball. She held a candied – hawthorn in her hand, jumped as she walked, and her face was full of the look of being loved.
I was so angry that my head was full of blood. I rushed up to them, kicked the girl to the ground, and snatched her candied – hawthorn.
The girl burst into tears. My mother quickly picked her up, coaxed her while checking her up and down. Then she turned around and slapped me.
My face instantly felt burning hot. The chilblain was broken, and it was itchy and painful.
I always remembered my mother saying that the skin on the face was tender, so don’t scratch it too much to prevent scars.
So after getting chilblains, my cheeks were so itchy that I didn’t dare to touch them every day.
At this moment, being slapped in the face, the pain went straight to my heart, but there was another kind of pleasure.
It seemed that everything had a definite answer.
My mother looked down at me, said something coldly.
I couldn’t hear clearly. My ears were buzzing. I just watched her turn around and leave with the child, not looking back once.
I finished eating the candied – hawthorn, wandered around for a while, and then left.
After that, I didn’t dare to go to that park again.
When I got home, I got a bad cold and had a fever that made me delirious. In a half – dream and half – awake state, I heard my mother’s footsteps beside my ear.
I cried and called for my mother, reached out to hold her, and said a lot of nonsense with snot and tears, but the mother in my nightmare didn’t stop for me.
Finally, I struggled to get up and called my father who was in a meeting in another city. My father rushed back overnight, and I was saved.
During the summer vacation before entering junior high school, I started to learn to take care of myself.
I cooked, washed clothes, ironed clothes, scrubbed the collar, and got my hair cut regularly.
Before the start of school, I washed my schoolbag clean, changed to new stationery, and learned to cover books with book covers.
I no longer fought, cursed, smoked, or skipped classes. I knew how to behave to be considered well – educated.
I would bring a balanced breakfast to school and take out a box of cut fruits from my bag to share with my classmates during breaks.
Not being found out that I didn’t have a mother was more important to me than studying.
It was not easy for me to maintain this state. Besides doing homework when I got home, I had to do many things to make myself seem like I was doted on by my parents.
And many people could get all these things effortlessly.
They were used to what they were born with, as natural as breathing air. They naturally talked about what their mothers said, the snacks their mothers prepared, and the new clothes their mothers bought, never thinking that it was a gift from heaven.
What the classmates said casually made me sad for a long time.
But I wouldn’t be weak forever. I gradually let go of my feelings towards other classmates.
I only cared about the girl in front of me.
The girl in front of me had a disease that couldn’t be cured in her lifetime. She had a strange personality, poor grades, and lacked self – care ability. She was just terrible.
But her hair was combed so neatly, her neck was washed clean, her collar was never yellow, her clothes were not wrinkled, and they were fragrant…
All these details were manifestations of being loved. Her mother had raised her so well.
Why? Why did such a bad child still have her mother, while my mother didn’t want me?
I finally understood.
The reason I couldn’t help getting close to Chen Zhen was not because I liked her, but because I liked the way she was wholeheartedly loved.
What I envied was never the meticulous care. I could take care of myself. What I envied was that it didn’t matter if she was unpopular or bad. She didn’t have to be afraid because her mother loved her.
Several times during breaks, when I saw Teacher Lu come to Chen Zhen’s desk, squat down, talk to her softly, and stroke her hair, I was so jealous that my eyes were about to split.
As soon as Teacher Lu left, I would quickly pat Chen Zhen on the shoulder.
I kept trying to get close to her, trying to find out about their mother – daughter life. And she always looked complacent, expressionless, and silent.
I couldn’t control my attention to her and talking to her, but after talking, I was annoyed.
It was like I was performing a monologue, and she was watching coldly. She was probably laughing at me in her heart.
Sometimes, some dark thoughts would come to my mind while talking. I wanted to slap her a few times to make that annoying poker – face crack and make her cry.
But I didn’t dare.
I would reflexively think of what happened in the park that year.
She had her mother’s protection. She had an innate sense of confidence, while I didn’t.
3
I didn’t want to endure this kind of torture every day.
Think carefully. There is a solution to everything.
Why does Chen Zhen have such a good life? Is this just a matter of fate?
Can’t I fight for it myself?
How nice it would be if Teacher Lu could be my mother.
At a certain moment, I had an inspiration —
Since my mother could change to another child, I could also change to another mother.
Teacher Lu was divorced, and my father was also divorced. They could completely form a new family.
Teacher Lu’s financial situation was not good, while my father was very rich. My father became an unkempt and greasy man after divorcing my mother and even got a stomach problem because he didn’t eat well. Teacher Lu should be able to take care of him.
Teacher Lu had so much love, but all of it was poured into Chen Zhen without getting a positive response. Chen Zhen was cold – hearted, ignorant of the world, and innocently cruel. She wouldn’t even call “mom”, which was a waste.
What Chen Zhen wasted was what I had been longing for. If Teacher Lu became my mother, I could get a share of her love.
Maybe at first, Teacher Lu wouldn’t treat me sincerely, but I would always be good to her, be filial to her, and repay her. My sincerity would surely win her love sooner or later.
If Chen Zhen and I became siblings, I would find her more pleasing to the eye. I would fulfill my duties as an elder brother and take good care of my sister.
This was a perfect plan. I had to find a way to make them get married.
Although I had a dark side in my mind, at the beginning, my thoughts were still quite normal.
And things hadn’t gotten out of control yet.
4
To make Teacher Lu and my father get married, first, I needed to plant the seeds in their hearts, making two people who didn’t know each other originally interested in each other.
This required a bridge, which was me. I had to play the role of a go – between.
It was easier to deal with my father. The key was Teacher Lu.
To make Teacher Lu interested in my father, I first had to win the teacher’s favor and trust.
So, based on what I had done before, I took even more meticulous care of Chen Zhen.
I observed the way the mother – daughter pair got along at school. Whenever there was a need for help, I would offer a hand and do all kinds of odd jobs as long as they were related to Chen Zhen.
However, because of the gender difference, I was limited in dealing with things in daily life. More often, I would chat with Chen Zhen, help her get food, and explain problems to her. Whether she could understand was another matter. The main thing was to show it to Teacher Lu.
Teacher Lu was suspicious of my excessive attentiveness, which I had expected.
I said that Chen Zhen bore a strong resemblance to one of my cousins. I’ve taken good care of that cousin since I was a child. Unfortunately, after my parents divorced, I had less contact with my mother’s relatives. Now, seeing Chen Zhen is like seeing my cousin, and it makes me feel really affectionate.This answer not only revealed the information that my father was divorced but also gave a psychological hint of a sibling relationship.
I also mentioned that I really liked geography as a subject and also liked Teacher Lu’s teaching method. Seeing how hard Teacher Lu worked, I also wanted to do something within my power to help. Besides, since I sat right behind Chen Zhen, it was only natural for me to give a hand.
I was a good student, and Teacher Lu already had a good impression of me. So, she quickly dispelled her doubts.
Correspondingly, Teacher Lu also began to take care of me. When she came to see Chen Zhen during breaks, she would chat with me for a few words. When she prepared food for Chen Zhen, she would also bring me a share. During self – study classes, she would ask us to go to her office to do homework together and even took me to her home for meals several times.
I felt the feeling of being cared for again after a long time. I was very happy. Going to school felt like going home.
Teacher Lu was gentle and kind – looking. Although I called her teacher, in my heart, I had already regarded her as my mother.
To make Teacher Lu like me more, I studied even harder, and my grades improved rapidly. I directly jumped from the top ten in the class to the first place.
I pretended to like geography and did a lot of extra work in this aspect. I often asked Teacher Lu questions. As time went by, it became real, and I even won an award in the geography competition.
Teacher Lu praised me for being smart and having a high understanding ability. Then she sighed softly and her eyes fell on Chen Zhen, who was lowering her head and playing with a pencil.
I knew she was comparing Chen Zhen and me. I liked this feeling of being compared.
Chen Zhen was very slow in both study and life. Things that other children could learn in a few minutes might take her months to learn.
You could never tell whether she was not listening, didn’t understand, or understood but didn’t want to pay attention when she lowered her head and didn’t speak.
She couldn’t be motivated or discouraged. She was like a placid pool of water. No matter what fell into it, it wouldn’t create ripples but would just sink into the dark depths, not knowing where it would end up.
Her response was not important to me because I was just putting on an act. But it was different for Teacher Lu. She really wanted Chen Zhen to be good.
Over the years, Teacher Lu had been extremely patient, repeating and teaching over and over again.
But there were often times when she broke down.
I once peeked outside the office window and witnessed Teacher Lu scolding and hitting Chen Zhen. She slapped her palm, pulled her ear, and shook her body desperately, crying and shouting —
“Look at mom. Are you listening? Say something!”
“Why? What sin did I commit? What should I do with you…”
“Why is everyone else normal, but you are like this…”
Chen Zhen didn’t dodge either. She howled dryly, and the expression on her face was distorted and strange, looking extremely abnormal.
This scene slowed down infinitely in my eyes. I watched the mother – daughter pair with pity, hoping that this moment would last longer so that I could engrave it in my mind and ponder it carefully.
Look carefully. How many complex emotions were contained in Teacher Lu’s expression, pain, despair, helplessness, and unwillingness…
She was excellent and hard – working. She was rated as an excellent teacher before she was 40. Teachers at the same level as her all had happy families, excellent children, and lived in middle – and high – end communities. But she was divorced, raising an autistic child alone, and living in an old public housing.
The school commended her, and the media reported on her. The word “strong” was always indispensable in the title. She had so many excellent qualities, but none of them was as profound as “strong”, and all of them were covered by “strong”.
Wasn’t being strong also a kind of burden?
She had to be strong. She had been persevering until now with a heavy sense of responsibility. But after half a lifetime of painstaking efforts, she couldn’t see any hope in her daughter.
It would be okay if she was just stupid, but at least she should be able to call “mom”, right?
There was nothing. She was just a wooden child without emotions or intelligence.
Such a wooden child, even if she was innocent and harmless subjectively, was essentially a vampire, sucking her mother’s blood endlessly and injecting it into her sick body with no future, dragging her mother into the abyss together.
Since the child was born, it was destined that the mother would have a tragic life. The mother didn’t give herself more choices. She was determined to go to the end of this road.
I truly sympathized with Teacher Lu.
In the office, Teacher Lu hugged Chen Zhen and cried. After scolding and hitting her, she regretted it and kept scolding herself and apologizing.
Chen Zhen howled a few times when she was hit, and then she became expressionless again. She was held by her mother numbly, not saying a word.
Suddenly, her eyes turned mechanically, and her gaze fell on me outside the window.
Then she grinned, as if she was smiling.
That gaze and smile came so suddenly that it scared me.
At that moment, I suspected that she understood everything.
After that, I was depressed for a few days and didn’t talk to Chen Zhen for a few days.
As long as I didn’t talk to her, she wouldn’t remember me. She always sat upright, facing forward, not leaning her back against my desk. Not even a single hair fell on my desk. She only gave me a back that was clearly close but seemed distant.
Later, one day, I went to ask Teacher Lu a question. Seeing that she looked tired, I showed my concern.
She couldn’t help but pour out her bitterness. Finally, she said, “Why am I telling you, a child, so much?”
I thought for a while and comforted her, “Every child is a gift. Maybe Chen Zhen has some talents in other aspects, but we just haven’t discovered them yet. She is actually very careful. Although she doesn’t respond when we talk to her, she listens. She knows all the love you have for her. She just can’t express it. She has made a lot of progress compared to before and will get better and better in the future. You have to have confidence.”
Teacher Lu sighed and said, “He Jia, you are a good boy. You can comfort people at such a young age. Your parents have taught you well.”
I took the opportunity to say, “This is all my father’s credit. My father is very busy now. He only gives me money and has no time to take care of me. But this is not dereliction of duty. He has done things in advance. He accompanied me when I was a child, taught me how to get along with people, and taught me to be self – reliant and strong. My dream is to become a man like my father.”
I’m afraid my father never dreamed that he could be praised like this.
After that, I often mentioned my father intentionally or unintentionally. I whitewashed the reason for their divorce and half – truthfully conveyed the information that he was a highly educated, excellent entrepreneur, and responsible person, all to deceive Teacher Lu. I admit that I’m a selfish person.
Teacher Lu had a good impression of my father, so this part was done.
For my father, I didn’t spend much effort. I just mentioned a few things simply, saying that my geography teacher was divorced and had a daughter. She was very hard – working. She cared about me a lot. I achieved such good grades now because she always encouraged me. I won the award in the geography competition thanks to her guidance. She was also a good cook, and so on.
My father understood and said that he would specifically thank Teacher Lu when the parents’ meeting was held. This part was also done.
I had paved the way as much as I could. As for whether they could take a fancy to each other after meeting, I couldn’t guarantee it, but I thought the possibility was high.
With my father’s character, as long as he saw Teacher Lu, he would like her. My father’s appearance was not bad either. He would clean himself up before the parents’ meeting, so he wouldn’t be too greasy. Teacher Lu should also like him.
Soon, the parents’ meeting arrived.
At the meeting, the main subject teachers spoke, and the minor subject teachers didn’t participate.
After the meeting, my father specifically went to Teacher Lu’s office to thank her and gave her a box of expensive hand cream, saying that he brought it back from a business trip.
Teacher Lu was also very polite. She praised me a few words but didn’t accept the gift.
They talked for about half an hour.
I peeked at their expressions outside the office and thought there was a chance. Finally, they exchanged contact information, saying that it would be convenient to communicate about the children’s study problems in the future.
That night, my father said that he planned to invite Teacher Lu out for dinner on the weekend to discuss my study problems.
A few days later, I heard Teacher Lu tentatively ask Chen Zhen outside the office, “Do you want to find a dad?”
I was overjoyed.
They really took a fancy to each other, and everything was developing in the direction I wanted.
But the adult world is not that simple. Marriage is a big deal, not a game.
Especially, I ignored an important point —
My father didn’t know that Chen Zhen was ill.
5
On the weekend, my father invited Teacher Lu out to meet, ostensibly to exchange ideas about the children’s study problems. Using this excuse, they could also explore each other’s family situations. In this way, even if it didn’t work out, it wouldn’t be too embarrassing.
Teacher Lu was very sincere and told my father about Chen Zhen’s illness truthfully.
My father didn’t remain silent for too long. He showed polite concern and then became more cautious in the following conversation.
Finally, when they parted, the topic still didn’t go beyond the children’s study, and they didn’t make an appointment for the next meeting.
They both understood what it meant.
When my father came back, he didn’t mention that matter at all. I was anxious for a long time and finally couldn’t help it.
During dinner, I said casually, “I learned this dish from Teacher Lu. She is a good cook. It would be great if she were my mother.”
My father said without hesitation, “Lu Xiaoyun? Impossible.”
My father said that it was very difficult for a divorced woman with a child to remarry, especially when the child was ill. If Teacher Lu were single, things would be much simpler.
Then he added that this was also the reason why my mother didn’t want me.
This sentence deeply hurt me.
I stood up angrily and said, “You still have the nerve to dislike Teacher Lu. Teacher Lu might dislike you more! You cheated and implicated me!”
I cried and rushed into my room, slamming the door shut.
But no matter how much I tried to convince myself, my father’s last words kept echoing in my ears.
My mind was full of my mother. Even now, years later, even though I’ve gotten rid of my obsession with my biological mother, I’m still struggling with the pain of not having a mother.
But to my mother, I was just a burden.
I didn’t understand why I was a burden, but Chen Zhen wasn’t.
Why was I still disliked even though everyone said I was good?
But no matter how angry and unwilling I was, this fact couldn’t be changed.
Teacher Lu was really good. She had sacrificed so much for Chen Zhen. Whether out of love or a sense of responsibility, she ultimately didn’t abandon Chen Zhen.
If she had abandoned Chen Zhen, being as heartless as my biological mother, I wouldn’t have hoped she would be my mother. It was precisely because I saw that Chen Zhen was well – taken care of that I liked Teacher Lu.
But if Teacher Lu didn’t abandon Chen Zhen, my father wouldn’t agree, and she still couldn’t be my mother. This put me in a dilemma.
That night, I tossed and turned in bed, falling into confusion again.
What kind of attitude should I take to face Teacher Lu and Chen Zhen tomorrow? Should I continue to be attentive?
But what was the use?
The reality was there. No matter how attentive I was, they wouldn’t get married. It was all in vain.
My father was a decisive person. Once he made up his mind, he wouldn’t change it.
Teacher Lu wasn’t so beautiful that she could make my father lose his mind either.
Thinking randomly like this, I fell asleep in a daze.
In my dream, I returned to the day when I peeked outside the office.
After Teacher Lu scolded and hit Chen Zhen, she blamed herself and held Chen Zhen, crying bitterly. And Chen Zhen was expressionless.
Her eyes turned mechanically, and her gaze fell on me outside the window. She grinned, and a cold smile appeared on her pale face.
I wanted to run away, but I was rooted to the spot. I watched her smile become more and more exaggerated and distorted…
I woke up suddenly, scared and sweating profusely.
That night, I sat in the dark, and a thought suddenly flashed through my mind.
It would be great if Chen Zhen disappeared, so that Teacher Lu could be free.
It would be great if Chen Zhen died.
I shook my head hard, trying to forget this terrible thought.
But I couldn’t sleep all night.
6
After that day, while thinking about the next step, I continued to show kindness to Chen Zhen.
Teacher Lu treated me as usual, but I could feel that there was some uneasiness in her eyes when she looked at me.
Although my father was euphemistic, his dislike for Chen Zhen was obvious. This was human nature. Teacher Lu was also a reasonable person.
But an invisible gap still formed.
A few days later, Teacher Lu called me to the office. She talked to me about my study for a while. Finally, she said that now we were in the third year of junior high school, and everyone was busy with their studies. Explaining problems to Chen Zhen would take up a lot of my time, and she didn’t want to trouble me too much.
I said, “It doesn’t matter. It’s just a piece of cake. It’s natural for classmates to help each other.”
We went back and forth like this for a while. Teacher Lu had no choice but to let me do as I pleased.
During the break, I sat next to Chen Zhen and calculated a math problem for her.
She lowered her head, and her ponytail hung down, blocking her side face. I smelled the fragrance of her hair and was a little distracted.
A classmate nearby teased, “Are you explaining problems to your girlfriend again?”
In the past, I would ignore such jokes, but this time I seriously considered it.
I might as well give up the idea of a sibling relationship. I could just marry Chen Zhen. Then Teacher Lu would become my mother – in – law, which was also like having a mother.
My father would definitely not agree, so I might as well break off the father – son relationship.
But I was only 15 years old, and there were still many years until the legal marriage age, which seemed like an endless wait.
And to be honest, was I really willing to be with such a woman?
I wasn’t.
I was nice to Chen Zhen just to show Teacher Lu. I not only didn’t like her but even hated her.
I hated her expressionless poker face, her complacent look, her not giving any response to Teacher Lu, her wantonly wasting precious feelings and social resources, and her being good – for – nothing and dragging others down…
In short, this solution didn’t work.
So what else could I do?
I thought of that sinful thought again that night.
I always wanted to forget it, but once this thought came up, it couldn’t be contained.
It would appear and disappear, always jumping out when I was at a loss, showing its feasibility, constantly telling me that this was the best and most permanent solution.
No matter how I thought, it would always come back to this, until I was completely consumed by darkness.
Killing someone, what a terrible word.
But killing Chen Zhen, was it like doing a good deed for the people?
In fact, Teacher Lu also unconsciously wanted to be free. She had been holding on with a strong sense of responsibility.
Surely she must have had – even if only for a moment – the thought that it would be better if Chen Zhen didn’t exist.
But she was bound by the shackles of “maternal love”.
I had no other choice. I really had no other way.
This was the last resort.
Once I started seriously considering the issue of killing, I lost my qualification as a human being. Once I broke through the psychological defense line, my thinking got out of control and began to spread towards the endless abyss –
To kill Chen Zhen without anyone knowing, it had to be disguised as an accident or suicide.
Autistic patients themselves may have a suicidal tendency. Without much foreshadowing, people would associate it with this reason. This was a natural advantage.
I paid attention to the tall buildings and rivers nearby. There were many places suitable for suicide, but there were also many surveillance cameras along the way. If I took her there, I wouldn’t be able to get away scot – free.
Moreover, Chen Zhen was always with Teacher Lu except during class, and I couldn’t take her away alone.
The best way was to make Chen Zhen willing to die on her own.
If she had the idea of suicide herself, there would be more opportunities. For example, she could walk out of the classroom during the break and jump downstairs directly. Even if Teacher Lu watched closely, she couldn’t prevent it.
This was very difficult, but I could only give it a try.
I read a lot of psychological books and found that the best way was hypnosis, but this was not realistic.
On the one hand, as a junior high school student, no matter how hard I studied, I couldn’t reach the technical requirements of a psychologist. On the other hand, hypnosis required a quiet and enclosed environment and an uninterrupted period of time. Again, because of the same reason, I couldn’t take Chen Zhen away alone.
All I could do was induce her and put mental pressure on her.
While explaining problems during the break, I whispered in Chen Zhen’s ear –
“The classmates all say that you’re too stupid and that you’ve caused your mother so much suffering.”
“She’s wasted her whole life on you. She could have been very happy.”
“But I think you’ve had a hard time and managed to hold on until now. If I were you, I would have committed suicide long ago.”
“Anyway, it can’t be cured, and there’s no future. If I were in your shoes, I really wouldn’t want to drag my mother down.”
…
I could safely give Chen Zhen psychological hints and instill ideas of world – weariness. She wouldn’t tell Teacher Lu because she didn’t talk at all.
But it was really difficult to induce someone to commit suicide. Many factors were uncontrollable, and it was unknown when it would take effect, especially when the target was a person with a mental illness. What I instilled might have been greatly discounted, and I also had to avoid being seen by others.
At that time, I also had psychological problems. It made me very sad to say bad things every day.
After saying so much, Chen Zhen didn’t react. I still watched the deep affection between the mother and daughter. In the end, I didn’t want to say anything anymore.
When we entered the third year of junior high school, our studies became even busier. I was physically and mentally exhausted just from completing my study tasks every day, and I still had to spare some energy to think about Teacher Lu.
I clung tightly to that slim hope, not wanting it to be shattered.
There must be a way.
I was stuck in a difficult situation, but this mother – daughter pair seemed to have found a new path and were exploring it intensively.
Before, after school, I always went to Teacher Lu’s office and lingered for a while. But now, as soon as school was over, Teacher Lu and Chen Zhen left, and the office door was tightly locked.
In the third year of junior high school, the number of geography classes decreased, and the frequency of Teacher Lu’s appearance gradually decreased. At the same time, Chen Zhen started to ask for leave frequently.
Occasionally, when I saw Teacher Lu, her complexion was much better than before.
Why was this?
Teacher Lu had always been worried about Chen Zhen’s further education, but recently she seemed to have suddenly become enlightened.
I often stared blankly at the empty seat in front of me, wondering what this mother – daughter pair was up to. Had they given up on school, or were they avoiding me?
The more I thought about it, the more painful I felt. Every day without seeing them, I spent in anxious pain.
There was no need to avoid me, right? Why were they avoiding me?
I hadn’t done anything out of line, had I?
No, it should have nothing to do with me. They had their own rhythm of life.
Who was I anyway?
All along, it was just me who was suffering.
The next time I saw Teacher Lu, both she and Chen Zhen were a little tanned. They said they had gone on an outdoor hike. I never thought that they had disappeared for half a month to do this.
Teacher Lu seemed to be in a very good mood. She greeted me warmly and invited me to her home for dinner. I readily agreed.
I had been to her home several times before, especially during the period when I was preparing for the geography competition. I liked going to Teacher Lu’s home for dinner, but this time I had a premonition.
I guessed it might be the last time.
Their community was very old. It used to be a public housing allocated by the unit, and later they bought it with their own money. Because it was too old, there was no management, the infrastructure couldn’t keep up, and there were serious illegal constructions.
They lived on the fifth floor. The house was also very messy. All I could see were books everywhere, including teaching books, various famous works, and books related to autism.
There were also many picture books scattered on the ground, always in the same position every time I came.
Teacher Lu had said that some things must be placed in a fixed position, otherwise Chen Zhen would feel uneasy. This was the stereotypical behavior of autism.
Teacher Lu liked things to be neat, but she had to accommodate her daughter’s requests.
I helped Teacher Lu cook. When I brought the dishes out, I saw Chen Zhen sitting upright in front of the TV.
She was watching an outdoor survival documentary, still expressionless, but she was looking up, very focused.
I thought it was strange. I rarely saw Chen Zhen looking up.
Teacher Lu said that some time ago, she accidentally found that Chen Zhen was very interested in outdoor documentaries, so she took her out to play several times. As a result, she found that Chen Zhen was very relaxed in the wild, had strong hands – on ability, could fish, weave mats with grass, build a simple stove, and even learned how to make fire by drilling wood easily. Her personality had also become more cheerful.
She realized that this might be her daughter’s talent.
So they had been asking for leave frequently during this period to go outdoors.
I found it unbelievable. While I was in so much pain, they were out playing and even researching how to make fire by drilling wood?
Was Chen Zhen’s talent to be a primitive person? It was really ridiculous.
But I could only show a surprised look and be happy for Teacher Lu.
Teacher Lu said that she had been too nervous before, always forcing her daughter to learn this and that, hoping she could become normal as soon as possible. Her nervousness also made Chen Zhen nervous, which was not conducive to treatment. Chen Zhen preferred nature to being in a crowd.
Teacher Lu said that she had figured it out. Since Chen Zhen was not good at learning regular courses in school, she planned to take Chen Zhen out more often in the future, learn while playing. As a geography teacher, she was proficient in teaching natural knowledge.
She had a homestead in the countryside. After her ancestors passed away, the old house had been unoccupied for many years and half of it had collapsed. The place was surrounded by mountains and rivers, with beautiful scenery. She planned to build a small house there and move there with her daughter in the future.
When Chen Zhen was a child, before she was diagnosed with autism, she liked going back to her hometown very much. Living there would also be beneficial to her treatment.
The construction of the house in the countryside had already started, and they often went back to check on the progress during this period.
Now they were taking one step at a time, as long as Chen Zhen was happy.
I asked Teacher Lu what she would do about her job. She said she would see at that time and might transfer to a rural school.
But that place was in a mountain depression in a neighboring province. Although it wasn’t a poor county, the economy there was much worse than here.
She was an excellent teacher. Was she really willing?
I stared intently at her expression, trying to find some emotion other than joy, but there was none. She made this decision without hesitation.
If they went back to their hometown, I might never see Teacher Lu again. I was very panicked about this, while Teacher Lu looked calm.
Was she really so resolute? She had clearly praised me for being smart and sensible, for being a good boy, but she had no reluctance to part with me.
I ate this meal in a daze, standing blankly in the middle of the living room, watching Teacher Lu clean up the dishes, bustling about.
She walked around me, but she seemed like a shadow. No matter how I tried to get close, I couldn’t hold onto her.
Just like many years ago, the mother I saw in my nightmare when I was seriously ill.
They would all leave me without hesitation.
After dinner, Teacher Lu accompanied Chen Zhen to watch the documentary, teaching her various outdoor knowledge while watching, teaching her how to observe the terrain, observe animals and plants, how to use the Big Dipper to identify directions, how to collect fresh water, how to identify the wind direction, and so on.
Chen Zhen still didn’t say a word, but her expression softened a bit. She looked at the TV and then at her mother, but never at me.
She simply ignored me. All the things I had whispered in her ear before, she didn’t listen to any of them.
Watching them happy together, I felt more and more lonely, and more and more that they were inseparable, and I was just an outsider.
This meal was indeed the last one. Teacher Lu sincerely thanked me for my help in the past two years. She told me to study hard. She said that they were going to pursue a new goal later, and we probably wouldn’t see each other again.
I had worked so hard for so long, but in the end, it was all in vain.
They left. What should I do in the future?
With my only hope gone, what should I do in the future?
Everything seemed meaningless.
I walked to the window of her house and looked at the pitch – black night sky.
There were no stars, no moon, no clouds.
I thought of death.
I looked down, but I couldn’t see downstairs. My view was blocked by the anti – theft window and the air – conditioner outdoor unit.
The story couldn’t end like this.
7
I knew Chen Zhen didn’t like me.
Once when I was explaining a problem to her, she wrote three words on the draft paper –
You stink.
I asked her in confusion why.
She drew a cigarette, then looked up, saw through me at a glance, and then lowered her head again.
At that moment, I was struck like by lightning.
She knew I had smoked.
In primary school, because I was abandoned by my mother, I gave up on myself and skipped classes to go to Internet cafes.
I learned to smoke from the young hooligans in the Internet cafe. I only smoked a few times and didn’t get addicted.
In junior high school, I bid farewell to my past and tried my best to build a new self, to be a good student.
I thought I had been reborn. Who could tell that I had taken a small detour before?
But after all, what I had done was done. I was definitely different from before I did it.
Those choking smokes had entered my chest cavity, and the hard – to – metabolize nicotine had stayed in my lungs. The breath I exhaled was slightly different from others.
Others couldn’t smell it, but Chen Zhen could. Even if I brushed my teeth carefully and sprayed mouth spray, she could still tell.
This was also the reason why I comforted Teacher Lu by saying that Chen Zhen was actually very careful.
I couldn’t completely get rid of my past. A broken person was broken and couldn’t become a complete good person.
I was just a bad kid.
Two months later, on a night in early winter, in a half – asleep and half – awake state, I heard the sound of a fire engine roaring by.
I looked out of the window. At the end of the night sky, there was a faint red light, dyeing the clouds on the horizon red.
The smoke curled up and melted into the clouds. The sky and the earth seemed to be connected, like a scene in a dream.
It was a tragic fire that occurred on the fifth floor of a public housing.
A mother – daughter pair lived in the house.
The accident happened at night. And because the community was poorly managed, there were serious illegal constructions, and cars were parked in a mess. The fire engine was delayed for a while outside before reaching the accident site, so the fire couldn’t be effectively controlled in time.
Afterwards, the cause of the fire was investigated and found to be due to the aging of the insulation layer of the wire of the air – conditioner outdoor unit. There were a large number of books in the accident house, which all became kindling. The wind was very strong that night, which also led to the rapid spread of the fire.
After multi – party identification, this fire was considered an accident.
Was it?
The Japanese writer Edogawa Ranpo once said that the simpler the accident, the more likely it is a carefully planned murder.
However, I didn’t plan it carefully. I just took advantage of the situation.
The last time I had dinner at Teacher Lu’s house, I stood by the window and saw the old air – conditioner outdoor unit and the aging wire.
Next to the window was the bookshelf, and there were a large number of books in the house. These were originally fire hazards.
Later, that wire and those books often appeared in front of my eyes.
They told me, “Forget it. Let it all go.”
That mother – daughter pair wouldn’t be happy. They were just struggling in suffering in another way.
I wouldn’t be happy either.
Why bother?
On that windy night, I went to that community.
There were many blind spots in the community’s surveillance, and there was no one on the road.
I stood in the darkness on the fifth floor and calmly smoked a cigarette.
Then I put on gloves, climbed out of the corridor window, and crawled along the building to the window facing north. I stepped on the platform where the air – conditioner outdoor unit was placed.
I saw that wire, the open window inside the anti – theft window, and the books by the window.
Everything was in place. I was the one who brought that fire.
Afterwards, no one found out, and the cause of the accident was as I expected.
I thought I could end it all like this.
But I didn’t expect that even at this point, there could be a turning point.
It was a wish I didn’t dare to hope for –
Only one person survived the accident, and it was Teacher Lu.
8
Teacher Lu and Chen Zhen slept in separate rooms.
The two rooms were adjacent. Teacher Lu slept in the north room, and Chen Zhen slept in the south room.
That night, the fire spread very quickly. The living room was engulfed in a sea of fire in a short time.
Normal people know that if you touch the doorknob and it’s hot, it means the fire outside the door is fierce, and you must not open the door to go out.
But Chen Zhen wasn’t a normal person.
She was very scared when she encountered danger and wanted to find her mother. So she opened the door and was immediately engulfed by the oncoming fire.
In the end, only Teacher Lu survived.
This was beyond my expectation but also within reason. My desperate move had actually achieved the result I wanted.
This was a gift from heaven.
A few days later, I attended Chen Zhen’s funeral.
Chen Zhen had been ill for many years. Many people, afraid of getting into trouble, distanced themselves from this mother – daughter pair. So there weren’t many relatives and friends present. However, a few relatives from Chen Zhen’s father’s side also came.
Those relatives whispered to each other and looked at Teacher Lu with scrutinizing eyes.
The police also had some doubts for a short time because there were not a few cases of autistic children being killed by their over – burdened families.
But there was no sign that Teacher Lu had been overwhelmed.
She did have moments of collapse, but generally, her mentality was relatively positive. Before the accident, she and her daughter were still looking forward to a new life.
No matter who you asked, everyone would say that she was a good mother.
The on – site traces also showed that this was indeed an accident.
As long as people who knew the situation well could empathize with this mother’s situation and would view this matter from a positive perspective, believing that this was God’s help, helping this mother to be free and helping that child who didn’t belong to this world to return to the stars.
For a moment, I also thought that what happened that night might really be a dream. I didn’t do anything bad. I just had my dream come true.
However, there are two burn marks between the index finger and middle finger of my right hand, sending out dull pain. It was from that night when I was smoking in the corridor. I didn’t notice that the cigarette had burned down to the filter.
I quickly put my hand in my pocket and looked up in a panic. Then I saw the hanging portrait of the deceased.
Chen Zhen’s portrait was her admission photo. I couldn’t remember what she looked like clearly. I only remembered that in that black – and – white photo, she stared at me expressionlessly.
Only at this moment would she look at me for a long time. But this time, I wanted to escape. I only took one look and then quickly turned my eyes away.
Under the portrait was her coffin. There was no link to pay respects to the remains. She had been burned beyond recognition.
It was over. It was all over.
After the ceremony, I quickly walked up to Teacher Lu.
Teacher Lu was sitting alone in a corner, her eyes dull. Her face was pale, and she had lost a significant amount of weight in just a few days. Her hair was disheveled, and there were strands of white hair mixed in, making her look haggard and desolate.
I squatted down in front of her, tears streaming down my face. I said, “Teacher Lu, I’m so sorry. I really didn’t expect this to happen. If only I could have been there that night, maybe… maybe Chen Zhen wouldn’t have…”
Teacher Lu slowly raised her head and looked at me. Her eyes were empty, as if she couldn’t focus. After a long while, she seemed to recognize me. She reached out her hand and gently stroked my hair, saying in a hoarse voice, “He Jia, it’s not your fault. It’s all fate. I’ve been thinking these past few days, maybe this is the best ending for Chen Zhen. She won’t have to suffer anymore.”
Hearing her words, my heart ached. I grabbed her hand tightly and said, “Teacher Lu, you still have me. From now on, I’ll be by your side. I’ll take care of you. I’ll be your son.”
Teacher Lu was slightly stunned. She stared at me for a long time, and then a glimmer of light seemed to appear in her empty eyes. A faint smile appeared on her withered face, and she said, “He Jia, thank you. You’re such a good boy.”
At that moment, I felt as if a heavy burden had been lifted from my heart. Finally, after so much effort, I had achieved my goal. Teacher Lu was no longer burdened by Chen Zhen, and I could finally be by her side, like having a mother again.
In the days that followed, I took care of Teacher Lu as much as I could. I would visit her every day after school, help her with housework, and accompany her to talk. Teacher Lu’s spirit gradually improved. She started to clean up the house, sort out the things left by Chen Zhen, and seemed to be slowly coming out of the shadow of losing her daughter.
My father also noticed the change in me. He saw that I was always going to Teacher Lu’s place and was a bit surprised. I told him that Teacher Lu was alone now and needed someone to take care of her. My father didn’t say much. Perhaps he also felt a bit of pity for Teacher Lu.
As time passed, Teacher Lu and I became closer and closer. She treated me like her own son, and I finally experienced the warmth of family that I had longed for. I thought that everything would go on like this, and I would accompany Teacher Lu to grow old, making up for all the love and care she had lost.
However, one day, when I was rummaging through an old box at Teacher Lu’s house, I found something that completely shattered my world.
It was a stack of letters. The envelopes were yellowed with age, and the handwriting on them was very familiar. It was my mother’s handwriting.
I was shocked. My hands trembled as I opened one of the letters. The content inside made my blood run cold.
The letters were exchanges between Teacher Lu and my mother. It turned out that Teacher Lu and my mother had known each other a long time ago. They were college classmates and had a very good relationship.
My mother had told Teacher Lu everything about my father’s affair and her decision to leave me. And Teacher Lu had always been secretly paying attention to me. When she became my teacher, it wasn’t a coincidence at all. It was a deliberate arrangement.
She knew about my situation and my longing for a mother. That’s why she let me get close to her and Chen Zhen, hoping to give me a little bit of the family warmth that I lacked.
But she also knew that she couldn’t replace my mother. She was just trying to help me in her own way.
And the most terrifying thing was that in one of the letters, my mother mentioned that she had a premonition that something bad might happen to Chen Zhen. She felt that I was too attached to Teacher Lu and might do something extreme because of my eagerness to have a complete family.
She asked Teacher Lu to be careful and keep an eye on me. But Teacher Lu didn’t believe that I would do such a thing. She thought I was just a poor child who needed love.
Reading these letters, I felt as if I had fallen into an ice cellar. All my efforts, all my so – called “achievements,” were just a joke. Teacher Lu had known everything from the beginning. She had been pitying me, treating me like a poor little animal.
I felt humiliated, angry, and extremely painful. I had thought that I had finally found a place to belong, but in fact, it was all a lie.
I didn’t know how I left Teacher Lu’s house that day. I wandered the streets aimlessly, my mind in chaos.
What should I do now? Should I confront Teacher Lu? But what good would that do?
Everything had already happened. I had killed Chen Zhen, and no matter what the reason was, I was a murderer.
That night, I returned home. I locked myself in my room and didn’t come out for a long time.
I thought about my past, my longing for a mother, my efforts to get close to Teacher Lu, and the fire that night. It was all like a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from.
In the end, I made a decision. I took out a piece of paper and a pen and started to write.
I wrote a confession letter, admitting everything I had done. I knew that I couldn’t escape the law. I had to pay for my crimes.
After writing the letter, I put it in an envelope. I planned to send it to the police station the next day.
As I sat there, looking at the envelope in front of me, I felt a strange sense of relief. Maybe after I was punished by the law, all this pain would finally end.
The night was long, and the darkness seemed to swallow me up. But I knew that the dawn of the truth was about to come, no matter how harsh it would be.
I just hoped that in the next life, I could be born into a normal family, have a mother who loved me, and grow up healthily, without all these twisted desires and tragedies.
Finally, with a heavy heart, I closed my eyes, waiting for the end that I deserved.
-End-
