I was Zhou Jiang’s girlfriend for three years. There were no quarrels or conflicts between us, and we were the model couple in the eyes of others.
But all of this couldn’t withstand half a message sent by his ex – girlfriend when she returned to the country.
1
Zhou Jiang is my brother’s friend, a handsome and outstanding young master.
The first time I saw him was in summer. He was nestled on the sofa in my brother’s room, making a phone call. The balcony was wide open, and the orange sunlight at four or five o’clock spilled on him, making his hair glisten with gold.
I pushed open my brother’s door. Hearing the movement, he turned his head to look at me.
At that moment of eye – to – eye contact, he gave me a faint smile and pointed to the bathroom with one free hand, indicating where my brother was.
Then he turned back to continue the phone call, sat up, lowered his head slightly, revealing the clear lines of the vertebrae on the back of his neck. The light spots sprinkled on it, and I seemed to see the fine hairs.
When the bathroom door opened and my brother came out, shaking his hands, I finally came to my senses.
The high – spirited young man was charmingly attractive in every move.
But it was a long, long time later that I learned that he was on the phone with his girlfriend at that time, chatting patiently with her.
At that time, my brother was in college and was very busy, so the time he went home was scarce. Therefore, the next time I saw Zhou Jiang, it was already deep winter.
My brother took me to play in the mountains with them.
Zhou Jiang was also there, wearing a short – style black sports cotton – padded jacket, sitting in the passenger seat and looking at his phone.
His whole temperament had changed a lot compared to the first time I saw him. His face was set off by the black clothes, and he even looked a bit pale. His vitality seemed to be covered by the thick snow outside.
I leaned over. He looked up at me, with a puzzled arc raised at the end of his eyebrows.
He had already forgotten who I was.
But he was still polite. When he heard my self – introduction, he nodded and gave a faint smile.
I’m not a shy person. I liked him very much at that time. I stayed beside him and asked him various questions. He responded occasionally.
I asked him, “Are you unhappy?”
He shook his head.
“Then are you sick?”
He said no.
“Then why do you look so listless?”
He tapped his finger twice on the side of his phone, finally looked up, and smiled, “Go and play with your brother, okay?”
2
Zhou Jiang was actually very nice to me.
But he seemed to be heartless.
I confessed my love to him, and with the teasing and matchmaking of my brother and others, we got together.
At that time, we were in a Miao village, sitting in a circle around the bonfire. The firelight reflected Zhou Jiang’s face, making his eyes extremely bright.
He smiled and nodded, pulled me to sit beside him, “Okay,” and then kicked my brother, “Don’t expect me to call you brother.”
So we became a couple.
During the three years of our relationship, we never had any disputes or conflicts.
He worked, and I studied.
He would pick me up at my school on weekends to meet, and we would chat on WeChat occasionally. The most intimate contact was when he would pull my hand to the inside when we were walking.
He never forgot anniversaries, birthdays, and various festivals. There were always gifts and elaborate dinners.
My brother was like a fool, thinking that Zhou Jiang loved me very much. He couldn’t stand the two of us in his words.
We were the model couple in the eyes of everyone around us.
Zhou Jiang had a very good temper. He never gave me a cold face when we met, but he didn’t talk much either. After I chattered a lot to him, he would nod and smile.
I was originally fascinated by his smile, but now I hate this expression of his very much.
In this relationship, I was a raging fire, while he was the water that trickled slowly but never stopped.
I always felt tired, but I couldn’t find the crux of the problem.
I thought I would never see Zhou Jiang’s emotions.
But my roommate got drunk in a bar after a breakup. When I was sending her back and passing through the alley behind the bar, there was a couple hugging in the corner.
The boy pulled the girl away, and there was anger in his voice that I had never heard before, “Don’t be crazy. What do you take me for?”
There were also swear words that I had never heard from him before.
The voice was so familiar that the roommate in my arms woke up with a start.
I was still agonizing over whether it was appropriate to call out my boyfriend, but my roommate blinked her red and hazy eyes and sniffed. The environment was so quiet that the sound of a drop of water dripping from the balcony of the street onto the ground was crystal clear.
“Duan Duan, is that your boyfriend?” After a night in the bar, her hoarse voice was still loud and obvious.
But this person was likely to cause trouble. After making a fuss, she couldn’t stand it and wanted to vomit. I didn’t pay attention to the two people opposite first. I helped her to the trash can on the street.
I handed her mineral water. After vomiting, she went limp and leaned on me.
I propped her up. Just then, the driver of the car I called happened to call me. When I turned around, I saw Zhou Jiang standing behind me, with a calm face. His words were slow and steady. He seemed to reach out to help my roommate, but then retracted his hand, thinking it was inappropriate.
“I’ll take you back.”
I showed him my phone, “I’ve already called a car. It’s waiting at the intersection ahead.”
There was a beautiful girl standing behind him. The light khaki suit jacket she was wearing was very large, and she stood with her arms folded at the side – rear of Zhou Jiang.
My eyes inadvertently turned that way, and I immediately met her gaze. She seemed to be observing me carefully.
The corners of her eyes were red, but it still didn’t prevent her from having an extremely beautiful face. Her beauty was still dazzling under the dim street – lamp.
I withdrew my gaze and looked at Zhou Jiang. He seemed to want to escort me and my roommate to the car, but he didn’t intend to introduce us to each other.
The four of us walked to the intersection in silence. Only my roommate’s occasional uncomfortable groans were heard on the way.
Zhou Jiang reached out several times to help me but retracted his hand. He clearly knew about the boundaries between men and women. But now it was almost dawn, and his clothes were draped over a strange girl he didn’t plan to introduce to me.
When we reached the online – car – hailing, Zhou Jiang finally said the second sentence to me that night. He gently pulled my other arm, “Let this car take her. I’ll take you back to school.”
Her.
3
But I didn’t refuse either. I took my roommate and moved to the other side to make way for the back – door position. The girl looked at Zhou Jiang. After a long time, she got into the back seat and turned her face to the other side, looking a bit sullen.
Zhou Jiang’s fingers tapped on the car window, “The clothes.”
This was the first time I heard the girl’s voice that night. It was as nice as her appearance, and her eyes were red again, “Zhou Jiang, are you so heartless?”
Zhou Jiang lowered his eyes and didn’t speak. Finally, he withdrew his hand and motioned for the driver to leave.
The car Zhou Jiang usually drove was a black off – road vehicle, which actually didn’t quite match his current temperament anymore.
I helped my roommate get into the back seat and accompanied her in the back seat, holding her and letting her lie on my lap.
Zhou Jiang looked back at me. I couldn’t manage a smile, so I didn’t respond.
The car started moving, and the city’s neon lights gradually moved backward.
I looked out of the window sideways, and Zhou Jiang’s voice came from the front.
“Did you drink alcohol tonight?” As always, his voice was clear and gently tender.
“No, I mainly accompanied her.”
“Are you hungry?” He asked again. The rear – view mirror reflected his face. The light climbed up his nose. Half of his face was hidden in the dark, and the other half was clearly illuminated by the light.
“Not hungry.” I shook my head, looking at the neatly arranged roadside trees outside the window.
Zhou Jiang was my first love, so I didn’t know if other couples who had been in a relationship for three years would be as polite as us during their interactions. No matter how passionate I was in the first two years, it was gradually and passively extinguished.
In these three years with him, we had never blushed, whether it was because of a quarrel or because of deep affection.
Was this the love I wanted? He was even wearing down my yearning for love.
But every time I saw Zhou Jiang, I was still hopelessly admiring and attracted to him.
Even at this moment, I thought that Zhou Jiang couldn’t just leave the beautiful girl who was hugging him in the middle of the night and wearing his coat aside and come to greet me as if nothing had happened.
I used to be a very active person. I took the initiative to pursue him, take the initiative to find him, take the initiative to get close to him, and even take the initiative to confess my love in front of so many people.
After we got together, I took the initiative to hold his hand and wanted to hug him, but after being subtly avoided, I didn’t have the courage to take the initiative to kiss him anymore.
Even now, I didn’t have the courage to take the initiative to ask.
I propped my elbow on the edge of the car window and rested my chin on it.
“Zhou Jiang, do you think our relationship is what you want?”
He seemed to be stunned for a moment, and his voice became a bit colder, “What’s wrong? What do you want to say?”
I never looked back at him. His back was also attractive to me, but I was afraid to see it now.
“It’s just that I suddenly don’t want to continue.”
He fell silent. It was a long time before he spoke again, “Can I ask for the reason?”
“It’s not your problem, nor is it my problem. It’s just that I feel a bit tired. In this relationship with you, I’m consuming myself, but I don’t get any response of equal value. Zhou Jiang, if I didn’t know you had a girlfriend before, I would even think you were gay.” This was quite impolite to say.
But this was the only time, and perhaps the last time in three years, that I had so many pent – up thorns in my heart.
“My brother has had several girlfriends, and I’ve seen them all. No matter how their relationship was, it definitely wasn’t like ours. Zhou Jiang, I feel that I’m not the same Jiang Lai as before. Before, I couldn’t help but want to rush towards you when I saw you, but now when I see you, hear your phone calls, or see your WeChat messages, my first and fastest reaction is to avoid. You’ve never given me any response, which has made me afraid to ask you for anything now. It has become a stress response. My subconscious knows that I can’t get anything from you, so it automatically turns on the resistance mechanism. This is almost pathological, and I don’t like myself like this. You’re like a robot that can’t be faulted, but precisely because you’re a robot, you don’t have the slightest emotion. I don’t want to pursue or ask about the reason why you were with me in the first place. Since I proposed the start, then I’ll also propose the end.”
4
The car was extremely quiet for a while, and even the even breathing of my roommate couldn’t be heard.
Looking out of the car window, I said this long passage without stopping. I felt that there was a big hole in my heart, and the gap was blowing with gusts of cool wind.
Zhou Jiang also didn’t speak for a while. He parked the car in a temporary parking lot near a grassland.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” He turned back and asked me. His voice didn’t have the usual just – right tenderness. It was very cold.
I moved my roommate to the adjacent seat cushion, pushed open the car door, and walked to the grassland first.
Three years ago, on that night in the Miao village, I sat on the ground with shallow tender grass, beside Zhou Jiang, looking at the small arc at the corner of his eyes, and my heart pounded all night.
Tonight, three years later, the grassland was slightly damp. I looked down at the road, and Zhou Jiang walked beside me.
“It’s my problem.” He spoke first. The moonlight was clear, and his voice blended with the moonlight, finally turning cold.
“No, we’re just not suitable.” You just don’t have feelings for me.
He turned his head to look at me and then turned back to the road ahead, “To be honest, I’m very satisfied with our current relationship. But I didn’t expect these thoughts in your heart. Is there anything else? You can tell me. I want to know.”
I really couldn’t say many sentimental words. I was never relaxed in front of him. Being tense was the norm.
I shook my head, “I don’t want to talk anymore.”
He pondered for a long time before speaking in a low voice, “The one tonight is my ex – girlfriend. We didn’t part on good terms at that time. After that, she went abroad, and we haven’t contacted each other. She suddenly came to me tonight…”
I interrupted him, “I won’t break up with you because of this. But I don’t want to know now. I’m very tired.”
I stopped. We had already reached the center of the grassland. The moon seemed to be hanging right above our heads.
“Zhou Jiang, I’ve never shown it in front of you. I’m actually a bit stubborn. Once I make a decision, I won’t change it easily, whether it’s right or wrong. Don’t explain. I’m especially reluctant to part with you, but I really don’t want to continue.”
He slightly lowered his head, his face was shrouded in shadows, and his expression couldn’t be seen clearly, but I could feel his gaze on my face.
“I’m sorry for making you unhappy.”
His coat wasn’t on him. He was only wearing a slightly formal business shirt. His shoulders were very broad, and his waist was very narrow. I was up to his shoulders. If I reached out and passed my arm around his thin waist from the side, it would definitely be a very comfortable and secure posture. But after being refused a few times without being noticed, I never had the courage again.
Even now, I really wanted to hug him in the moonlight, but my hands didn’t move at all.
……
After that night, there was only silence. After we finished talking and got back in the car, my heart was extremely empty and quiet. I even fell asleep in the back seat.
I was woken up and helped my roommate back to the dormitory. He would usually watch me go upstairs until the dormitory light was on before leaving, but I didn’t go to the balcony to look this time.
After washing up and tidying up, it was already 2 am, but I wasn’t sleepy anymore.
Lying on the bed and looking at my phone, I, who had unilaterally harbored sweet feelings for more than two years, had labeled all of Zhou Jiang’s contact information on my phone with the cloying term “boyfriend.”
Now it looked extremely ironic. I slowly changed his name back to his original name one by one, deleted all the chat records and call records, canceled the top – pinning, and his account easily sank to the bottom.
I woke up late the next day. When I turned my head, I found my roommate’s face on my bedside, blinking her big eyes.
“I didn’t drink myself to death last night.” She said.
Being reminded that I was single again early in the morning wasn’t a very pleasant thing.
I touched her head.
“I’ll accompany you to drink tonight. I won’t touch a drop.”
I smiled, “What are you thinking? My situation is different from yours. In fact, if possible, I also want to have a relationship like yours, where I can be angry, surprised, cry, and laugh.”
I sighed and sat up, “But look, Zhou Jiang and I… We were a model couple for three years. Don’t you think it’s too fake?”
She still blinked, “But I think you two have a good relationship…”
“Because there’s no real feeling, that’s why it seems like we have a good relationship…”
I’m not slow – witted or stupid. When I confessed my love to him, from the words of the people around me and Zhou Jiang’s emotions and attitude, I also guessed that there was an untouchable ex – girlfriend in his heart. But at that time, I was young and full of enthusiasm, and I didn’t think about retreating. I thought that I could easily occupy his heart with my efforts.
I wouldn’t turn back until I hit the wall, but after hitting it, I wouldn’t regret it.
5
My brother called me on the weekend and asked me to go out for dinner with my sister – in – law.
It was a Zhejiang – style restaurant we often went to. The first thing my brother did when he saw me was to look behind me.
“Is my Brother Jiang parking the car?”
I pushed his head, “We broke up.”
“Oh, broke up.” He reacted for half a minute, then suddenly turned his head, “What? Broke up? Did he dump you?”
“……” I stared at him for two seconds, thinking he was really making a fuss. I turned around to leave, but he pulled me back.
“Jiang Yuan, I’m very annoyed. Don’t mess with me.”
“Why did you break up? You two had such a good relationship. Tell your brother, did he make you angry?” He was still grinning.
I shook my head, “No, we just separated. It was a peaceful breakup. We’re not suitable. Don’t blabber about it everywhere, and don’t go looking for him.”
He pouted, “But what exactly was the reason? You were together for three years and then say you’re not suitable.”
His girlfriend in the distance was waving to us at the restaurant entrance. I pushed him over, “Stop asking. Anyway, don’t keep egging us on in the future, and don’t ask. It’s embarrassing for both me and him. Jiang Yuan, you hear me? You and he can carry on as usual. It’s just that I and he are simply not suitable. No one owes anyone anything.”
My brother seems lively and loves to make trouble, and he often tricks me, but he actually protects me a lot. I don’t want this little thing to cause a rift between him and Zhou Jiang. That would be even more awkward.
But sometimes luck is just so strange. I had just entered the restaurant with them and was ordering at the front desk.
I was looking down at the menu when my sister – in – law pinched my hand.
When I turned my head, I saw Zhou Jiang pushing open the door of a private room inside and coming out, with his well – dressed work partners beside him.
My brother was standing next to my sister – in – law, put his arm around her, glanced at me, and waved to say hello to Zhou Jiang’s side.
There was no way to pretend not to see him. Zhou Jiang turned his head and said a few words to the people around him, then walked towards us.
In a black suit, it made his waist and abdomen look slender and his legs long. His skin was fair, and such dark – colored clothes only made him look more noble.
“Brother Zhou,” I called him the way my brother taught me before I dated him.
He seemed to pause briefly in his movements, then quickly recovered and smiled, “You guys come to have a meal?”
It was an obvious thing. Such polite platitudes were really uninteresting. Since when did Zhou Jiang start saying such things?
When I first saw him, he was clearly a free – spirited teenager. He never took the initiative to look for others. Even if he was squatting in a car in the corner playing with his phone, I would run around looking for him to bother him, and several people would run over to give him water and snacks.
My fingers touched the smooth surface of the plastic – wrapped menu, and I suddenly realized in my heart.
In these three years, it wasn’t just me who had changed. Zhou Jiang was no longer the big boy who casually slumped and made phone calls in the sun when I first saw him. In these years, I was in the middle of it and couldn’t see clearly, but Zhou Jiang was long gone from the young college student who had a smile on his face but actually didn’t care about anyone when he just graduated.
I unconsciously stroked the menu and slowly nodded.
But I saw the him of the past some time ago. Strangely, the environment was dim at that time. I didn’t think much when I glanced at him, but later, every time I recalled, the details emerged one by one.
The Zhou Jiang I had seen over the years was always glamorous and without any mistakes. But that night, Zhou Jiang’s forehead hair was messy, and his voice didn’t hold back at all downstairs in the residential area in the early morning. There were angry swear words, and there were brown mud spots on his cuffs under the moonlight on the grassland. His shirt was too white, so the small lipstick marks on his chest were so conspicuous.
The sound of Zhou Jiang turning to talk to my brother faintly reached my ears, and I finally woke up from my thoughts.
During the meal, my brother was picking up food for my sister – in – law across from me, and his mouth didn’t stop.
“I don’t believe you two broke up peacefully. He just talked to you, and you ignored him.”
My sister – in – law handed me a bowl of soup. I took it and then looked up at my brother, “Just now? No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. You were so obvious about showing him a cold face. And you told me not to blabber. Humph.”
I was confused, “When did I show him a cold face?”
“Just now. You were lowering your head there, not talking and not reacting. With a blank face, who would dare to mess with you? Your old brother felt like he had his thick skin back after so many years.” My sister – in – law couldn’t help laughing and pinched his face.
I used my chopsticks to pick at the shrimps in the soup, “I was thinking about something just now. I’m sorry, brother. I just didn’t know what to say to him, and I didn’t want to say anything.”
My brother lowered his eyelids and didn’t look at me. He asked casually, “Why did you really break up? Can’t you really say?”
“It’s not that I can’t say. There really isn’t anything major. I just don’t want to continue.”
My brother looked at me for a while, and finally just said, “Well, anyway, if you have anything, call me.”
6
That night, I went home. During my relationship with Zhou Jiang, he was really a qualified lover. There were many gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, and various festivals.
Luxury shoes, bags, lipsticks, perfumes, or jewelry. I was reluctant to put them in the dormitory, so I set up a glass cabinet as big as a wall at home and neatly placed them inside, without a speck of dust.
I even kept the used perfume bottles and lipstick tubes inside as souvenirs.
I used to wonder how Zhou Jiang, who was so busy at work, always knew about the new products of the season and could get them for me. Until I found out that he had an extremely capable assistant.
It wasn’t just me. He could also pick gifts that hit the spot for all his business partners.
As I was packing these things, I felt a bit pathetic.
Every time Zhou Jiang handed me these exquisitely packaged gifts, did he even know what was inside?
He wouldn’t care about these things, and I didn’t need to be so fussy as to return them to him.
I also gave him a lot of gifts, and each one was carefully selected according to his hobbies and daily life.
Ties, watches, perfumes, wallets. He just never used them.
I packed all the things. They seemed a lot when placed on the wall, but when put into a cardboard box, it wasn’t much. I contacted second – hand buyers and sold everything that could be sold.
In a few days, there wasn’t much left in the box.
The money I received, I directly transferred to the donation account.
My roommate was waiting for me to pick her up at the bar again. She was young, from a well – off family, and a very simple girl.
But her first love was with a cheating playboy. She didn’t learn anything else, but learned to drink. She said she wanted to get drunk five times and completely forget.
I quickly went to the bar we went to last time after I finished packing. At 8 pm, it was the busiest time. This time, she was sitting on a conspicuous high – stool at the bar.
I went over and sat next to her. She had made progress. She didn’t cry this time.
I quickly ordered a bunch of low – alcohol drinks for her and placed them in front of her, stopping her hand from ordering by herself.
I’ve been a bit muddled these days. There were a lot of assignments and work left.
I was using my tablet to process experimental data next to her, not noticing the time and the people coming and going. Until someone patted me. I turned my head. It was a noisy moment, and my head was full of numbers. I looked at the bartender in front of me with difficulty.
I was sitting right at the bar, and he even walked around specifically. There was a glass of blue liquid on the tray.
It took me a long time to hear clearly, “A gentleman ordered this for you.”
My first reaction was speechless, but I was too lazy to pay attention. I motioned for him to put it anywhere.
I turned my head to look. My roommate’s clothes and my schoolbag were still tangled together. She was lying beside me, playing a game of match-three in a daze.
I asked her if she wanted to go back to the dormitory. She shook her head, so I continued to work on my report.
Unconsciously, the people around gradually decreased. After the busiest time, the music in the hall changed to a soothing piano piece. I rubbed my temples. My roommate beside me had a blushing face and fell asleep.
I packed my things and first called a car on my phone.
But unexpectedly, I heard a drunk girl talking in the west of the hall. The voice seemed a bit familiar.
The bar staff was leaning over in front of her, asking who to call to pick her up and pay. The girl’s voice sounded very sad, with a sobbing tone. “He won’t answer my call. He won’t. I called, and he didn’t answer…”
My eyelids twitched. Under the hazy light over there, the girl’s half – hidden face was tinged with a rosy glow, adding to her beauty. It was Zhou Jiang’s ex – girlfriend.
The staff picked up his phone and asked her to enter the number. She suddenly sat up straight and recited the number one by one. Zhou Jiang had said that it was the number he got since junior high school and hadn’t changed it for so many years.
The bar had already quieted down, so the voice on the speakerphone over there was so clear.
“Click”, a clear and slightly low male voice, “Hello?”
As soon as the girl heard it, she took the phone and put it to her mouth, “Zhou Jiang! I’m drunk, Zhou Jiang!”
The bartender took the opportunity to explain, “Hello, are you this lady’s friend? She’s drunk here. We’re about to close. Do you think it’s convenient for you to come and pick her up?”
There was a pause over there, and then the answer was still concise, “Address.”
I helped my roommate leave the bar door.
7
The next two weeks were full of busyness. Sometimes I didn’t even know what I was busy with. Things just piled up one after another, and I was pushed forward.
On the weekend, when I came out of the library, I was surprised to find my brother standing by the roadpost in front of the gate, leaning against the car and lazily waving at me.
I walked over, “Brother, why are you here?”
He pinched the back of my neck, “If I don’t come, I’m afraid something will really happen to you. You don’t answer my calls or reply to my texts. What, are you playing hide – and – seek like a primary school student just because you’re heartbroken?”
“…… No, I’ve had so many things to do these days. I didn’t really look at my phone, and when I saw the messages, I was too lazy to reply.”
He pushed me into the car, “Your current state is really not right, Jiang Duanduan. You don’t answer my calls, don’t go home, and just perfunctorily call our parents twice. Are you being rebellious? What are you doing?”
After he got in the car, I opened my tablet and showed it to him. It was mid – term season, with a lot of homework, exams, and papers. “See? Shut up.”
He stared at me for a few seconds and pouted.
“I get it. You had a setback in love, so you want to make up for it in your studies, right?”
If he hadn’t been driving, I really wanted to kick him.
He took me home, but instead of going into the house, he directly went to the rooftop.
My mom is very artistic. The rooftop was decorated with flowers, plants, a bar counter, and glass, making it look like a trendy little restaurant. My brother was carrying a big bag of frozen beer in his hand and stacked it on the table.
“Come on, let it out. Don’t push yourself too hard. Look at you now, you’re like a ascetic.”
“You’re avoiding, Jiang Lai.” His tone was affirmatively rare.
He opened a can and handed it to me first. My brother has been a trouble – maker since he was a child, but he was afraid of getting beaten, so he always dragged me along as a shield for whatever he did. So when I was young, I played everything with them, and drinking was like child’s play.
But I don’t like to drink. I can hold my liquor, but I feel bad after drinking, so I rarely touch it.
He also opened a can for himself, took a sip, and the red glow of the sunset began to appear in the sky.
“Don’t hold things in. Where did the courage you had when you were a kid, flirting with little boys without fear, go? Why are you taking the artistic route now? Are you really my sister? I know you best since I brought you up. Take a break these days. I’ll accompany you whatever you want to do.”
I swirled the first sip of beer in my mouth. The malt flavor and bitterness instantly attacked my taste buds, and my stomach started to resist in advance.
“I love studying. Will you accompany me? Accompany me to study by myself.”
He slapped me on the shoulder, “Get lost.”
I laughed, “Brother, don’t do this. I’m getting goosebumps.”
I slumped in the seat and finished a can in one go.
Looking at the lines of the distant mountains, neither of us spoke. After a long time, I sniffed, “It hurts so much, brother.”
“I used to think that I could succeed in everything as long as I tried hard.”
“I liked him so much, but he didn’t like me at all.”
“His ex – girlfriend is so beautiful.”
“Why is Zhou Jiang so heartless?”
“Three years, 1000 days, every day was the same. I was always eagerly chasing after him, and he treated me worse than he treated his company’s clients. Now when I look back, there are no good memories. It was always business – like. Where was the feeling of being a couple?”
“I was a complete outsider.”
“……”
My brother tore a piece of paper and slapped it on my face, “There’s the crybaby from when you were a kid.”
He was silent for a while, waiting for me to calm down, “It’s my fault. I was confused at that time. Seeing that you liked him, I pulled him to match you two up. I’m sorry, sister.”
I opened another can of beer. My face was hot, and I uselessly pressed the cold aluminum can against myself.
I shook my head, “No, brother. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have been able to get such a handsome guy. I’ve experienced it and tried my best. I don’t regret it. I’ve figured it out. Whatever will be, will be. Others’ youth was wasted on a scumbag, but my youth was spent looking at handsome guys. I didn’t suffer a loss either.”
His serious expression didn’t last for a minute. He laughed, looked at me, and poked my forehead, “You’re drunk. You’re even comforting me. If you feel bad, cry some more.”
After a while, he leaned over and winked at me, “How about I introduce you to some more handsome guys? Innocent little brothers without ex – girlfriends. Do you want?”
I leaned back in the seat and really kicked him this time, “Get lost.”
8
The consequences of a hangover were deeply engraved in my body. I didn’t come to my senses until the afternoon of the next day.
My mom went upstairs to tend to her flowers last night. According to her, she saw me and my brother lying there, looking more handsome than each other, reeking of alcohol, and it even killed her flowers.
Now she was fiddling with her coffee machine, and the living room was filled with a faint fragrance. I was sitting on the sofa, rubbing my head.
“Did your brother break up again? He dragged you to drink. I really want to teach him a lesson.”
One sentence touched my laughing point. I held my mom’s cup handle and took a sip, “It’s not him. It’s me who broke up.” I pointed to myself with my index finger.
“Little Zhou?” My mom put away her smile and her brows slightly furrowed.
“Yeah, we broke up.” I held the coffee in my hand. She didn’t drink for a long time, so I took it and took two more sips before I felt alive again.
I took the initiative to explain, “Don’t worry. It was a peaceful breakup. We didn’t quarrel, have any conflicts, and we won’t get back together.”
After hearing this, she paused, “No wonder you’ve been acting strange these days. If you’re not suitable, it’s better to break up. Forcing it will only hurt both of you. Anyway, no matter what you do, mom will support you.”
Just then, there was a commotion in my brother’s room, a tinkling sound. My mom patted my shoulder and stood up, “Wait a minute. I’ll go teach him a lesson first.”
I picked up my coffee and ran over to watch the show.
……
My brother took a few days off under the pretext of accompanying me and then dragged me out again at night.
“Jiang Yuan’er, I’m a student, a good student. Can you have some sense of being a brother? I have two final exams and one mid – term exam next week.”
“Brother will take you to a place. You’ll definitely like it.” He winked at me, “We’ll pick up your sister – in – law first.”
“……”
I sat in the back seat of the car, doing exercises. I woke up in the afternoon. My body was tired, but my mind was surprisingly clear. Some time ago, I had a strange feeling of pent – up anger in my chest, which made me insomnia for several days.
But now, I was sitting cross – legged in the back seat of the car, biting a popsicle and doing exercises. The early summer wind was gently blowing on my face, and it was extremely comfortable.
After picking up my sister – in – law, we drove all the way outside the city.
There was a rusty iron gate that seemed unremarkable. My brother drove straight in, and the inside was quite different.
We could hear the noise from afar. There were dozens of luxury cars parked in the simple white – painted parking lot. The logos and designs were not low – key, and even I, who didn’t know much about cars, could tell.
It was a small private car – racing event. But it seemed that Jiang Yuan was quite familiar with the place.
Even my sister – in – law was no stranger to it. She whispered in my ear, joking, “There are so many handsome guys here. Your brother and I met here.”
I also joked, “Okay, then I’ll find a brother – in – law for you here.”
She blinked, smiling.
But it was just a joke. Having just come out of a failed relationship, I didn’t think my self – healing ability was that strong, and I still had no plans in this regard.
I made an excuse to let my brother and sister – in – law be alone. I went out of the hall and sat down with my seat number.
The race hadn’t started yet. I took out the tablet from my bag and continued to review. Facing the exams, I couldn’t even enjoy myself.
I was memorizing a knowledge point when a shadow fell in front of me. A waiter in a vest was holding a tray with a clear royal – blue drink on it.
“A gentleman ordered this for you.”
I couldn’t help but want to scratch my ears. This sentence sounded a bit familiar. I seemed to have heard it not long ago.
I motioned for him to put it anywhere. He looked at me in a perplexed way. I looked around. There were only seats here.
I had to take it and put it beside me.
I don’t know how much time passed. The light was slowly moving on the ground. My brother’s voice suddenly rang out above my head.
“Busy person, what are you doing here?”
I yawned and looked up at him. He was holding my sister – in – law’s hand, but his gaze wasn’t on me.
A too – familiar voice sounded beside me, with a faint smile, “I was looking at a factory in the west today. After that, I came here with the client.”
It was Zhou Jiang’s voice, right beside my left hand. Uncontrollably, I frowned.
I really didn’t want to see him.
I wanted to move on and not be trapped by him.
I looked up, controlled my facial expression, and called out, “Brother Zhou,” then stood up and dragged my sister – in – law to the bathroom.
9
After that day, I didn’t go back to the auditorium. I found another high place to watch the race.
I just didn’t want to see Zhou Jiang anymore, didn’t want to face him.
I’m not a saint. Forgetting and avoiding, I just wanted to use the simplest physical means. Not looking, not thinking, not listening, not smelling. At least my inner emotions wouldn’t fluctuate too much.
When we were about to leave, the moon was already hanging very high. I took my brother’s car keys early and hid in the car to review and do exercises. I had earphones in my ears. When they came over, the rear – view mirror vaguely reflected their figures.
The sound was blocked by the earphones. I buried my head and didn’t look again.
On the way, I still apologized to my brother. I said I didn’t want to make things awkward for them, but running away like this when facing them made it even harder for them.
He threw a bag of snacks at me, with a smile on his face, “Okay, your parents and I are here to support you. You don’t need to be so sensible. If you like someone, be with them. If you don’t want to be together, break up. If you don’t want to see someone, stay away. No one will say you’re wrong.”
……
After struggling through the mid – term season, my roommate wanted to go to the bar again.
I stood in front of her, looking her up and down, “Ms. Lin, tell me the truth. Why do you want to go to the bar every day? Don’t use the breakup excuse to perfunctory me. You look as happy as a fool every day.”
She slapped me, covered her face with both hands, then showed a little through her fingers, and leaned over, “The bar owner is extremely handsome and makes me sweet drinks.”
The more I heard, the more I felt she was going to be cheated again. “Don’t drink the drinks given by others casually. Don’t you know that?”
She dragged me outside, “Oh, you’ll know when you go. Trust me, Duanduan.”
On the street, the sign of “that bar” was simple and eye – catching. It was the bar my roommate had been frequenting since her breakup, and it was also the place where I had experienced my heartbreak.
But the interior environment was actually quite good, with a tipsy atmosphere and exquisite decorations.
My roommate was sitting on the bar counter, holding her face and giggling at a cool guy with a crew – cut who had no expression. Now it was me playing games.
We came early, and there were few people at this time. The store was playing old jazz with a strong rhythm.
I tapped my heel twice on the high – stool.
While waiting for the game to load, a name suddenly popped up on my phone screen, someone I seemed to haven’t seen for a long time – Zhou Jiang.
My finger paused in the air, and finally, I didn’t answer.
Soon, a message popped up, “Are you free to have dinner together? I’m just passing by your school.”
The message stayed briefly at the top of the phone screen. I swiped it away and didn’t pay attention anymore.
I ordered a glass of ice – cold lemonade. My roommate was flirting with the bar owner, and I played flying chess with two beautiful sisters and a handsome guy next to me all night.
This time when we went out the door, my roommate finally didn’t need to be helped. The bar owner was cold. He didn’t say two words all night, but he offered to send us back to school.
When we got closer, it was a black jeep.
It was the type of car I had often taken in the past two years. My roommate was being reserved and wanted to sit in the back. I thought it was funny and was about to get into the car behind her when I heard someone call my name.
“Jiang Lai.” A soft call, with a suppressed tone, but my heart still jumped restlessly in my chest.
A little warm touch covered my wrist, but it was quickly withdrawn.
I turned around and looked at Zhou Jiang under the street – lamp.
I didn’t smile, and I could hardly smile. I even inevitably frowned.
“Brother Zhou, what’s the matter?”
The street – lamp was too bright. He was tall, and it made his facial features more clearly defined.
“I’ll take you.”
“What’s the matter? You can say it now.”
He looked at me, slowly retracting his already faint smile.
“Jiang Lai, can we talk again?”
I looked at the two ants slowly crawling on the cement ground for a while, then looked up, “Zhou Jiang, you’re such a smart person. You shouldn’t believe the nonsense about being friends after breaking up. Even if there is such a thing, I don’t want to have any more contact with you. Can you stop showing up in front of me? Being indecisive and having lingering feelings isn’t your style. I really don’t want to see you now. Don’t drag me down with you.”
After I said these words, I realized I had been too harsh.
It took me half a year from making up my mind to finally breaking up with him. During those six months, it was like this, dawdling and being entangled. On one hand, I was greedy for him, and on the other hand, I was full of depression. In the end, I was muddled and didn’t know what I was doing.
10
Finally, his face completely turned cold.
“Brother Zhou, you’re a nice person. I don’t want to say more unpleasant words. That would make both of us embarrassed. But I’m just such a person. I can’t be friends with you again. I have a bad temper. In the past, my good temper in front of you was mostly faked…”
Before I could finish speaking, his phone started vibrating. The night was too quiet. My roommate and the bar owner behind me didn’t make any noise, making the vibrating sound seem like a death knell.
He stood there for a long time without moving. His gaze hung above my head. His mouth seemed to open, but he didn’t say anything.
“Answer the phone.” I said.
I turned to get in the car. Just as the phone vibration was about to stop, I heard Zhou Jiang’s cold and unfamiliar tone.
“Who is it?” Suppressing anger and impatience.
A broken female voice came out from the receiver, shouting the name “Zhou Jiang” loudly, with the emphasis on the “Jiang” character. I patted my roommate Lin Jingyuan, and she leaned towards the driver’s seat back and whispered to the bar owner that we could leave.
The front – view mirror of the car reflected the figure of Zhou Jiang getting smaller and smaller behind us. His hands were hanging by his sides, looking vague and lonely. I moved my eyes away.
……
I didn’t block or delete Zhou Jiang’s contact information. He wasn’t some heinous bad guy. Besides, I just wanted to avoid him now and wouldn’t take the initiative to contact him.
He still occasionally sent me messages, which I blocked without reading.
Like this, a few more weeks passed. My roommate’s progress was slow. Her relationship with the bar owner was still at the stage of chatting and sending her home.
There was a lecture related to our major in the school lecture hall on the weekend. I didn’t want to go at first, but each class needed to have a certain number of people, so I was forced to go.
There was the name of the company sponsor on the large fluorescent screen on the podium, a very familiar name.
I found a seat in the corner. The class monitor was also one of those who had been forced to come. We, along with the classmates from the neighboring class next to us, started playing online Landlord (a card game) on our phones.
Wearing wireless earphones, my ears were filled with the game sound effects. The sound from the auditorium’s stereo was hazy.
So when that too – familiar voice rang out, I even thought I was hallucinating. When I looked up, it was indeed him.
Standing next to the school leader, he looked extremely tall, handsome, and young. Even sitting in the corner, I could feel his gaze gathering towards me.
The class monitor leaned over to show me his cards. This time, the classmate from the neighboring class was the landlord. He saw our whispering and kicked the class monitor.
For the rest of the half – time, I didn’t look at the stage. Even though his voice only appeared briefly, I was still a bit restless. All the beans I won were lost, and I felt a bit bored.
Zhou Jiang was on the way I had to pass when leaving the auditorium. He sent his assistant to have dinner with the school leader, took off his coat, and inside was a snow – white shirt.
He lowered his eyes and looked at me, “Now I’m not contacting you as a friend, but as your brother’s friend to see how you are. At that time, many things weren’t explained clearly. You didn’t want to listen, but I still want to explain to you.”
We went to one of the school’s self – run canteens. It wasn’t meal – time, so there weren’t many people.
Actually, I used to want to invite him to try the food in our school canteen. But every time we dated, the restaurant, the route, seemed to be set, like an industrial process, not allowing any changes.
I handed him the chopsticks and started silently picking up food to eat.
He gently placed the chopsticks beside the plate, didn’t eat first. His palms slightly closed, clasping his fingers, resting on the dining table. His fingers unconsciously tapped a little, then he softly said.
“I’ll admit it first. When I was in a relationship with you, I really didn’t have much feelings for you.”
“I had a girlfriend in college for three years. I just broke up with her when I met you.”
“At that time, I was very young, and my mind was very immature, even naive. I didn’t dislike you, and I didn’t care much, so I easily agreed to their teasing. This was quite unfair and disrespectful to you. I apologize to you.”
I took a spoonful of soup, but my heart still felt cold. Until now, he still thought that our first meeting was on the snowy mountain in winter.
The orange – red profile by the window that summer, in the end, only I remembered.
11
“During the few years of our relationship, I was actually very satisfied and wanted to maintain it well. So when you proposed to break up, I was actually very surprised and thought it was sudden. I’ve been reflecting on this during this period.”
“I was too self – centered and took things for granted in our relationship. I was always being self – righteous.”
His gaze seemed to be on me all the time, but I never met his eyes.
He smiled a bit self – deprecatingly, “In fact, I’ve been in a mess during this period. I’ve been thinking about what I really want. Our long – term relationship wasn’t fake. Every minute and second added up to such a long time. I couldn’t not be moved. Even now, I’m very unaccustomed to it.”
As if remembering something, “Chen Nan… that is, my ex – girlfriend. We didn’t contact each other after we broke up. The time you saw me outside the bar was when she came back to the country and looked for me. I thought I wouldn’t meet or contact her again in the future. To you, she was a stranger, so I didn’t explain to you immediately. She was wearing a short – sleeve at that time, and it was torn, so I lent her my clothes.”
“We broke up because of irreconcilable contradictions. She’s very beautiful and doesn’t lack suitors. We always quarreled back then. She also didn’t take our relationship seriously. She could leave me for the sake of going abroad promised by her biological father. I never thought about getting back together with her after we broke up.”
He slowly filled a bowl of soup and placed it beside me, “I didn’t tell you at that time because I thought it wasn’t necessary. Because I was very clear that nothing would happen between me and her again. During this period, I’ve also thought a lot. It’s my fault that you want to break up. I didn’t make you feel the affection of a lover. I was being ‘boiled in warm water’ by you and was so used to your tolerance that I forgot to give back.”
“So I agreed to your breakup, but I don’t want to let go.”
“Let’s start over, Jiang Lai. This time, let me pursue you.”
While he was speaking, I didn’t stop eating. Now that I was full, I wiped my mouth and hands with a tissue, and then for the first time, I looked up at him.
In the ordinary canteen, the blue plastic seats were next to each other. The environment wasn’t very nice, but this seemed to make the person opposite me stand out even more from the surroundings.
“If two people like each other, it doesn’t matter who pursues who or who takes the initiative. I don’t need you to pursue me. I won’t get back together with you just because of your compensatory pursuit. I’m not being coy to make things difficult for you. Zhou Jiang, I’ve understood what you said. But I never thought of blaming you. After all, I chose this myself.”
“I’m an adult. I think things through carefully before making a decision. I just simply want to end this relationship. I have classes. Brother Zhou, you can eat slowly. I’ll go first.”
I stood up, thought of something, and then asked him, “Were those two drinks ordered by you for me?”
He sat on the seat, looked up at me, and nodded.
“You used to bring me a lot of sweet and sour drinks when you came to see me.”
I was stunned for a moment, “Don’t order them for me in the future. I don’t like alcoholic drinks.”
Then I turned and left.
……
Although I verbally rejected Zhou Jiang that day, the frequency of his appearance around me still increased.
At that time, I had never pursued anyone either. I thought that if I liked someone, I would want to offer him all the things I thought were good and that I liked, not wanting him to be sad or upset, wanting to see him and be with him.
Unconsciously, Zhou Jiang seemed to be using the same routine.
But I was a rather passive “client”. I didn’t answer his calls, didn’t read his messages, avoided him when he came to find me. The food and gifts he ordered were sent to the downstairs of the dormitory. I asked my brother to return the things to him. The food couldn’t be stored, so I distributed it all to my classmates in the class.
What’s more, I was preparing for another thing now.
I signed up for one – on – one language tutoring classes outside the school. On weekdays, I mostly stayed in the library and submitted various materials.
In two months, apart from my daily classes, I was either in the study room, the tutoring class, or the library. The day I finished the IELTS exam was exactly one week before the final exams. Although it was not the right time, I still called my brother.
“I should be stable.” I said.
“Jiang Duanduan’er, you’ve become a ascetic. Your brother can’t stand it anymore. Come home these two days, and I’ll take you out to have some fun.”
I rubbed my temples, “I still have to prepare for the final exams. The GPA is also very important. I’m doomed.”
“No one is forcing you. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”
“I feel quite fulfilled. After this exam, if I maintain my GPA, things at the school over there should be almost settled.”
12
After the hell – like final – exam season ended, I slept at home for two days.
My brother found someone to help with the procedures. I went to the seaside with my schoolmates for half a month.
When Zhou Jiang called me again, I was blowing the wind by the sea with my friends. After thinking for two seconds, I answered.
It seemed like I hadn’t heard the voice of the person on the other side for a long time.
“Hello?”
He seemed a bit pleasantly surprised, and his voice carried a smile, “Lailai.”
I was digging the fine sand, and I just replied with an “mm”. The class monitor ran over with fireworks, not noticing that I was on the phone, and shouted, “You’re squatting here digging for crabs? Wanna go set off fireworks?”
I pointed to my phone and whispered to him, “Wait a bit.”
He said “oh” and made an OK gesture, then ran away in a dozen seconds.
The person on the phone didn’t speak for a while. I thought it was a signal problem and asked.
“Are you out playing?” His voice was a bit fainter.
“Yeah, at the seaside.”
“Can we meet when you get back?”
I was sitting on the sand, the sun making me feel listless. I looked at the deep – blue waves rolling up one after another.
“Okay.”
……
Zhou Jiang made an appointment at an expensive and exquisite foreign restaurant as usual.
In that kind of environment, there was a suitable faint fragrance in the air. The passing waiters were polite. The plates were big, the food was scarce, the air – conditioning was strong, the lights were bright, and the floor was high.
Of course, there wasn’t much popularity either.
Just like my relationship at that time, it seemed glamorous on the surface, but there was no real emotion inside.
I re – booked a coffee shop that could be found everywhere on the street and arrived half an hour early.
But when I got there, I found that Zhou Jiang was already sitting inside.
He smiled and handed me the menu, asking if I had any recommendations.
“It’s my first time here too.” I smiled, “Let’s just order the specialties.”
“Have you been busy these days?” I really couldn’t find a way to start the conversation, so I could only ask politely. Actually, it was true. We had known each other for four years, and now our interactions were still mostly polite.
He took the mocha from the tray and placed it in front of me, “Not too bad. What about you? How was your trip? Do you want to go anywhere else? We… can go together.”
I shook my head, “No time. School starts in August. I have to go there in advance to sort things out, look for a place to live.”
He slightly frowned, “August?”
I nodded, “I applied to a school in the UK.”
He stared at me for two seconds, “You’re going abroad?”
“Yeah, to get some experience and learn different things.”
The smile on his face gradually faded, “Does your brother know?”
“Yeah.”
“How long?”
I held the coffee cup, “It’s currently planned for three years, but it depends on the study progress and further education.”
He gave a bitter smile, “I didn’t know anything. I was still thinking about how to talk to you more.”
I put away my polite smile, “Don’t think too much. I definitely didn’t run abroad to avoid you. I really want to study abroad for a few years. Since I was a kid, my parents and brother have taken care of everything. I also want to live on my own for a while.”
In the end, he just stared at me, not saying anything for a long time.
Finally, he wanted to send me home. I raised my phone to show that I had already called a car and still refused him.
I didn’t want to give him any chance. After getting out of this not – so – intimate relationship, we were actually still strangers to each other.
……
On the day I left, my brother wanted to send me to the airport. Although my parents seemed indifferent, they still gave me a thousand instructions. After saying goodbye to my friends and classmates who came to see me off, I was about to turn around to go through the security check. For some reason, I still looked back. At that glance, I saw Zhou Jiang standing beside the distant pillar.
The weather had been changeable these two days. After a rain, it was a bit cold. Zhou Jiang was wearing a long black thin windbreaker. He was still handsome. I smiled at him.
He looked at me expressionlessly, then suddenly took a few big steps forward, grabbed my arm, and pulled me into his arms. His forehead pressed against my shoulder, and he whispered in my ear, “I said I won’t let go, Jiang Lai.”
A long time ago, when I was in a relationship with him, every time we parted, every time a date ended, he would stand by the roadside with his coat in his arms, watching me leave. I always wanted to linger in his arms like other couples, but I never dared.
Afraid of rejection, afraid of embarrassment, afraid of looking bad, and also afraid that our already precarious relationship would fall apart.
Now, everything was over. This belated hug from Zhou Jiang seemed so redundant and out of place.
I pushed him away, “Zhou Jiang, don’t do this. It’s meaningless.”
13
In the first semester there, I had a lot of trouble just keeping up with the courses of the white – haired foreign old man. Adapting to various aspects of life and study also left me with no time for other things.
It rained a lot here, and I got into the habit of always keeping an umbrella in my bag.
Just one month after starting school, my parents came to see me on the pretext of traveling.
I finally had a small hot – pot again, and I couldn’t help but think of that person.
But it was just a fleeting moment. It seemed that he was already very far away from me. However, we had never really gotten close either.
In the first month here, being in a strange place with unfamiliar people, surrounded by white – skinned and blue – eyed foreigners, I was actually very lonely.
So when Zhou Jiang’s message appeared, there was a faint joy in my heart, but this joy also made me fall into self – loathing for a long time.
I took this self – loathing out on myself and completely blocked his messages even more. It was just a withdrawal reaction.
There were occasional relapses during the process of quitting, so I could only use more forceful means.
It was not until November when the temperature gradually dropped, and a thin layer of snow covered the ground. The school was not far from the apartment. I was wearing thick clothes, carrying a schoolbag, and slowly walking back with an umbrella.
When I reached the downstairs of the apartment, I saw a person standing there. His back was handsome. He was wearing a camel – colored overcoat and a light – coffee scarf, with his back to me, looking up at the building in front of him.
I watched for a while. He didn’t move, and neither did I.
Until I called out, “Zhou Jiang.”
His back seemed to pause, and then he slowly turned around. It was sleeting, and his hair was wet. I slowly walked over and held the umbrella over him.
Since he was here, there was no need to ask too many questions.
I took him to the apartment to tidy up. His overcoat was also wet. I pointed to the location of the dryer for him.
I found a pair of slippers and pajamas that my brother left here, pretending there was a man in the house, and gave them to him.
He was very quiet, not saying a word, just looking at me.
“Go take a shower. Don’t catch a cold.” I said. The room was warm, but when I gave him the things, I touched his hand, and it was cold.
I went out to class in the morning and had a simple lunch at school. Now it was already five o’clock in the afternoon.
I didn’t know how long he had been standing there.
The sound of water was trickling in the bathroom. With one more person, the atmosphere in the room seemed to change a lot.
I was cooking in the kitchen, cutting potatoes. I felt a faint, familiar fragrance of water vapor behind me, the smell of my shower gel.
“I’ll do it.” This was the first sentence he said since we met.
We had two simple dishes, beef stewed with potatoes and shrimp. We ate around the coffee table while watching a movie I randomly found on TV.
“Do you want something to drink?” I wanted to get up and get something to drink.
He was sitting next to me, and he grabbed my hand. Our palms were pressed together, and his hand finally became warm.
I looked back at him.
It was too ambiguous.
Whether it was the smell of my shower gel on him, the knees that touched when sitting on the carpet, or the fact that he was holding my hand at this moment, even the lights seemed to have become mood – setting lights.
I pulled my hand away, poured two glasses of milk, and this time sat opposite him.
“Are you happy here?” He hardly used to talk while eating.
I picked up a piece of potato and put it in my bowl, “It’s okay.”
“I’m not happy.” I frowned and looked at him. I couldn’t believe such words could come out of his mouth.
“I’ve been unhappy all the time. I often go to the area around your school, either passing by or going there on purpose. I also often go to that bar. I miss you very much and I’m not used to it.” His voice was actually quite flat, without much emotion, but there seemed to be a strong meaning in his words.
I interrupted him, “Zhou Jiang, what exactly are you now?”
“What am I?” he repeated in a low voice, “I can’t bear to let you go. I want to keep watching you. I,” he looked up and stared straight at me, “I don’t want to let you go. I like you.”
When his voice fell, I suddenly felt like laughing, and also a bit confused.
I took a breath, “Hurry up and eat. After that, go to the hotel.”
“Jiang Lai.” There was a hint of anger in his voice.
I put down my chopsticks and took out the clothes he had just put in the dryer and placed them on the armrest of the sofa.
“Jiang Lai,” he just called my name deeply, sitting in his original position without moving.
“I won’t see you off. I still have homework. After you finish eating, put the plate here. I’ll clean it up later.” Then I went into the study.
Before opening the wooden door of the study, I looked back at him again, “Zhou Jiang, don’t come here again in the future. It’s not good. Even if you come, don’t come to see me. I think my attitude is very clear. I’m not throwing a tantrum for you to coax me. I’m quite sober. If there was a chance for us to turn things around, I would have raised the problems instead of breaking up. For me, breaking up means there’s no future.”
……
My life gradually became regular and fulfilling.
The teachers here spoke too fast, so I usually had to record the lectures and then listen to them twice with the textbook in private. I had to spend twice as much time as my classmates on the same courses every day. In addition, there were assignments, group discussions, and many practical projects, as well as new friends and classmates I made here.
Facts proved that being tough on myself worked much better. Not thinking, not listening, not asking, it was just a matter of time before he faded from my memory.
To be honest, the last few words Zhou Jiang said made my heart tremble a bit. After all, it was what I had been pursuing for a long time.
But I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
No matter what, the relationship between me and him was always unequal. When I liked him, he was heartbroken by his ex – girlfriend. When I was looking forward to him, I was dispensable to him.
In the three – year relationship, over 1000 days, the enthusiasm I reignited was repeatedly extinguished. I no longer had the spark, and I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes.
14
I rubbed my forehead and vigorously rubbed my face.
I opened my tablet, put on my earphones, and started studying.
When I finished writing the last question, the time at the bottom of the computer had changed to start with 12.
I rubbed my sore neck and arms, pushed the door open, and walked towards the living room. Only when I saw the person quietly sitting on the sofa did I suddenly come back to my senses.
Zhou Jiang was at my place. He had come today.
He was still in the same position as three hours ago, not moving at all.
Hearing the movement, he turned his head to look at me, and our eyes met unexpectedly.
I poured myself a glass of water first, “There are hotels nearby. It’s not good for you to be here with me, as we’re not related. It will cause a bad impression.”
“Jiang Lai, last time you told me you were stubborn, and I didn’t believe it.”
He turned back, leaned his head back on the sofa, closed his eyes, and seemed to let out a long breath, “I believe it now. But I’m also a person who won’t give up easily.”
Zhou Jiang left in the middle of the night that night, leaving only a lighter on the coffee table in the living room. This was the only proof that he had been here.
……
Due to staying up late every day, fatigue, and the influence of the climate, I unfortunately caught a cold at the beginning of December.
I had a fever and cough the day before, but I didn’t pay attention. I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling weak all over, my throat couldn’t make a sound, and I didn’t even have the strength to pour myself a glass of water.
I was not fully conscious. I knew I had a fever, but I was so dizzy and weak that I couldn’t even get out of bed to get some medicine.
Illness really comes like a landslide. It’s true.
This was the first time I experienced the inconvenience of being alone.
I was in a foreign country, and my parents were thousands of miles away from me.
I fell asleep and woke up again in a daze with a high fever. The buzzing vibration of my phone beside me finally woke me up. I climbed up and grabbed the phone. The class monitor’s name was flashing on the screen.
He also went abroad to study, but not in the same area as me.
“Jiang Lai, I’m at your school. The host should treat me to a meal!” His voice was full of energy and vitality.
I coughed, “I might… need you to save my life. I’m almost burned out…”
I struggled to get up, put on my clothes in a daze, took my temperature, and after looking at it several times, I finally saw that the number started with 4.
Fortunately, the class monitor was reliable. He drove over and quickly sent me to the nearby hospital.
But the whole way was like a dream, and I wasn’t very clear about what I said or did.
When I regained consciousness again, I opened my eyes to see a snow – white ceiling and a pair of big green eyes. I vaguely heard a male voice speaking in a low voice beside me. I looked over the nurse’s shoulder. It wasn’t the class monitor, nor my brother. It was Zhou Jiang.
There was a bitter taste of medicine in my mouth. I moved and found that there was a drip in my hand.
The nurse sister turned her head and said a few words to him, then added some medicine for me. Finally, there were only the two of us left in the ward.
“Do you still feel bad?” Zhou Jiang sat down beside the hospital bed.
“Not really. Where’s my classmate?”
He lowered his eyes and adjusted the hand with the infusion tube for me, “He went out to eat.”
Sitting like this and talking to him was a bit uncomfortable. I sat up with effort. After the fever subsided, I had more strength and didn’t feel as bad.
“Brother Zhou, why are you here?”
I was sitting a bit higher than him, and he looked up at me, “I was on a business trip and passed by, so I wanted to see you. Your classmate answered the phone.”
“Your company is developing well. The business has expanded to Europe, and you need to go on business trips here.”
He was silent for a while, “No, actually, I just came to see you.”
I coughed, “In what capacity? As an ex – boyfriend or as my brother’s friend?”
I let out a long breath, “It’s meaningless, Zhou Jiang. Really, don’t do this. You’re tired, and I’m tired too. Why? This will only make things more and more awkward for you, me, and even my brother. When it’s time to break it off, do it. You know this. I don’t think you owe me much. I don’t need your compensation. I chose this path myself. Whether I regret it or not, it’s my own business.”
“How can I make you understand that you’re doing something useless? I just don’t want to get back together with you. No matter what, feelings can’t be forced. Look at me. I pursued you for three years. Didn’t I try hard during those three years? But we still ended up like this. Can we not go back to the past?”
The ward door was suddenly knocked. The class monitor came in with something in his hand, stared at me for a long time, and then was about to turn around and leave. I winked at him to stay, but he pretended not to see and closed the door with a smile.
Zhou Jiang seemed completely unaware of the change in the surrounding environment. He still slightly lowered his head, “Who says efforts have no results? I felt all your efforts, and I’ve kept them in my heart. You know exactly what I’m thinking. Now if you don’t want to fall in love with me or be with me again, that’s okay. But don’t deprive us of the chance to get along, Jiang Lai. Give me, and also give yourself a chance. I won’t force you anymore. I just want to see you.”
“I’ll also change for the better, learn how to be a qualified lover. In the future, I’ll be the one taking the initiative towards you.”
15
The ward was quiet for a while. I seemed to feel the slight vibration of the liquid dripping drop by drop in the infusion tube, which was transmitted to my hand.
“During these days, I’ve thought a lot. I know I made many mistakes in the past relationship. I was too self – centered and didn’t take your feelings into account. I want to make up for it. I really like you, Jiang Lai.” He looked at me, his eyes sincere.
I leaned back against the headboard, feeling a bit tired. His words were like a heavy burden, pressing on my heart. I didn’t know how to respond.
I had loved him so deeply before, but those memories were also filled with pain. I had tried my best to let go, and now he came back, saying these words, making me feel confused.
“Zhou Jiang, I don’t know what to say. I’ve already tried to move on. You suddenly showing up like this makes me very confused.” I rubbed my temples.
He reached out, as if he wanted to touch my hand, but then retracted it halfway. “I understand. I just hope you can give me a chance, even if it’s just a small one. Let me prove myself to you.”
I looked at him, his face still as handsome as ever, but there was a hint of pleading in his eyes. I had never seen him like this before.
“Zhou Jiang, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of getting hurt again. Those three years, I was constantly looking forward to your love, but in the end, I was always disappointed. I don’t have the courage to go through that again.” I said softly.
He lowered his head, and his voice was a bit hoarse. “I know I was wrong. I won’t let you down this time. Please, Jiang Lai.”
At this moment, the door of the ward was pushed open again. The nurse came in to check on my condition. She looked at us curiously, then started to check the infusion tube and asked me some simple questions.
After she left, the atmosphere in the ward became even more awkward. I didn’t know what to say, and Zhou Jiang seemed to be waiting for my answer.
Finally, I let out a long sigh. “Zhou Jiang, I can’t give you an answer right away. I need some time to think.”
He looked up at me, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. “Okay, I’ll wait. No matter how long it takes, I’ll wait for you.”
The class monitor came in again not long after. He saw the atmosphere in the room and didn’t say much. He just sat down on the other side of the bed and started to chat with me about some interesting things that happened at school.
Zhou Jiang stayed in the ward for a while longer, then he left. Before he left, he told me to take good care of myself and that he would come to see me again.
After he left, the class monitor looked at me with a teasing expression. “So, what’s the situation between you two? I thought you had broken up.”
I leaned back on the bed, feeling a bit helpless. “It’s a long story. I don’t even know what to do now.”
The class monitor patted me on the shoulder. “Well, you should think carefully. But to be honest, that guy seems to be really serious this time.”
I nodded. “I know. But I’m really afraid of getting hurt again.”
The class monitor smiled. “Love is always a bit risky. But if you really like him, maybe you can give it a try. Who knows, maybe this time it will be different.”
I didn’t say anything. I just looked at the ceiling, thinking about what Zhou Jiang had said. I really needed some time to figure out my own feelings.
In the following days, Zhou Jiang came to the hospital to see me every day. He would bring me some food and take care of me. He was very careful and considerate, just like a different person from before.
The class monitor also came to see me from time to time. He would joke around with us, trying to ease the atmosphere.
My condition gradually improved, and soon I was able to leave the hospital. Zhou Jiang offered to help me move back to the apartment, but I refused. I thought it would be better for us to keep some distance for now.
After I returned to the apartment, I started to think seriously about my relationship with Zhou Jiang. I remembered all the good and bad times we had together. I also thought about his words in the hospital, his sincere eyes.
I knew that I still had feelings for him, but I was also afraid of being hurt. It was a very difficult decision.
One night, I was sitting on the balcony, looking at the stars in the sky. I took out my phone and looked at the pictures of me and Zhou Jiang. There were pictures of us when we first met, pictures of our dates, and pictures of us on some special occasions.
Looking at those pictures, my heart softened. Maybe the class monitor was right. Love is always a bit risky. Maybe I should give it a try. Maybe this time, things would be different.
I took a deep breath and made a decision. I would give Zhou Jiang a chance, but at the same time, I would also protect myself. I wouldn’t let myself get hurt as easily as before.
The next day, I called Zhou Jiang. When he heard my voice, he sounded very excited.
“Zhou Jiang, I’ve thought about it. I’m willing to give you a chance, but only one. If you make me disappointed again, I won’t give you any more chances.” I said seriously.
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the phone, and then he said in a very excited voice, “Thank you, Jiang Lai. I won’t let you down. I promise.”
I smiled. “Okay, let’s start over. But this time, we need to communicate more, and you need to understand my feelings.”
He quickly replied, “I will. I’ll do my best. Can we meet today? I want to see you.”
I thought for a moment. “Sure, let’s meet at the coffee shop near my school in the afternoon.”
After hanging up the phone, I felt a bit nervous and excited. I didn’t know what the future would hold for us, but I was willing to give it a try.
That afternoon, I dressed up a bit and went to the coffee shop. Zhou Jiang was already waiting for me there. When he saw me, he stood up and gave me a big smile.
He looked very handsome in a white shirt and black suit. His eyes were full of love and anticipation.
We sat down, and he ordered my favorite coffee. We talked for a long time, about our past, our present, and our future. He listened to me very carefully, and he would hold my hand from time to time, as if he was afraid that I would disappear.
This time, I felt a different kind of feeling from him. He was more attentive, more understanding, and more in love with me.
Maybe, this time, our love would really have a happy ending. I looked at him, and a warm smile appeared on my face.
From then on, Zhou Jiang and I started a new relationship. He was really different from before. He would take the initiative to call me, send me messages, and he would plan dates for us. He would also listen to my opinions and respect my feelings.
We traveled together during holidays, visited many beautiful places, and created many beautiful memories.
As time passed, our relationship became deeper and deeper. I gradually forgot the pain of the past and started to believe in our love.
Finally, one day, under the star – filled sky, Zhou Jiang proposed to me. He held a bouquet of roses and a ring in his hand, looking at me with a loving expression.
“Jiang Lai, I love you. Will you marry me?” he asked.
I looked at him, tears of happiness in my eyes. I nodded and said, “Yes, I will.”
He put the ring on my finger, and then he hugged me tightly. At that moment, I felt that I was the happiest person in the world.
Our love story, after so many twists and turns, finally had a beautiful ending. And I believed that our future would be even more beautiful.
