“At the kindergarten graduation ceremony where mothers were organized to perform, Luo Zhen didn’t show up again.
She hadn’t shown her face at our daughter’s kindergarten all year. I was already used to it.
Wearing a wig and an ill-fitting dress, I was ready to go on stage instead of Luo Zhen to fulfill our daughter’s last wish before she passed away.
But backstage, I ran into Luo Zhen, who was supposed to be in a meeting.
She was wearing a wedding dress and holding a little boy about the same age as our daughter.
Was that… the son of Qin Liang, Luo Zhen’s white moonlight?
1
With my belly exposed, I pinched the corner of my skirt and pushed through the crowd, wanting to go up and ask for an explanation.
Luo Zhen was squatting down, buttoning up Qin Xiaoming’s coat.
“Don’t be nervous when you go on stage later. Mommy’s here.”
Mommy?
Our own daughter was terminally ill, so skinny that only bones were left, hanging on to her last breath with an oxygen tank, just for this day.
And her own mother not only abandoned her on this day but also played the role of someone else’s mother in front of her?
At the thought of our daughter, my heart ached as if stabbed by a knife.
There were a lot of people here today. To avoid embarrassing our daughter, I suppressed my anger.
“Didn’t you say you’d be in a meeting all day?”
Luo Zhen glanced at Qin Xiaoming and pulled me aside.
“Today is very important for Xiaoming. Don’t make a fuss. We’ll talk about it when we get home.”
“What about Nianzhu? She only has one day left. Have you thought about that?”
I sneered, “Oh, home. Is it the home of you and me, or the home of you and Qin Liang?”
Luo Zhen’s face turned ugly, as if I had hit the nail on the head.
Since Qin Liang went abroad, she hadn’t been home for a month. I knew that she wasn’t busy with work but had been taking care of Qin Xiaoming all along.
“Xiaoming’s mother passed away when he was little, and his father isn’t at home. What’s wrong with me helping to take care of him?”
Qin Liang’s family had three nannies. It wasn’t necessary for her to take care of him. Her intentions were obvious.
To accompany our daughter through her last days, I didn’t have the heart to argue with her.
But this morning, the doctor said that our daughter wouldn’t survive tonight and informed me to prepare for the worst.
I secretly took our daughter away to fulfill her last wish.
I called Luo Zhen no less than a hundred times and sent countless text messages, begging her to come. All I got was the cold auto-reply.
“I’ll be in a meeting all day today. I’ll call you back later.”
Qin Xiaoming got impatient waiting and went forward to pull Luo Zhen’s bag strap.
“Mommy, hurry up!”
Luo Zhen’s eyes were full of tenderness. She squatted down, put her hands on Qin Xiaoming’s shoulders, and said softly, “Baby, Nianzhu’s mommy didn’t come. Her daddy will perform on stage instead of her. He got lost, so he asked for a while longer.”
I had never seen her look so affectionate with our daughter and me.
Qin Xiaoming took a lick of the lollipop in his hand and rolled his eyes.
“It’s that Ji Nianzhu from Class Three. She doesn’t even have a mommy!”
“All the classmates said it’s because she’s sick, so her mommy doesn’t want her anymore. Otherwise, why hasn’t she shown up for a year?”
My heart suddenly trembled. For a moment, it felt like my blood was flowing backwards, and I could hardly breathe.
When our daughter was five years old, we passed by this kindergarten, and the children inside were playing and laughing.
She stuck her head out of the car window and waved her hand with needles in it.
“Daddy, I also want to play with normal children like them.”
This year, the company of those children gave her hope to live.
She was only six years old! Her body was bruised purple from the needles, but she never complained of pain.
If she knew that in their minds, the illness that tortured her was also the reason for her being abandoned by her mother, how sad she would be!
The anger in my heart burst out. I grabbed Qin Xiaoming’s arm and said word by word, “She’s not a child abandoned by her mother! Her mother is dead!”
My eyes were red, and the veins on my face bulged. Qin Xiaoming was so scared that he wet his pants and burst into tears.
Luo Zhen got worried and hugged Qin Xiaoming tightly in her arms.
“Ji Jing, children say things without thinking. He’s just a kid. What does he know?”
“You’ll scare him and give him a childhood trauma. Apologize quickly!”
She wanted me to apologize to the person who talked about our daughter just to be a good mother to someone else.
“In your dreams.”
2
Everything was ready. Teacher Zhang pushed our daughter to the backstage.
Our daughter was wearing an oxygen mask and couldn’t speak anymore. She wrote a few crooked words with her trembling hands.
“Daddy, hasn’t Mommy arrived yet?”
My heart ached again, and I didn’t dare to look into her eyes directly.
I really didn’t know whether I should tell her the truth or not.
Teacher Zhang saw my embarrassment and pulled me aside, looking worried. “Nianzhu’s daddy, try contacting Nianzhu’s mommy again. Nianzhu’s condition is very bad. I’m afraid…”
I clenched my phone, not knowing what to do.
Just then, the music started. I kissed our daughter’s forehead and rushed onto the stage as if fleeing.
With the inappropriate dance and the ill-fitting dress, I performed with all my might, just to make up for the regret that the role of mommy had brought to her.
But after all, I’m not mommy.
Our daughter’s eyes were filled with deep disappointment. She raised the corners of her mouth, her facial muscles twitching uncontrollably, and gave me a weak smile.
Even smiling was so painful for her.
Qin Xiaoming kept shouting that he wanted to go home backstage. Luo Zhen had to beg others to change the order of the performances, and theirs was right after ours.
She wore the wedding dress, held Qin Xiaoming’s hand tightly, and started singing.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are.”
“Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky.”
…
Our daughter saw Luo Zhen, who was精心打扮, at a glance. She stared at her tightly, and tears flowed from her eyes.
She picked up the paper tremblingly and wrote a few words. “Daddy, will I become a star after I die?”
“If I become a star, will Mommy sing for me?”
I turned my head away without saying a word, and tears welled up uncontrollably.
After the song ended, Luo Zhen pulled Qin Xiaoming and walked out. The driver from Qin Liang’s family had been waiting at the door for a long time.
She walked past us like a stranger.
Our daughter wanted to call her back. She opened her mouth several times but couldn’t make a sound.
She raised her hand painfully to gesture, but never got Luo Zhen’s attention.
I rushed forward to question Luo Zhen if her heart was made of stone and if she still cared about our daughter at all.
When I met our daughter’s begging eyes, I involuntarily loosened my hand that was pinching Luo Zhen’s arm.
She didn’t want her mommy to be wronged at all.
I was like a deflated balloon, lowered my head, and said in an almost pleading tone, “Qin Xiaoming’s mommy, could you sing a song for my daughter?”
“Ji Jing, what trick are you playing again?”
Luo Zhen gritted her teeth, as if I were her enemy.
“Just one song, the one you sang on stage just now, or just a couple of lines, even one line is okay.”
“I’m begging you.”
I knelt on the ground, praying for her last bit of mercy.
Qin Xiaoming suddenly started making a fuss in the car. “Hurry up! If we don’t leave now, we’ll miss the beginning of Ultraman tonight!”
Luo Zhen glanced at our daughter and then at the car behind her. Her eyes wavered a little.
“Let’s talk about it later.”
But there would be no “later”.
This might be the last time she saw our daughter.
Our daughter got worried and hurriedly picked up the paper, trying to write “Don’t go”.
But the more panicked she was, the less control she had over her hands. Before she could finish writing “Don’t”, Luo Zhen got into the car.
She finally chose to abandon us.
Our daughter lowered her head and couldn’t help but break down and cry.
I bent down to hug her and swallowed my tears.
“Let’s go, daddy will take you home.”
3
Under the faint moonlight, I held our daughter and sat in front of the floor-to-ceiling window, counting the stars in the sky.
She leaned weakly against me, breathing painfully.
“Daddy, will I become a star after I die?”
“Silly girl, you’ll get well. Don’t say such silly things.”
My heart ached so much that I could hardly breathe.
She touched my hand, smiled faintly, and then suddenly started coughing violently.
The inside of the oxygen mask was bright red. She lay on the ground, convulsing all over, making painful sobbing sounds.
I hugged her tightly, took out my phone in a panic, and was about to dial 120.
At this moment, I suddenly heard another voice.
“Daddy, I’m in so much pain. Let me go.”
My hand that was dialing paused. I looked at our daughter in my arms. She was coughing so hard that her face turned purple and blue, curling up in pain.
I knew clearly in my heart that the oxygen tank couldn’t relieve her pain but only let her live in pain.
I couldn’t bear to let her go, but I also couldn’t bear to see her suffer.
After thinking for a moment, I made the most difficult decision in my life and raised my hand tremblingly.
I cut our daughter’s umbilical cord with my own hands when she was born, and now I was taking off her oxygen mask with my own hands.
Our daughter took two deep breaths, the corners of her mouth slightly raised, and then slowly closed her eyes.
She would never be in pain again.
I held her and sat in front of the window, staying awake all night.
The blinding sunlight brought back my thoughts. I dialed Luo Zhen’s phone numbly.
“Our daughter is dead.”
An impatient male voice came from the other end of the phone.
“Who is it? You’re disturbing my sleep early in the morning.”
It was Qin Liang.
It seemed that he had already returned to China.
Luo Zhen didn’t say anything and hung up the phone in a hurry.
To be with Qin Liang, she deliberately hid the existence of our daughter and me.
A few minutes later, Luo Zhen surprisingly sent a text message.
“Ji Jing, you’re getting more and more jealous. To make me go home, you even made up such a ridiculous excuse that our daughter is dead.”
I used to try every way to beg her to come home for our daughter’s sake.
Now that our daughter is gone, I don’t care anymore.
I typed a few words casually.
“Let’s get divorced.”
4
I put on our daughter’s favorite princess dress for her and handed her over to the mortician with my own hands.
The dazzling fire was jumping, and my eyes couldn’t focus at all.
How could such a little lovely girl turn into a handful of light ashes?
I held the small urn and walked numbly to Feng Yi’s studio. He was my only friend in this world and also the best illustrator in the world.
“Just draw cacti. Nianzhu liked cacti the most when she was alive.”
Our daughter once said that it would be nice if she were a cactus, which couldn’t be blown down by the wind or washed away by the rain.
“If I were a cactus, daddy wouldn’t be so sad for me.”
I felt a sharp pain in my heart. Strangely enough, I didn’t shed a single tear.
It seemed that in my heart, our daughter was just sleeping.
Feng Yi painted the urn full of cacti with tears in his eyes.
“Leave Nianzhu to me. I’ll take her to the desert to see the real cactus world.”
Feng Yi often went abroad to collect folk customs and look for inspiration for his paintings.
I, this useless father, couldn’t even take our daughter out of the hospital when she was alive.
Now that she’s dead, it can be considered fulfilling my last wish that she can travel around the world with him.
I’m dying too.
5
When I got home, I packed up our daughter’s belongings.
These years, I had been scrimping and saving to treat our daughter’s illness. I hadn’t bought her any valuable things.
I picked up the plush teddy bear that she loved the most and took it with me. It was a gift I gave her on her first birthday.
I took out my phone and was about to buy a plane ticket to go abroad when I realized that my phone had been turned off for a long time.
When I turned it on, Luo Zhen’s call came in right away.
The phone showed that she had already called dozens of times.
“Ji Jing, where’s our daughter? Where did you hide her?”
It seemed that she had come back yesterday.
“You even teamed up with our daughter to deceive me. Can you stop being so childish?”
“It was just a small thing that I sang a song with Qin Xiaoming. Is it necessary to get divorced because of this?”
Our daughter is already dead, but she’s still arguing about these unimportant things.
She was still shouting on the other end of the phone. “Ji Jing, you…”
I interrupted her, “Luo Zhen, are you sad that our daughter is dead?”
“How could I not…”
I interrupted her again, “Our daughter’s last wish was just to see you one more time. And you, you played the mother of someone else’s child in front of her.”
“You wouldn’t even sing a simple song for her. Are you worthy of being a mother?”
“She could have avoided suffering in this world. But you brought her into this world and didn’t love her.”
“It’s you. You’re the one who hurt her!”
When Qin Liang got married, Luo Zhen was so stimulated that she stuffed several bottles of pills into her mouth and tried to commit suicide.
I took her to the hospital overnight to have her stomach pumped. She survived, but she missed a very important prenatal check-up.
Our daughter was born with a congenital rare disease.
For six whole years, she spent all her time in the hospital, and her body was full of needle marks.
After a deathly silence on the other end of the phone, Luo Zhen roared again.
“Ji Jing, you’re talking nonsense!”
“Our daughter has been taking the best special medicines all these years. How could she die suddenly .
“It must be that you didn’t take good care of her, hurt her, and now you want to put all the blame on me!”
“I won’t divorce until I see our daughter!”
Luo Zhen didn’t know that our daughter couldn’t afford the special medicines long ago.
These years, I took care of our daughter 24 hours a day and had no income at all.
Luo Zhen’s salary was never brought home. She spent it all on Qin Xiaoming.
I sold my car and the house in my hometown and could barely afford five years’ worth of special medicines.
After getting used to the effect of the special medicines, the ordinary medicines didn’t work anymore.
I begged Luo Zhen, begged her to lend me some money to buy medicine for our daughter.
But she just scolded me.
“Ji Jing, didn’t you just sell your car and house? How could you run out of money so soon? Our daughter needs money now. Can’t you be more thrifty?”
“Qin Xiaoming’s Taekwondo class is about to pay the fee. I still need my money. Go ask others!”
She clearly knew that I hardly had any friends.
I continued to beg her, begged her to divorce me and sell the part of the property that belonged to me.
She got even angrier.
“Do you want to drag my house into this too? You’re such a spendthrift!”
The hospital’s payment reminder kept coming. I walked numbly on the street and got into the red and white car parked by the roadside.
They took my blood and gave me a hundred yuan.
I held the money and walked into KFC, where I saw Luo Zhen sitting by the window with Qin Xiaoming.
Qin Xiaoming’s mouth was full of chicken legs, and there were two family buckets on the table. Luo Zhen got up and ordered two more.
“Our baby loves it. I’ll take you to eat it every day from now on.”
At the cashier, she ran into me who was walking out with a family bucket in my arms.
Seeing me, she said in a contemptuous tone,
“Ji Jing, you still have money to buy a family bucket? It seems that things aren’t as bad as you said.”
“I know what’s on your mind. You’re just jealous and want to annoy me, right?”
I didn’t want to argue with her and just wanted to leave quickly. It wouldn’t taste good when it got cold.
Luo Zhen didn’t intend to let me go. She tore my bucket apart and stepped on the steaming chicken with her high heels. I reached out to protect the chicken, and my fingers were trampled until they were bloody.
The hospital’s payment reminder call came again. “Mr. Ji, you’ve owed a lot of money. It really can’t be delayed any longer.”
I couldn’t care less about arguing with her. I picked up a few pieces of relatively intact chicken, wrapped them with the torn napkins, and ran out in a hurry.
Our daughter’s medicine supply instrument had been suspended. She sat by the bed, waiting for me obediently.
“Daddy, how did you get hurt?”
A few drops of tears fell on my hand. She skillfully used her clothes to bandage me.
She was only five years old at that time, but she had already learned how to bandage.
I took out those broken pieces of chicken, which were stained with my blood. Our daughter didn’t care at all.
“Daddy, thank you for making me so happy.”
She chewed carefully, spit it out after the taste was gone.
She couldn’t eat normally long ago.
After eating all of it, she patted her shriveled belly.
“Daddy, I’m so full!”
I couldn’t help it, and tears streamed down my face.
She gently wiped away my tears and said softly, “Daddy, let’s go home. I don’t want to be treated anymore.”
Thinking of this, my heart ached as if it were being twisted by a knife.
Luo Zhen on the other end of the phone was still shouting. I ignored her and hung up the phone.
I was so tired.
I just wanted to die quietly.
After looking around, I finally bought a connecting flight ticket to Iceland.
Let me die in this lively yet lonely place.
6
Early the next morning, Luo Zhen called again and asked me to meet her at the coffee shop downstairs to sign the divorce agreement.
Yesterday she was so reluctant to get divorced, but today she changed her mind for some reason.
I decided to go.
This ill-fated relationship should come to an end.
Luo Zhen was sitting in my favorite seat. For the first time, she ordered a cup of coffee that I liked to drink and put a cup of sweet milk that our daughter loved beside it.
“Ji Jing, where’s our daughter? If she doesn’t come out soon, the milk will get cold.”
I paused for a moment.
Did she still not believe it?
But I didn’t want to argue with her. I signed my name neatly and was ready to leave.
Suddenly, Luo Zhen went crazy. She tore the divorce agreement to pieces and came up to search through my coat.
“Where’s our daughter? Where did you hide her?”
“You were lying to me yesterday, right? You two teamed up to deceive me, right?”
Luo Zhen was very strong. The diamond ring on her ring finger scratched my arm, and blood oozed out. I also started coughing.
The smell of blood spread in my mouth. I spat out a mouthful of blood onto Luo Zhen’s high heels, and she suddenly panicked.
“Ji Jing, what’s wrong with you? Don’t scare me!”
Was Luo Zhen actually worried about me? Was it just an illusion before I died?
It must be my illusion. She had hated me to the core long ago and couldn’t wait for me to die earlier.
Back then, Qin Liang got angry with her and went abroad. After that, there was no news from him.
She was so disheartened that she chose to marry me.
We had a child soon after we got married. When she was five months pregnant, Qin Liang came back.
Seeing Luo Zhen with a big belly, he humiliated her.
“Luo Zhen, were you that impatient? Would you die without a man?”
Qin Liang quickly went on blind dates and married someone else.
Luo Zhen blamed all the mistakes on me.
“If you hadn’t agreed to marry me back then, how could he treat me like this?”
“You’ve ruined my whole life!”
But back then, it was she who cried and begged me to marry her.
For a whole seven years, I had also been tortured for seven years.
I was forced to use my whole life to pay off this debt of karma.
Forget it. When a person dies, the debts disappear.
When I die, everything will be over.
7
After that day, I blocked all of Luo Zhen’s contact information.
On the day I went abroad, in the waiting room, I sat on the seat, stroking our daughter’s photo over and over again.
It was taken when I took her to the seaside to play when she was three years old.
Just looking at the seaside for a while could make her as happy as a flower.
Our daughter’s smile was right in front of me, but I could never touch it again.
Feng Yi’s call came. I hesitated for a moment.
When our daughter was moved back home from the hospital, it was Feng Yi who helped me pay off the hospital bills.
He used his connections to find a medium-sized hospital for our daughter to continue the treatment. He not only paid the hospitalization fees but also often bought some supplements for our daughter.
Our daughter always said to me, “Daddy, if only I could survive. If I could survive, I would repay Uncle Feng as well as I’m filial to you.”
I originally wanted to leave quietly, but he was my only friend in this life. I should say goodbye to him properly.
“Ji Jing, where have you been? Luo Zhen is looking for you like crazy!”
I ignored him and just started talking on my own.
“Feng Yi, I divorced Luo Zhen. Half of the property belongs to me. You can sell it.”
“Maybe it’s not enough to pay back the money you spent on me and my daughter this year. I’ll repay you in the next life.”
“Feng Yi, you’re my best friend in this life. Thank you.”
Regardless of how Feng Yi roared on the other end of the phone, I hung up resolutely.
I held the teddy bear and got on the plane.
I hadn’t slept for several days, and I was a bit dazed. I accidentally stepped on someone’s shoes.
The man glared at me and muttered a few curses.
It was nice. Here, I was the same as everyone else.
No one would give way to me because of my misery, and no one would look at me with pity.
I followed the seat number to find my seat. When I passed by that man, he deliberately tripped me, and I fell to the ground without any preparation.
The teddy bear was squeezed under my body, and the white cotton inside spilled out.
Among the cotton, there was a brand-new note.
I opened it in confusion, and inside was our daughter’s childish handwriting.
“Daddy, don’t be sad. After I die, I’ll turn into a beautiful butterfly and accompany you by your side.”
I don’t know if it was because of the fall or the erosion of longing, but I started coughing violently.
Suddenly, a blue and white butterfly flew in front of me. How could there be a butterfly on the plane? I must be crazy.
But on the day our daughter died, she was wearing a dress of this color!
Is that you, my daughter?
It flew higher and higher, farther and farther, until it flew out of the boarding gate, until I couldn’t see it anymore.
My daughter, are you telling me that you’re leaving?
Don’t go, please don’t go.
Daddy can’t bear to part with you!
I staggered to my feet and stumbled towards the door.
The staff stopped me. “Sir, the plane is about to take off. Please sit in your seat.”
“I won’t!”
“That butterfly, catch that butterfly!”
“Please, help me catch that butterfly…”
The staff looked at each other in confusion. “Sir, there’s no butterfly here. Did you take any medicine and have hallucinations?”
No, it’s impossible. I clearly saw it fly out just now.
I asked the nearby passengers for help, but they all said the same thing. They had never seen any butterfly.
I was at a loss in my heart and slumped to the ground.
The cold wind at the airport blew on my face, waking up the thoughts that had been sleeping for so many days.
I suddenly realized that all of these were just my illusions.
My daughter had really left.
My chest felt as if it was being pressed by something huge, and I suddenly spat out a mouthful of blood and fell to the ground.
Am I finally going to die?
8
It was Feng Yi who picked me up.
When I woke up in the hospital, he was beside me, peeling an apple.
He peeled it round and round. It wasn’t until the third round that he was willing to talk to me.
“Ji Jing, you don’t regard me as a friend at all! You have such a serious lung cancer, and you hid it from me!”
I smiled weakly.
Half a year ago, I was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer.
The doctor advised me to get treated properly and said that I could still live for another year.
No way.
I couldn’t afford the expensive medical expenses at all.
Besides, if I was hospitalized, who would take care of my poor daughter?
Luo Zhen? Don’t be ridiculous.
In the past six months, to avoid being discovered, I tried hard to swallow food so that I wouldn’t become as thin as a monster.
But my body was out of my control. I often vomited until I was dizzy in the middle of the night.
When the pain in my lungs was unbearable, I would think of my daughter.
I couldn’t die before her, could I?
The painful memories came back again, and I was so stimulated that my breathing stopped.
Feng Yi threw away the apple and quickly called the doctor.
The defibrillator was lifted and lowered on my chest repeatedly, and the doctor kept calling my name beside my ear.
But I couldn’t lift my eyelids no matter how hard I tried.
I just felt that I was floating in the air lightly, and I couldn’t hear anyone’s words clearly.
Suddenly, I saw Luo Zhen. She was standing behind the doctor, covering her mouth and crying.
Was I already dead? Had I started dreaming?
Suddenly, Luo Zhen rushed forward, shook my arm, and seemed to be shouting my name.
“Ji Jing, don’t die. I won’t allow you to die!”
I actually heard her words clearly, and my consciousness gradually became clear.
Did she actually care about whether I lived or died?
This must be a dream, right?
9
I don’t know how long I had been in a coma. When I woke up again, only Luo Zhen was by my side.
She was sitting by the bed, sleeping with her face on the back of my hand, and the tears on her face hadn’t been wiped dry yet.
The sunlight shone on her back, casting a soft light.
She was just like Luo Zhen when she was eighteen, shining brightly as she appeared in my world.
Luo Zhen and Qin Liang were the most suitable couple in school. I knew that I didn’t have a chance.
But at that time, the young and inexperienced me couldn’t control my passionate feelings.
Even if it was just looking at her from behind, just one glance would be okay, I thought.
Later, we graduated, and unexpectedly, I was assigned to work in the same city as her.
I firmly believed that it must be an arrangement of heaven.
The long-distance relationship between Luo Zhen and Qin Liang had cracks in their feelings. They started to quarrel and have cold wars constantly.
The most serious time, Qin Liang directly resigned and went abroad for further studies. After that, there was no news from him.
I, the spare tire hiding beside her, finally came in handy.
I didn’t expect to marry her at first. I just wanted to accompany her.
Until one day, she got drunk and cried, “Ji Jing, why am I always so humble? Why is it always me who has to apologize? Why?”
“Ji Jing, I can’t hold on any longer. Marry me. I’m begging you.”
God knows how happy I was that day.
I thought it was the beginning of happiness, but it turned out to be an abyss.
Later, Qin Liang came back. Luo Zhen lied that I was dead and that the child was also dead after birth. She tried to rekindle the love with Qin Liang and was willing to be his mistress.
Later, Qin Liang’s wife died of illness, and she actually started to be Qin Xiaoming’s mother openly.
My daughter and I were just burdens to her.
My body started coughing violently again out of control, and a mouthful of blood burst out, staining the oxygen mask red.
Luo Zhen got up in a panic and pressed the emergency call button.
“Ji Jing, hold on. Don’t die. I haven’t treated you well yet!”
Her hands were cold, touching my equally cold face, and the diamond ring on her finger was gone.
This touch was actually real.
So, she did care about me, didn’t she?
But what’s the use of that to me?
My heart had already gone with my daughter on the day she died.
10
The doctor from the director’s office came over and shone a flashlight into my eyes.
He let out a soft sigh and shook his head.
“You only have two days left.”
Luo Zhen fell to her knees with a thud and grabbed the doctor’s trouser leg tightly.
“I’m begging you. Please, you must save him…”
“I’ve never begged anyone before. As long as you can save him, I’ll do anything.”
She took out the money and bank cards from her bag and stuffed them into the doctor’s pocket like crazy.
“Isn’t it just money?! I have money. I have plenty of it!”
The doctor shook his trouser leg and frowned tightly. “Now you think of using money to treat him. What were you thinking before? If the patient had come for treatment a few months earlier, there might have been hope!”
Luo Zhen suddenly remembered something, slumped to the ground and stopped struggling.
I hadn’t failed to mention this matter to Luo Zhen.
On the day of the diagnosis, I was at a loss. I deliberately tricked Luo Zhen into coming home and put my diagnosis report in the most conspicuous place.
I didn’t expect her to treat me. I just hoped that she could have a bit of pity and take good care of our daughter after I died.
Luo Zhen did see it and she did scold me.
“Ji Jing, what are you up to again? Your tricks are getting more and more sophisticated!”
“You still want to threaten me with death! If you want to die, just die quickly! I tell you, even if you die, I won’t shed a single tear for you!”
Well, she broke her promise.
Luo Zhen’s cell phone rang. It was the ringtone专属 to Qin Liang. She had changed it specifically so as not to miss Qin Liang’s calls.
She took a look at it and didn’t answer it for the first time.
The phone kept ringing, and she simply turned it off.
“Ji Jing, I’ve really broken up with Qin Liang. Get well treated. We’ll still be together nicely in the future.”
I turned my face away.
It’s too late. Everything is too late.
11
Luo Zhen bought a camp bed and settled down beside me.
She bought many comic books that I loved to read when I was at school and sat by the bed all day long telling me the stories in them.
I turned my face away and didn’t want to pay attention. All I could think about were the scenes of our daughter.
When our daughter was three years old, Feng Yi gave her a set of paintbrushes.
She drew a big circle, added a nose and eyes on it.
“Look, my daddy is so handsome!”
People came and went in the hospital ward, but we were the regulars.
The nurse sisters would come to see her whenever they were free.
“Nianzhu, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be daddy!”
Laughter always came from the ward.
Even though she was in so much pain, she still comforted others.
Tears blurred my eyes again, and my consciousness became more and more blurred.
Our daughter suddenly appeared in front of me. She was healthy, with a rosy complexion. She took my hand, frowning her little brows.
“Daddy, you’re not getting treated properly. You’re not being good.”
Was this a dream?
I wanted to hug her, but I passed right through her body.
“Baby, take daddy with you. Daddy can’t live without you.”
She didn’t say anything and disappeared silently from my dream.
I shouted and chased desperately, but I couldn’t see her anywhere.
“Ji Jing, Ji Jing, wake up quickly, Ji Jing!”
Luo Zhen’s voice rang in my ears, and I slowly opened my eyes.
So it was really a dream.
I don’t know if it was because I dreamed of our daughter, but I felt in an especially good state today.
To Luo Zhen’s astonishment, I pulled out the oxygen mask and slowly sat up. My appetite also suddenly improved.
“I want to eat a KFC family bucket.”
Luo Zhen was stunned for a moment. It was the first time I had talked to her during this period.
Tears immediately rolled down her cheeks, and she wiped them randomly with her sleeves.
“Okay, okay, I’ll go and buy it for you right away.”
After Luo Zhen left, I stood by the window looking at the scenery.
I hadn’t seen such nice sunlight for a long time.
Feng Yi, who had disappeared for several days, showed up. He was holding the urn of Nianzhu’s ashes, and there was also a small box beside him.
He was sincerely happy when he saw me looking so energetic.
“Ji Jing, I made a special trip to the desert these days and brought back cactus specimens.”
“In the future, put them with Nianzhu and you…”
Feng Yi realized that he had said something wrong and quickly changed the subject.
I understood everything.
I smiled and said faintly, “Feng Yi, thank you. Thank you for making my life have no regrets.”
As a friend for many years, he immediately understood what I meant.
For the first time, I saw him break down and cry like a child.
12
Luo Zhen came back. She was holding two big family buckets.
When I thought of how she had trampled on me that day, I suddenly felt a bit sick.
“Throw them away.”
Luo Zhen was stunned for a moment. The smile on her face froze, and it took her a while to come to her senses.
“Okay, okay. What else would you like to eat? I’ll go and buy it again.”
With a bang, someone kicked the door of the ward open.
“Ji Jing, you bastard!”
“Zhenzhen ran a long way to buy these at noon. You just want to throw them away! How can you be worthy of her?”
It was Qin Liang.
Oh.
I had endured the same situation for seven years.
Just this one time, and he couldn’t take it?
I sneered and didn’t answer.
Qin Liang rushed forward, grabbed my hospital gown, and pushed me into the corner.
He was very strong. Neither Feng Yi nor I could do anything to him.
“Ji Jing, don’t think I don’t know. You’ve been pretending to be dead all these years and actually pestering Zhenzhen behind her back. Don’t think I don’t know!”
“You scumbag, you should go to the eighteenth level of hell!”
I coughed softly. This time, I didn’t cough up blood.
“What makes you think you’re any good? Weren’t you also cheating on Zhenzhen with other women?”
Three years ago, Feng Yi called me to his studio to give our daughter a portrait as a gift.
There, I saw a tall and elegant woman. She took out a photo from her mobile phone and asked Feng Yi to paint a portrait for her.
I could tell at a glance that the person in the photo was Qin Liang.
She painted a huge portrait and planned to hang it at home.
“My boyfriend is busy with work and always has no time to accompany me. If I hang this portrait at home, it will be like he’s with me.”
Every year after that, she would come to Feng Yi to ask for a new portrait.
I hadn’t failed to remind Luo Zhen that Qin Liang was cheating on her, but she was so deeply in love with Qin Liang that she didn’t want to listen to a word I said.
The family buckets in Luo Zhen’s hands dropped to the ground. She opened her mouth slightly, looking at Qin Liang in disbelief.
“Didn’t you say you only loved me?”
“You said before that you were afraid Xiaoming couldn’t accept it and didn’t want to get married. In fact, it wasn’t that you didn’t want to get married, but that you didn’t want to marry me, right?”
Oh~ So that’s how it was.
Luo Zhen went crazy.
She rushed up and put her hands around Qin Liang’s neck. “You never intended to marry me. You’ve been lying to me for so long. You’ve ruined my family!”
Qin Liang was very strong. He pushed Luo Zhen under him with his backhand.
“What do you think you are? How long had I been away before you got married? Were you that impatient?”
“For your own sake, you were willing to be someone else’s mistress. What’s the difference between marrying you and bringing a time bomb home?”
“If I really married you, it would be my family that was ruined!”
They knew everything.
All the boomerangs that Luo Zhen had thrown at me over the years finally came back to stab her.
Luo Zhen completely went crazy. She kneed Qin Liang hard in the crotch. Taking advantage of the moment when he was in pain and distracted, she turned around and started fighting with him.
Feng Yi and I stood by the window, watching them fight like dogs, feeling a strange sense of satisfaction.
“Evil will be punished by evil.” Feng Yi smiled smugly.
Suddenly, my heart started beating violently, and I felt a heavy oppression in my chest.
I crouched on the ground and started coughing violently, spitting out a mouthful of blood.
It’s said that when a person is about to die, there’s a premonition.
I knew that I was really going to die.
I closed my eyes and quietly waited for death.
Feng Yi and Luo Zhen were shouting my name desperately beside me, but I couldn’t hear any sound.
My body felt light, so light.
I floated to the gate of the underworld. The guard at the gate looked fierce.
He stopped me, his voice hoarse. “Ji Jing, you still have one chance. Once you step through this gate, you can’t come back.”
“Have you made up your mind?”
Suddenly, I saw a small figure flash by on the other side of the gate.
She was crawling on the ground, then stood up and ran forward.
She had two braids, one higher and one lower. That was my handiwork.
Looking back, Feng Yi and Luo Zhen were lying on my body, crying loudly.
I was emaciated, lying there motionless.
The doctor came in again with the defibrillator and sent everyone away.
Once, twice, three times…
I still didn’t move.
The small figure on the other side of the gate flashed by again. This time, I saw her face clearly.
It was my baby.
She tilted her head and smiled at me. “Daddy, you’re the best daddy in the world!”
I didn’t hesitate and resolutely ran towards her.
When I stepped through that gate, the life support equipment connected to me sounded the beep indicating death.
My dearest daughter, you’ll be lonely on the road to the underworld. Daddy’s coming to accompany you.
Extra Chapter: Luo Zhen’s Story
After Ji Jing died, Luo Zhen sent his body to be cremated.
That day, she lay on the floor of the funeral parlor, crying until she passed out.
Later, she took the ashes of Ji Jing and their daughter, along with the cactus specimen, and went home.
She held the two urns, sat in front of the floor-to-ceiling window, and kept humming songs.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are.”
“Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky.”
She regretted so much. She regretted that on the day her daughter left, she didn’t sing a song for her properly and be a good mother to her.
She opened Ji Jing’s diary. The first half was full of his love for her, and the second half was full of his hatred.
Actually, from the very beginning, Luo Zhen knew that Ji Jing had been secretly in love with her.
The anonymous breakfasts that were different every day, the brown sugar water that always came on time during her period, she knew it was all from Ji Jing.
She knew everything.
After Qin Liang abandoned her again because of a trifle, she started to pay attention to Ji Jing, this big boy.
She found that his thoughts were very simple. When he liked someone, he would give unconditionally.
He was completely different from the selfish and arrogant Qin Liang.
She started to have feelings for him, but Ji Jing was always too timid to break that layer of the relationship.
On the day of the proposal, Luo Zhen said that she couldn’t bear that kind of relationship any longer.
Actually, she was talking about Ji Jing.
They walked into the marriage hall, had a baby together, and spent a short but happy period of time.
But then Qin Liang came back.
At first, she was just unwilling.
She was unwilling that Qin Liang treated her like an object, discarding her whenever he wanted and picking her up whenever he liked.
She was unwilling that Qin Liang could marry and have a child so casually, as if she had never existed.
She wanted to win him back, destroy his marriage, and then dump him hard, making him taste the feeling of being abandoned.
She had thought that after everything was over, she would come back and live a good life with Ji Jing.
But Qin Liang’s sweet words made her fall again. She couldn’t tell whether she loved Ji Jing or Qin Liang.
She still hurt Ji Jing thoroughly.
During the days when she took care of Ji Jing in the hospital, she saw the once energetic Ji Jing now looking haggard.
She knew that it was all too late.
After Ji Jing left, Luo Zhen didn’t have the heart to go to work anymore.
She always squatted in Feng Yi’s studio, constantly drawing pictures of cacti.
Soon it was Qin Xiaoming’s birthday, and that tall and elegant woman came again.
Only this time, all three of them came.
Luo Zhen was disheveled, with paint all over her face. Qin Liang didn’t recognize her at all.
Qin Xiaoming was playing with the broken teddy bear that belonged to her daughter, looking disgusted.
“Who would like such an ugly thing? With such bad taste, it’s better to be dead.”
This sentence completely enraged Luo Zhen. That was the thing her daughter loved the most when she was alive!
She picked up the paint bucket and splashed it all over their faces.
She took out a sharp knife from behind and stabbed Qin Liang fiercely.
She was so furious that she stabbed Qin Liang’s chest again and again mechanically until he stopped breathing.
She had been waiting for this day for too long.
Qin Liang’s girlfriend had already been scared out of her wits and disappeared. Qin Xiaoming was so scared that he went crazy, running around like a headless chicken and rushed straight onto the road, getting run over by a big truck.
They were all dead. Everyone was dead.
Luo Zhen smiled with satisfaction and stabbed the sharp knife hard into her own heart.
“Ji Jing, now, you should forgive me, right.”
(The End)
