The man I loved was a non – marriage – minded person. He hated being tied down.
I had made up my mind to accompany him without getting married for a lifetime. But I never expected that one day, he would pull a gentle and beautiful girl to me and say that he was going to’shore up’.
1
I couldn’t count how many times this was. The first time was on Qin Lang’s 23 – year – old birthday. I was sober, while Qin Lang seemed to be extremely drunk. That time… it wasn’t a good experience.
Qin Lang always liked to hold me tightly and sleep after that.
But today, after it was over, Qin Lang sat up and lit a cigarette against the bedside.
I reached out to snatch the cigarette from Qin Lang’s hand.
“Don’t smoke in my bedroom,” I said.
Qin Lang actually had a rather bad temper, but he rarely showed it in front of me.
If someone else snatched his cigarette like this, he would surely get angry.
But in front of me, he always let me do as I pleased.
Many people said that although we didn’t establish a boyfriend – girlfriend relationship and Qin Lang was a non – marriage – minded person, perhaps I was the only one who could truly enter his heart.
I never dared to think deeply about these words, for fear that in the end, it would all be in vain.
I got out of bed naked, ready to extinguish the cigarette and throw it into the trash can.
“Jian Yan,” Qin Lang rarely called me by my full name in such a solemn tone.
I stopped in my tracks, the cigarette in my hand burning.
“What’s wrong?”
His eyes were hidden in the dim light, dark and heavy.
“Today is the last time. Let’s not make such an appointment anymore in the future.”
My heart skipped a beat.
But I still maintained a smile on my face.
“What, didn’t I serve you well just now?”
“No.”
Qin Lang tidied up the few strands of broken hair on his forehead that were wet with sweat.
“I’m going to get married.”
It was like a heavy stick hitting the back of my head. My hand trembled, and the cigarette butt fell on my foot, causing a sharp pain like a needle prick.
“What a grown – up person, you can even get burned while throwing a cigarette?”
Qin Lang’s face didn’t look good.
He came over in a few steps, picked me up, and placed me on the bed. Then he turned around and rummaged through my drawer for burn ointment.
Watching Qin Lang moving around my room familiarly, I even felt that what he said just now was like a dream.
“Master Qin, turning over a new leaf?”
Qin Lang bent down to wipe the ointment on me. His movements were very careful, but it still hurt like hell.
“Aren’t you a non – marriage – minded person?”
He just kept wiping the ointment on me without replying.
“Do you love her? Qin Lang?”
After Qin Lang finished applying the medicine, he finally looked up. He knelt on one knee on the floor. This posture was very much like what I had always dreamed of – a marriage proposal.
“Yes.”
The string that had been tense in my mind since just now suddenly snapped. For a short moment, my mind went blank.
“How rare.”
I tried to find my voice.
“Master Qin also has a time to say the word ‘love’.”
In the years following Qin Lang, I had long since learned the ability to appear calm on the surface while being in turmoil inside.
Qin Lang silently packed his things.
I looked at the instep where the ointment was applied. I didn’t know if it was because my heart was too painful or the ointment was effective, but I didn’t feel anything at all.
Suddenly, I felt extremely sad. I pulled his neck, leaned close to Qin Lang, and smiled, “I love you very much too. How about you stop being with her? If you want to get married, I’ll marry you. What do you think?”
Qin Lang looked at me like this for half a minute without making a sound.
When he spoke again, there was a coldness in the corners of his eyes and brows.
“What are you thinking? Jian Yan.”
After a long silence, he spoke again.
“We’ve been sleeping together for three years and known each other for ten years. If I wanted to marry you, I would have done it long ago.”
Look, knowing it in my heart is one thing, but having it confirmed by others is another.
It was like a loud slap in the face.
The strength in my hand suddenly loosened involuntarily.
“I’m just kidding.”
I smiled and stroked my hair.
“There are so many men in the world. If Master Qin wants to’shore up’, go ahead. I’m willing to drown in the water. There are plenty of people who want to get into the water.”
Suddenly, my chin was lifted by Qin Lang’s slender fingers. He squinted his long and narrow eyes and looked up at me.
“You’re quite straightforward.”
Qin Lang said and came to kiss the corner of my lips.
I was actually a little reluctant to let go of this Qin Lang who was still by my side for a short time.
“Have you slept with her?” I suddenly stopped and asked him.
Qin Lang didn’t seem to like me asking such questions, and the fire in his eyes gradually went out.
But he still answered me.
“No, we’re not married yet. I won’t touch her.”
Look, Qin Lang is so clear – headed. He knows everything better than anyone else.
Who I am and who she is, he is crystal clear in his heart, making a clear distinction.
Qin Lang doesn’t belong to me, and Qin Lang’s love doesn’t belong to me either.
For the first time in three years, Qin Lang didn’t stay overnight after coming here.
I didn’t know if it was the sound of the door or the thunder, but that sound was extremely amplified in my eardrums, making my nerves tremble.
It hadn’t rained outside yet, but my eyes were already filled with tears.
I was like a puppet that had lost its strings, stunned and not knowing what to do, for this departure of Qin Lang that I had long known but still felt caught off – guard.
2
It was Lin Ting’s birthday, three days after I broke up with Qin Lang.
We were all from the same circle and had been playing together since high school. Lin Ting had just returned from abroad, so everyone came, partly to welcome him back and partly to celebrate his birthday.
I knew Qin Lang would come.
I missed him so much that I couldn’t help it.
Even if I could just see him once, I thought, it would be like quenching my thirst with poison.
I hadn’t seen Lin Ting for a long time. He no longer seemed to be the young lad he was three years ago. He was more unrestrained and steady.
“Long time no see, Lin Ting.”
Lin Ting turned around upon hearing my voice, slowly put down the champagne in his hand, and his eyes were as dark as ink.
“Long time no see. How have you been these days?”
Lin Ting was Qin Lang’s nephew, with a generation gap. But in fact, they were only one year apart in age. At that time, I was always around Qin Lang, and he was always calling ‘Uncle’ and always hanging out with us.
Lin Ting was also two months younger than me.
But he never called me anything else, just ‘Yan Yan’ all the time. Qin Lang even thought he was lacking in seniority because of this.
“I’ve been having a great time.”
I reached out and handed him a new glass of champagne.
“Studying abroad has made you handsome.”
I had a very good relationship with Lin Ting.
Lin Ting smiled and was about to speak when he was drowned out by the sudden noise in the private room.
“Damn, Qin Lang, Qin Lang is here.”
“Master Qin…”
“Who’s this? Qin Lang.”
“Damn, really, Qin Lang, you brought someone?”
I suddenly stopped my movements.
I looked towards the door.
Qin Lang and his girl were standing there, their fingers intertwined.
Stubbornly, I still thought his eyebrows and eyes were breathtaking. If it weren’t for the person next to him, I still felt that the night a few days ago was just a dream. At night, I could still feel Qin Lang’s heartbeat and temperature.
But –
She was a girl with fair skin and vivid eyebrows and eyes. Her temperament was very gentle and clean.
When Qin Lang’s gaze came over, I, like a clown, hurriedly closed my eyes and took a big gulp of champagne.
It was so dazzling. I wasn’t talking about the lights.
“Let me introduce you all. This is my fiancée, Tan Se.”
My heart suddenly dropped and shattered into pieces.
Qin Lang and the person he brought sat opposite me and Lin Ting.
Most people were cheering.
Many people praised Qin Lang’s fiancée for being beautiful, cute, gentle, and quiet.
These words had nothing to do with me. Hearing them in my ears was more like a naked mockery. I tried hard to tell myself it was nothing and pretended to be relaxed.
“Congratulations, Qin Lang. Your girlfriend is so beautiful.”
I was the first to raise my glass to Qin Lang under the gaze of several friends.
Qin Lang stared into my eyes for a moment.
He raised his glass.
“Thank you.”
“This is Jian Yan, our friend. She’s two years older than you.”
He turned his head and said to the person beside him.
“Sister Jian Yan.”
Tan Se smiled sweetly.
“I often hear Aaron talk about you. I’ve been thinking that if I have the chance, I’d like to meet you and ask you to be my bridesmaid. I don’t have many friends in Lincheng, so I can only poach people from Aaron’s side.”
I tried my best to hold the glass tightly so as not to lose my composure in front of so many people.
I looked at Qin Lang, my heart in great pain, but still very proper on the surface.
“Do you really want me to go? Master Qin?”
I pretended to be joking.
“If I go this time, it will be my third time. I have to get married then.”
Qin Lang didn’t say anything.
“Aaron~”
Tan Se shook his arm, speaking in a soft voice.
Qin Lang looked at me with a smile in his eyes.
“For so many years as friends, do me a favor, Jian Yan.”
My feet wobbled. I didn’t know if it was because I stepped on the heel of my high – heeled shoes wrong or something. Lin Ting helped me to barely steady myself.
Enduring the turmoil in my heart, I smiled on my face.
“Look, Master Qin’s request scared me.”
Except for my two sisters who knew the truth, everyone else was laughing.
“Okay.”
I looked straight into Qin Lang’s eyes.
“Since you’ve asked, of course I’ll go.”
How could I refuse you, Qin Lang? I love you so much. As long as it’s from you, whether it’s a knife or honey, I’ll take it all.
After a few rounds of drinking, everyone was happy. Tan Se was not only harmless – looking but also spoke in a smooth and proper way. Before getting off the table, she had already mingled with everyone.
Someone suggested playing truth or dare, and with so many people, it was lively, so we started playing.
The first draw landed on Tan Se.
Tan Se was a little surprised and buried herself in Qin Lang’s arms.
“Aaron, I really should have bought a lottery ticket today.”
Qin Lang gently stroked her head, with a smile in his eyes.
“Don’t make things difficult for my wife.”
My heart felt like it was being pricked by a needle as I watched Qin Lang protect her in his arms.
Tan Se chose truth.
“Sese, have you and Qin Lang… done that?”
3
A friend asked first.
“Ah…”
Tan Se kept burrowing into Qin Lang’s arms. Everyone around was urging for an answer, while I just tightly dug my fingernails into my palm.
How should I describe this feeling? It was like scratching my heart and liver. I wanted to hear the answer, but I was also afraid to hear it.
“Shameless.”
Qin Lang teasingly threw a wine bottle over.
“Have you or haven’t you?”
Most people were cheering and goading on.
“Sese is not that kind of casual person.”
Qin Lang made a final decision.
The champagne suddenly slipped out of my hand, and the crisp sound of shattering attracted a lot of attention.
One of the gazes was intense. I knew it was Qin Lang.
“Look, I’m so excited to hear the gossip that I can’t even hold the glass.”
I lowered my head to pick up the broken glass. Lin Ting reached out to stop me, but it was a step too late.
Watching the blood beads keep emerging and feeling the stinging pain from the fingertips, I actually felt a sense of relief.
“You guys continue playing. I’ll take Yan Yan to bandage her wound.”
Lin Ting pulled me out.
I was a little dazed by Lin Ting’s sudden nervousness. I could only feel that the hand he was holding mine with was hot.
“Yo, look how nervous Lin Ting is.”
At this moment, almost everyone in the room looked over.
“Lin Ting, it’s just a little scratch. Don’t make a fuss.”
I was a little embarrassed and pulled him back to sit down.
“It’s bleeding. Come with me to get it bandaged.”
Lin Ting was very strong. I struggled, but it was in vain and was dragged away.
When passing by Qin Lang, I saw that Qin Lang was also looking over. For some reason, his eyes were a little cold.
When I looked again, I only saw him reaching out to stroke Tan Se’s hair.
Maybe it was the alcohol taking effect? I thought.
Lin Ting dragged me out and went straight to the front desk. He took the first – aid kit and silently treated my wound.
“Hey, you really don’t need to make a fuss. It’s just a little blood.”
“Have you been happy these three years? Yan Yan?”
Lin Ting stopped his movements and suddenly looked up at me.
I didn’t know how to answer, so I just smiled.
“Eat well and drink well. What’s not to be happy about? But you, don’t they all like to eat lettuce abroad? How come it makes you more… mature?”
“You can’t lie to me, Yan Yan.”
Lin Ting’s few short words made me suddenly hold my breath.
Yes, I used to ask Lin Ting a lot to get news about Qin Lang from him.
Among these people, Lin Ting knew best that I loved Qin Lang.
“You can’t hide it from anyone, let alone me, Yan Yan.”
Lin Ting’s slender hands put away the medicine box.
“Let’s go back.”
Being seen through my thoughts, I felt a little embarrassed.
“I know you’re sad. We’ve been playing together for so many years. You don’t have to pretend to be strong in front of me. Don’t you remember that when my uncle was in a relationship, you cried in my arms for several days?”
Lin Ting suddenly hugged my head. This posture of comfort and pity was too obvious.
My nose suddenly felt a little sour.
“Cry. It will make you feel better.”
Lin Ting’s warm big hand patted my back, and those feelings of bitterness, sadness, and pain that I had desperately suppressed all rushed out.
I let my tears flow more fiercely.
After about a few minutes, my emotions gradually calmed down. At this time, I suddenly heard a familiar voice.
“Aaron, they’re here.”
Like a conditioned reflex, I suddenly raised my head and looked at Qin Lang, as if I had done something wrong.
Qin Lang just glanced at me indifferently and snorted.
“After you’re done, go back quickly. Everyone is waiting.”
I quickly sat up straight and distanced myself from Lin Ting. However, the hand Qin Lang had around Tan Se’s waist stabbed painfully at my eyes.
“Ah, Aaron, let them stay a little longer.”
Tan Se said coquettishly, “Sorry, Yan Yan, to disturb you two.”
Did she misunderstand me and Lin Ting? Well, most people might misunderstand. But in fact, Lin Ting and I were too familiar. He was like a younger brother to me.
Qin Lang’s face still didn’t look good. He glanced at me and then left with Tan Se in his arms.
When Lin Ting and I returned to the private room, Lin Ting’s brother started to make a commotion. He was the one who played best with Lin Ting.
“Yo, Ah Ting and Jian Yan are back. Just in time, let them play a dare and kiss.”
I was stunned.
I widened my eyes and looked at Lin Ting.
“Don’t mind them. They’re just making a ruckus.”
Lin Ting managed to calm them down with some difficulty.
The game continued. Unexpectedly, the next round turned to me.
This time, the place exploded even more.
“Kiss, kiss.”
“Kiss.”
I was a little at a loss, but subconsciously, I still wanted to see Qin Lang’s reaction.
Qin Lang, would he react?
He didn’t.
He was whispering something to Tan Se. They were so happy, whispering intimately, as if they couldn’t hear what was happening around them.
I shifted my eyes to Lin Ting. At this moment, Lin Ting was also looking at me.
The heckling sounds around grew louder and louder. In the next instant, as if by prior agreement, Lin Ting and I turned our heads simultaneously.
I don’t know who pushed us from behind, and our lips touched without any warning.
The private room suddenly boiled over.
I didn’t feel much, but I saw Lin Ting’s ears turn red.
He’s really a kid, I thought.
“Aaron, you’re pinching me.”
Tan Se’s coquettish laughter should have been drowned out in the hubbub but somehow it clearly reached my ears. I suddenly felt that this party was completely uninteresting. I left not long after sitting down. Lin Ting was the host and couldn’t follow me out. Right after I went out, I received a message from him.
“Sorry, Yan Yan. My friends were a bit out of line.”
“It’s okay.” I quickly typed back a few words. “We’re so close, don’t worry about it.”
As I was walking, when I reached the stairwell corner, a big hand suddenly pulled me over. My heart jumped to my throat. When I took a closer look, I found it was Qin Lang. Before speaking, I first pulled my hand out of Qin Lang’s. Thinking about his entanglement with Tan Se, I felt extremely disgusted.
Qin Lang seemed dissatisfied with my action. “We’ve slept together so many times and I never saw you being disgusted. What, now that you’ve found a new love, you can’t wait to distance yourself from me?”
“”Sese is not a casual girl.”” These words that Qin Lang used to describe Sese suddenly popped up in my mind.
Yes, she’s not a casual girl. She’s pure and noble.
And me, it seems it doesn’t matter how many times I sleep with him.
My heart was wrung with pain, and my eyes couldn’t help but turn red. I said in a trembling voice, “Qin Lang, what have you taken me for all these years?”
Qin Lang seemed a bit disdainful. He let go of my hand, and there was a hint of mockery at the corner of his lips. “You should know very well what you are. Lin Ting is back, and he’s your new chance. I can see you’re quite happy.”
“Slap!” The hand that I used to hit Qin Lang was still trembling.
Qin Lang seemed to be taken aback. He turned his head and stared at me fiercely. His gaze seemed to burn me.
But I was even angrier than Qin Lang, so angry that I could hardly breathe. “You have no heart, Qin Lang.” I almost forced these words out from my chest, as if they were dripping with blood.
Qin Lang just kept the position where I hit him and looked at me sideways. After a moment, he actually laughed. “What kind of good person do you think you are? We’re about the same. Don’t flatter yourself, Jian Yan. I just came to tell you, don’t get your hands on Lin Ting. Having two people with that kind of relationship in one family, you might not feel embarrassed, but I do.”
It was as if a hand had reached into my chest and grabbed my heart. The pain was overwhelming.
“The words are said. Get lost.”
Qin Lang’s words were really hurtful. His tenderness and cruelty were both so unreserved. And I never had a chance to fight back in front of him.
I walked around Qin Lang in a hurry, wearing high – heeled shoes. When I reached the next floor of the stairs, I suddenly stopped. I turned back, looked at this man I loved deeply, and said seriously, “I wish you and your innocent Sese a long life together. Qin Lang, the only thing I ask is that you never think of me, at any time.”
I couldn’t see Qin Lang’s expression clearly. I only heard his distant and cold voice floating into my ears along with the sound of a lighter being lit. “You think too highly of yourself, Jian Yan.”
4
After that day, I never saw Qin Lang again. I thought that since we had a falling – out, it was probably completely over.
Until one afternoon, I suddenly received a message from Qin Lang.
“”There’s still a key at my place. Come to the coffee shop downstairs to get it.””
My heart skipped a beat. Subconsciously, I directly replied with a “Okay”. After replying, looking at the phone screen, I thought I was ridiculously stupid. The first thing I felt was actually happiness because I could see him.
But I didn’t expect to see Tan Se in the coffee shop. My heart sank heavily.
“This is your key.” Tan Se broke the silence.
I was a bit at a loss and didn’t know what to say.
“I know about your relationship with Qin Lang. I heard everything you said in the stairwell that day.”
Taking a deep breath, I finally looked up at Tan Se. “We’ve already broken up. You don’t need to worry.”
“I know.” Tan Se didn’t seem as gentle as that day. “This key was given to me by Aaron. He asked me to return it to you instead of coming to you himself, which already says everything. I just hope you don’t have any more delusions, Jian Yan.”
I clenched the key in my palm so tightly that it hurt, but it still couldn’t compare to the pain in my heart.
Qin Lang had put me in such a situation. I was seen as shameless and persistent, while Tan Se, pure and noble, came to warn me not to have any delusions.
I felt like there was a fishbone stuck in my throat. I couldn’t say a word for a long time.
Tan Se slowly took a sip of coffee and laughed. “Men always know clearly that the women they play with outside and the ones they want to marry are two different things. Even if you keep pestering him, it’s meaningless.”
“She’s not pestering. Instead of wasting your time saying these things, you’d better go back and keep an eye on Qin Lang.”
I looked up at the sound and found Lin Ting standing beside our table.
“Lin Ting, why are you…” Before I could finish, Lin Ting grabbed my hand.
“Take care of your own man. Don’t let me know that you come to trouble her again. Otherwise, even if Qin Lang likes you, I have a thousand ways to keep you out of the Qin family.”
Tan Se’s face turned ugly. She immediately threw the cup on the table.
Lin Ting didn’t pay any more attention to her. He pulled my hand and walked out of the coffee shop.
“Why are you here?” Lin Ting seemed even angrier than me. He just kept walking forward.
I stopped and pulled hard, only then did I manage to make him turn around.
“You don’t need to be this angry.” I forced a smile. “I’m fine.”
Lin Ting seemed to want to say something but stopped.
“I’m really okay. I’m fine, really. I just… I just… I…”
“Yan Yan…” Lin Ting wiped my tears in a bit of a panic.
I tried hard to control myself, but I felt that I couldn’t stop the tears. They were like a runaway wild horse, like beads with a broken string, just like my love for Qin Lang, endless and out of control.
I tightly grabbed the clothes over my heart. My mind was full of the scenes of me and Qin Lang in bed. When Qin Lang was moving up and down, he said, “Jian Yan, stay with me. Just stay with me like this.”
At that time, my heart also rose and fell with his words.
The beginning of my relationship with Qin Lang was unbearable.
Three years ago, Qin Lang had a girlfriend. I had a big fight with Qin Lang. At that time, although I loved Qin Lang, I still had the courage to end it.
Lin Ting and I were originally going to study abroad together. But the night before, Qin Lang, drunk, dragged me onto the bed. I cried and shouted. I said, “Qin Lang, you already have a girlfriend.”
Qin Lang made a phone call and broke up unilaterally.
I had never seen him like that before. He seemed determined.
I cried and fought, but Qin Lang still succeeded.
I think my biggest mistake was to give in to him. I let him start these chaotic three years.
That night was the first time Qin Lang asked me to stay with him.
Early the next morning, I was sitting on the hotel bed, in a mess. Qin Lang was rustling to put on his clothes.
His girlfriend, who had been broken up with, burst in and cried, asking Qin Lang why he broke up with her.
She pointed at me, naked with hickeys all over my body, and asked Qin Lang if he loved me.
I will always remember. One moment, I had just made up my mind to be with Qin Lang forever. The next moment, Qin Lang’s two words “I don’t” made my determination completely a joke.
What did Qin Lang say?
I don’t love you, nor do I love her.
Qin Lang left gracefully. Only that girl, who was also abandoned, cried and asked me if I had any shame.
I slapped myself.
But the words “I’m sorry” got stuck in my throat.
I hated myself. I hated myself for not being able to refuse Qin Lang. I hated myself for taking his words “stay with me” as the gospel. And I also hated that even so, I still couldn’t get an “I love you” from Qin Lang.
So after that, I never mentioned love in front of Qin Lang again.
Qin Lang was cynical, so I was also cynical. Qin Lang was unrestrained, so I regarded everything as fleeting.
As long as I became more cold – hearted and ruthless than Qin Lang, would Qin Lang be afraid?
But today, the story repeated itself. Someone told me not to pester Qin Lang again.
I felt extremely wronged.
Qin Lang belonged to her, to her, to countless others, but not to me.
You see, after another three years, Qin Lang and I eventually became strangers.
I just chilled my own heart.
5
The autumn weather seemed too cold.
I cried outside for a long time. Lin Ting sent me home. I fell asleep drowsily, feeling hot and cold. In my dream, the entanglements between me and Qin Lang over the years flashed by like a fleeting scene.
At a certain moment, those tender and affectionate moments, those voices and smiles, all turned into sharp knives with barbs. They mercilessly pierced my chest, passed through my ribs, and deeply penetrated my heart. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t breathe. I suddenly opened my eyes, sat up, and was covered in sweat.
There was a familiar smell beside me. I turned my head.
Qin Lang was hidden in the moonlight, quietly sitting by my bedside, exhaling one cigarette ring after another.
I didn’t know how he got in.
In the moonlight, I saw that Qin Lang’s face was bruised.
“Awake?” Qin Lang’s voice, soaked with nicotine, was a bit hoarse.
I didn’t say anything, just quietly looked at him.
“Lin Ting hit me.” He smiled thoughtfully and said to himself. “This kid has grown up. Three years ago, he could only run away to the US in a sorry state. Now he even dares to fight with me.”
I still didn’t answer Qin Lang.
“You were calling my name in your dream just now, asking me to let you go.”
Qin Lang had a smile on his lips, and the spark of the cigarette butt between his fingers was extinguished.
“Lin Ting also said I was bullying you. He likes you so much that he felt sympathetic for you.
The man still smiled. “You know, he liked you three years ago. If it wasn’t for seeing us in the same bed, he wouldn’t have fled to the US overnight. Now that he’s back, he can stand up for you.”
The quilt in front of my chest had been soaked by the tears that had dripped down. I just looked at Qin Lang until my vision was gradually blurred by the tears, until I couldn’t help but sob violently, and my chest felt suffocated.
The person next to me actually laughed and reached out to wipe the tears on my face.
The temperature of his hand was as gentle as his tone of voice, but I couldn’t feel any warmth. “You see, you’re crying like this. You also think I’m bullying you, right?”
I looked up. He was so close, his eyebrows and eyes were breathtaking, his jaw was angular, but… he was too cold – hearted.
“But it was you who wanted to love me, Jian Yan.” Qin Lang’s tone suddenly changed. The gentleness was gone. My dream came true, but he inserted a sharp knife into my chest.
I finally couldn’t help but burst into tears.
I tightly grabbed his messy collar, making the last struggle before dying.
“Why are you treating me like this? Qin Lang? I just love you. Am I really so damned? Why? Why do you treat me like this?”
“Just because you love me.” Qin Lang smiled indifferently. “You shouldn’t have loved me, Jian Yan. You shouldn’t have provoked me again and again. For someone like me, love is worthless. Do you know that? Since I can remember, my dad brought different people home every day, and my mom didn’t come home until dawn after going out to play. You should never have come to love me, Jian Yan. Don’t say I don’t let you go. You should have left me after that night three years ago. It was you who insisted on staying by my side, Jian Yan.”
I was already sobbing uncontrollably, but he kept gently wiping my tears.
“You love me too much, but I have everything except the ability to love. If you ask me for love, it’s better to ask for my life. My dad and mom also said they love me, and everyone they brought home also used love as an excuse. But love is just a vain thing, useless, isn’t it?”
I couldn’t hold his clothes any tighter. I had difficulty breathing. I used all my strength in my hands, but Qin Lang started to break my fingers one by one. My urgent voice and rapid breathing mixed into a hysterical and rough voice.
“But I love you. But I… love you. I… love you. Love is not worthless… It’s not…”
I was talking incoherently, but Qin Lang was expressionless, and his actions were unrelenting.
“I admit I was attracted to you, but I will never love you, Jian Yan. You dreaming of me loving you is just a pipe dream.”
I struggled desperately, in a sorry state, while Qin Lang calmly shook off my hand.
In the end, my hand was still forced to leave Qin Lang’s collar.
It was as if he had brutally ripped my heart out. A sudden sense of emptiness rushed over me, and every nerve in my body was seething with rage.
Qin Lang left.
I fell off the bed, then got up and ran after Qin Lang barefoot. The sand and stones stung my feet, while Qin Lang, wearing his expensive leather shoes, walked forward briskly and gracefully.
“I love you, I love you, Qin Lang… I love you… I love you…”
“Qin Lang, I love you… I love you…”
“Qin Lang… I love you…”
In the middle of the night, with the cold air rising, I didn’t feel tired. I just wanted to be faster, to catch up with him, to hold him tightly. Even if I gave up everything, I wanted him to sink with me forever.
After running more than a hundred meters, I was just one step, one tiny bit away from catching Qin Lang.
But I suddenly fell.
Watching him getting closer and then farther away, without any pause.
As if all my strength was drained, I suddenly went limp, sobbed uncontrollably, but still tirelessly used the limit of my vocal cords, whimpering the word “love”, not willing to stop, as if giving the last eulogy to this relationship.
A few steps away, Qin Lang suddenly stopped.
He didn’t turn back. Only the moonlight made his side face look even colder and more aloof. His voice, together with the bone – chilling cold of the October night, penetrated my warm eardrums.
“Jian Yan, for me, the world is already chaotic. Love and sin are the same. So don’t waste your efforts. I don’t want to sin, and I don’t want to go to hell.”
I suddenly seemed to lose all other senses. I could only see the figure in front of me gradually blurring as it walked away.
He continued to move forward, stepping over the corpse of our relationship, without any hesitation or mercy.
And that figure finally converged into a dot, a dot that couldn’t be smaller. Then, I fell into boundless darkness.
We were hysterical for love, but in the end, we all became ugly and sorry – looking ghosts.
6
Later, I couldn’t remember what happened that day.
When I woke up again, it was Lin Ting guarding by my bedside.
The sunlight came in through the gap in the curtains. I felt that the whole world was silent.
Only the stinging pain in my palms and soles reminded me that this was not hell, but still the world.
These short three days seemed like a long separation from the world. I thought of Qin Lang again, and his words that the world is chaotic and love and sin are just the same. I don’t know why, but I found it funny and laughed out loud.
Lin Ting woke up upon hearing this.
“Yan Yan…” His voice was hoarse and tired, but I didn’t have the extra energy to feel sorry for him.
“When is Qin Lang getting married?” I asked him with a smile.
Lin Ting froze in place, looking at me motionless.
I continued to smile. Although the corners of my mouth pulled at my heart, I couldn’t control it.
“When?”
“A month later.”
A month later, the cold winter arrived. I had just had a minor operation and was still weak. But I still put on a very delicate makeup and went to this funeral of love, oh no, wedding.
I couldn’t lose face for Qin Lang, I thought.
I don’t know if it was because people are in high spirits when they’re happy, or because he was about to leave me, but I thought Qin Lang was incredibly handsome today.
I wanted to engrave his eyebrows and eyes in my mind, but it was all in vain.
I walked up to Qin Lang with a champagne glass in my hand, smiling as usual. This reminded me of the first time I met Qin Lang. It was also such an occasion, my birthday party. A friend dragged him over. Qin Lang raised his glass and said, “Hello, Jian Yan. Happy birthday.”
Who knew if he was willing to come to my birthday party at that time?
Now the roles had changed, and I became the one to toast.
“Hello, Qin Lang. Happy wedding.” I said.
Qin Lang smiled calmly.
It was as if we had never been entangled day and night, as if we had never tried our best to separate, as if we were still at the first meeting at my birthday party.
He clinked glasses with me but didn’t say a word.
The next time I heard his voice was when he said “I do”.
I would have said “I do” too, Qin Lang. I thought silently in my heart. I had once been by your side without a name or status, when you were sick, when you were down, whenever you needed me, unwavering, willing, and even happy about it. I was willing. Because I love you, Qin Lang.
The bell rang, and there was thunderous applause in the ceremony hall. This affair came to an end, buried in the laughter and joy of the guests. But Qin Lang, I still wanted to say the words I had never said before. Although the world is chaotic, only love is the redemption of sin.
**Extra Story**
I fell in love with someone, and I owed someone, but I would never have the chance to make up for it. – Qin Lang
On the wedding night, I had a dream. I dreamed of a little child, as cute as a carved jade figurine, calling me “Dad”. As everyone knows, I don’t care about kids. But in the dream, I couldn’t help but hold her little hand, wanting to hug her, to kiss her.
I woke up suddenly from the dream, sweating all over. It turned out that Tan Se had put her arm around my neck. A wave of boredom, I don’t know where it came from, swept over me. I got up and went to the balcony, lit a cigarette against the wind.
I suddenly thought of Jian Yan. It was so sudden that I felt at a loss when I realized it. It shouldn’t be like this, I thought. When she was around, I didn’t feel much. After she left, it seemed like it didn’t matter much either.
I smoked most of a cigarette in the wind. Until the spark of the cigarette butt touched the skin of my finger, bringing a stinging pain, then I suddenly woke up. I had been thinking about Jian Yan all along.
It was two o’clock in the morning. My memory finally fixed on Jian Yan raising her glass to me today, saying “Happy wedding”. She said, “Hello, Qin Lang. Happy wedding.”
I suddenly remembered the first time I saw Jian Yan. She was standing in the bustling crowd. Her face was outstanding, but I noticed her wine – red dress first. Red is passionate, but I hate it. I don’t just hate red, I hate passion even more. I saw with my own eyes my dad getting together with his secretary, impatiently, and he told me they were just passionately in love. Love? Passion? Isn’t it absurd and ridiculous?
That day, I was brought over by her friend. But I really hated her dress so much that I pulled a long face and said stiffly, “Hello, Jian Yan. Happy birthday.” I thought this was the end, but I didn’t expect it was just the beginning.
Today she said the same words to me, and I didn’t reply because I didn’t know how to. Thank you? I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t say it.
“What are you thinking about?” A sudden voice broke my train of thought. Tan Se came from behind and hugged my waist. I flicked the ash off my fingertips. Then I suddenly picked her up and carried her to the bed in the room. I needed to prove something.
After Tan Se was thrown onto the bed, her hands immediately wrapped around me. I closed my eyes and eagerly kissed her neck.
“Aaron.” She called out softly.
It was like a heavy hammer hitting my nerves. I stopped my movements and got up from her in a hurry.
“You go to sleep first.” I left these words to Tan Se and went out the door.
It shouldn’t be like this, I thought. My hand holding the cigarette was a little trembling. It took me several tries to light it. Feeling the nicotine rapidly flowing from my nostrils to my lungs, bringing a burst of pleasure, I let out a long breath.
Don’t take it too seriously, Qin Lang. I told myself. She’s just a casual lover. It’s normal to get used to her after sleeping together for three years.
I really hadn’t touched Tan Se. My family urged me to get married. She and I were just tools for a marriage of convenience, each from a well – matched family. We each got what we wanted and played our own games. This was an unspoken rule in the wealthy families. I gave her enough face outside, and she dealt with my family. This was what we had discussed long ago.
Shore up? Does a scoundrel like me deserve that?
That night, I finished a whole pack of cigarettes. Before dawn, I went back to bed and fell into a deep sleep, without dreaming again.
The next time I thought of Jian Yan was a week later when I was accompanying Tan Se to look at wedding dresses. She picked a red mermaid – style dress.
“It doesn’t look good. Change it.” I said with a cold face.
Tan Se was a little at a loss. “What’s wrong, Aaron?”
“It doesn’t look good on you.” I lit a cigarette. Recently, my smoking addiction had been getting stronger. I don’t know why, but I found it hard to control.
“But I think it’s nice…”
“I don’t think it looks good.”
Suddenly, I was seized by intense restlessness. It was as if something was coiling around my chest, ready to erupt at any moment, and the oppression was stifling.
I snuffed out the cigarette. This was the fifth one I’d smoked.
Tan Se finally changed into another dress, but I became more and more irritable. Until I drove to the downstairs of Jian Yan’s house.
I had gone up to that house countless times in three years. There was never a time when the lights were off. But today, it was hidden in the night, with no light at all.
I smiled silently and smoked another cigarette. When I turned around, I seemed to hear Jian Yan shouting “I love you” hysterically again. I suddenly turned my head and found that there was nothing but my own long shadow under the streetlight.
To be honest, I was really thinking about her. I looked up at the dark window and laughed even more. What the hell is all this?
I got married, and she wouldn’t have any more entanglements with me. She grasped this measure very well. So although I could still play outside, I didn’t want to get entangled with Jian Yan anymore. She’s just a casual lover, I thought. She’s really insignificant.
There were several gatherings in the circle, big and small, but I never saw Jian Yan again. I told her to get lost, and she really left quite simply.
Sometimes I would think of Jian Yan, and recently this happened more and more often. When I found that my longing for Jian Yan couldn’t be suppressed even by alcohol and cigarettes, I realized that something might be wrong.
I kept denying, doubting, then denying and doubting again, until I could no longer deny it. I missed her.
Once a casual lover relationship is broken, it’s over. This is the rule in the circle. But when I appeared outside Jian Yan’s house again, I also sincerely doubted that I was really a scoundrel.
But I just wanted to see her once. I wanted to see if this growing emptiness and longing, this feeling of scratching my heart, was just a whim or had been there for a long time.
I knocked on the door three times, but no one answered. After several rounds of knocking, the neighbor across the door opened.
“No one has lived here for a long time. A young girl moved out a month ago.”
I suddenly narrowed my eyes, and my voice tightened. “What did you say?”
“No one lives here. A young girl, she moved away long ago.”
The sound of the door closing suddenly amplified in my ears. I licked my back teeth, feeling my heart sink to the bottom. Then an indescribable anger instantly filled my whole body.
Very good, you’re really good, Jian Yan.
I asked all the friends I knew, but not a single one knew Jian Yan’s whereabouts. Finally, I went to Lin Ting.
At that time, Lin Ting was packing things in his villa. As if I suddenly understood something, the urgency and panic in my heart gradually subsided.
“Did you send Jian Yan away? What, are you going to live together?”
Lin Ting smiled faintly, looked up, and asked me. “What does it have to do with you?”
Indeed, it had nothing to do with me at all, but I just felt angry for no reason, and it was out of control.
This was the second time I fought with Lin Ting. The last time was before my wedding. Lin Ting came to question me why I let Tan Se insult Jian Yan.
I laughed. What did I say at that time?
“What does it have to do with me?”
The Buddha said that every thought and action has a cause, and what we are suffering now is the result.
Both Lin Ting and I had bruises on our faces. Lin Ting refused to tell me Jian Yan’s whereabouts. It didn’t matter, I thought. Where could she escape to? As long as I followed Lin Ting, I would always find her. As long as I wanted to find her, she would appear in front of me.
Before leaving, I turned around. Lin Ting’s face was very pale, showing a kind of decadence I had never seen before. At that time, I didn’t know why.
I just thought of an old thing. Three years ago, when I was dating a girlfriend, Jian Yan had a big fight with me. This farce ended without a result, and I became the complete winner.
But when she came to say goodbye to me, I was also extremely irritable, like I had never been before. She was still playing hard – to – get, I thought. A person who is kind – hearted enough to let you go doesn’t make a big fuss.
So I might as well fulfill her and also fulfill some of my own baseless fantasies at certain times. She cried and shouted, but once I got close to her, I couldn’t help myself. I lost control to a point where I couldn’t even find a reason. I just wanted to do it, so I did. I even broke up with my girlfriend I had just started dating.
She thought I was drunk, and I also pretended to be drunk, having a reckless moment of pleasure.
Later, Jian Yan still surrendered. She fell asleep deeply, but I opened my eyes in the dark.
This shouldn’t be like this, Qin Lang. By the moonlight, I looked at her blushing face. What was this?
I was somehow driven to kiss her forehead. The moment my lips touched her forehead, I felt like I was electrocuted. I immediately backed away. I loathed myself like this.
Love is the most illusory thing. Just like what I’m doing now, it’s despicable and dirty.
I told myself in my heart that she was nothing but a persistent follower behind me. Look, she’s still playing hard – to – get, but she comes back as soon as I beckon.
There is no real love in this world. It’s just the false possessiveness and lust of humans at work.
So early the next morning, I said those words. I turned my back to her, but I could feel that her heart was broken into pieces at that moment.
Just right, Jian Yan. I thought this beginning was extremely unbearable and unexpected. You should know when to stop and cut your losses in time. So as to avoid my own contradictions.
But she didn’t.
You see, this woman is so ungrateful.
But since then, she seemed to have changed into a different person. I felt this person was extremely familiar. The originally vivid her was gradually being consumed and turned into another look.
Later, I found out that it was myself. In these three years, she became more and more like me, cold – hearted, ruthless, and heartless.
Even when I proposed to break up, she calmly said that she would rather drown in the sea, and there were plenty of people who wanted to get into the water.
At that time, I thought it was extremely boring. I couldn’t help but miss the old her, with vivid eyebrows and eyes, full of desires and emotions.
This couldn’t go on like this, I thought. But Jian Yan loved me so much that she couldn’t leave me, I thought.
Later, I realized how ridiculous the word “thought” was.
Lin Ting went abroad. Before leaving, he gave me a big gift.
The words on the paper were crowded together, but I could only clearly make out two words that stood out particularly: Abortion.
I couldn’t say what I felt. I just intuitively felt that all the blood in my body was solidifying inch by inch, my spine was stiff, my body temperature was losing, and a sharp and suffocating pain burst out three inches inside my chest.
The pain was so intense that I felt all the nerve endings in my body were spasming.
How dare she.
At a certain moment, all those indescribable pains turned into a towering anger.
I must question her face to face, I thought.
I sent people to inquire about Lin Ting’s whereabouts and took a plane to Philadelphia overnight. It was raining heavily in Philadelphia, a once – in – a – century downpour.
When I arrived at Lin Ting’s residence, I was already soaked. I frantically searched for Jian Yan’s presence in the room, but I couldn’t detect even the slightest bit.
My heart sank heavily. I grabbed Lin Ting’s collar and questioned him.
Lin Ting just looked at me coldly and then asked indifferently what I was going crazy for.
“Isn’t she with you?” I asked. “Where did you hide her?”
Lin Ting instead laughed. As he laughed, his eyes turned red.
I lost my strength in his gradually red eyes.
How could this be possible? How could Jian Yan leave my world without a word, leaving no trace at all? She didn’t tell anyone. Weren’t she and Lin Ting very close? Why didn’t she even tell Lin Ting?
“I will find her.” I said to Lin Ting viciously.
This shouldn’t be. She was never like this. She was so afraid of the cold. The October weather was so cold, and she chased me barefoot for hundreds of meters, still mumbling even when she fell. She loved me so much, it seemed that the world only had me left in her eyes. She cried so sadly, as if losing me meant losing everything.
She also said she would accompany me to get married. She kept saying she loved me.
She loved me so much.
So she loved me so much.
I stood in the pouring rain, suddenly feeling like I lost my strength and fell to the ground. The rain, mixed with the cold, poured down, cutting my nerves that were burning with deep longing for that person.
Then I got seriously ill. I always saw Jian Yan in my dreams, where the temperature was either too cold or too hot, and the scenes were hazy. She was alone, looking around, sometimes saying she couldn’t suppress her love for me, sometimes hating me to the bone, sometimes laughing and sometimes crying heart – rendingly. All these scenes repeatedly turned into one, asking me why I treated her like this, whether she was really so damned.
I woke up from the dream. It was two o’clock in the middle of the night. The quiet night set off my flustered heartbeat, lonely and desolate.
It was as if someone had kneaded, flattened, and repeatedly trampled my heart, and finally discarded it like a worthless thing, leaving it to become a piece of garbage.
So this is how painful it is. Being abandoned is so painful.
She was also abandoned by me without mercy.
No wonder she didn’t want me anymore.
How do we measure love? By the pain after separation.
Painful to the point of death, but still eager to repeat the same mistake.
So it’s both a sin and love.
Searching everywhere in the world, but time passed by.
The next time I saw Jian Yan was at Lin Ting’s birthday party three years later. I pushed open the door of Box 1982. Jian Yan was sitting in the middle, looking at me. At that moment, my heart was pounding so hard that it seemed to jump out of my chest, and all the blood in my body was surging. Before I could speak, I already felt my voice was hoarse.
“Master Qin, long time no see.” Her voice flowed over like water. I was at a loss, and my heart sank heavily.
It was too plain.
“This is my lover.” She introduced the person beside her to everyone with a smile. It wasn’t Lin Ting, but another gentle and refined man.
I was like being struck by lightning.
The longing and pain that had accumulated in those nights when I couldn’t find her in the past three years came rushing towards me, almost drowning me, making me feel like I was being suffocated to death.
She had a new family.
I was swept by endless loneliness, in so much pain that I wanted to drag her down to hell with me. But when I saw the relaxed and bright smile on her face, at that moment, I was completely defeated.
That smile was too dazzling and passionate, just like when we first met. She was in a red dress in the middle of the dance floor, smiling and nodding at me, saying, “Hello, Qin Lang. I’m Jian Yan.”
I should have lived in hell. Someone pulled me into the world, let me experience the love and romance. I should have been content, but I actually hoped she would go to hell with me. I hurt someone and killed this relationship with my own hands. I made the biggest mistake in my life, but I didn’t have the slightest chance to make up for it.
I sent myself back to a deeper hell with my own hands.
**Epilogue**
Lin Ting told me that later Qin Lang got divorced and never got married again, nor had any children. He said he had been looking for me for a long time and that he loved me.
He asked me if I was willing, if I felt happy, if I felt that my revenge was achieved.
I just smiled. The days when I loved Qin Lang, I tried my best, without reservation, heartily, and it could be considered a fulfilling journey.
The Buddha said that all appearances are illusions. Love is illusory, sin is illusory. The joys and sorrows of life are like a long river, just an experience. So it’s better to sing a song, have a grand feast, indulge in love and sin. After dawn, everything will disappear.
– The End –
