On the first day of my death, my boyfriend brought his first love back home.
They kissed on the sofa I bought as if no one else was around, ate the celery – filled dumplings I made by hand, and used the game console I gave him.
One day, his first love asked curiously, “Where’s An’an?”
My boyfriend replied calmly, “She had a fight with me a few days ago and applied for a business trip with the company.”
Oh, he still didn’t know I was dead.
1
On Jiang Zhao’s birthday, I got into a car accident on my way back and died on the spot.
My soul floated in the air, wanting to see Jiang Zhao one last time.
Just then, I saw Jiang Zhao bring his first love, Chen You, back to our home.
Under the dim light, Chen You’s fair face was flushed, as if she was very drunk, hanging on Jiang Zhao like she had no bones.
“A Zhao, A Zhao…”
Jiang Zhao steadied her by the waist, brushed aside her messy hair, and patiently answered her calls.
Jiang Zhao, who was always cold, was only this gentle when facing her.
Seeing this scene, even though I was prepared, my heart still ached.
Since learning the news of Chen You’s divorce, Jiang Zhao had been absent – minded, coming home less and less often, and becoming colder and colder towards me.
I found out that Chen You’s ex – husband’s company had gone bankrupt, and he had absconded with the money.
After the divorce, Chen You discovered she was pregnant. People chasing after the debt came to block her every day, and she was so scared that she almost had a miscarriage several times.
These days, Jiang Zhao had been staying with her in the hospital.
The fight I had with Jiang Zhao was also because he wanted to bring Chen You home to take care of her.
“Chen You’s parents once sponsored me. I can’t not help her,” he said.
My eyes turned red. “Is it just because of this?”
Jiang Zhao was silent for a moment, then suddenly extinguished his cigarette. “I’ve said I’ll marry you.”
“Su An, what are you so uneasy about?”
What was I uneasy about?
Actually, Jiang Zhao knew in his heart, but he pretended not to.
That night, I suddenly lost control of my emotions and for the first time, I proposed to break up with him.
Jiang Zhao’s face darkened even more.
He silently carried me into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and said, “Do you know what you were saying just now?”
I trembled and hugged myself. His tall shadow loomed over me. He tore off the buttons of his shirt and almost punitively bit my lips.
“Su An, never mention breaking up to me.”
Cold water poured down from above. The hot breath rolled over my neck, and the face in front of me became blurred.
“Chen You is just staying for a while. When the police find her ex – husband, I’ll send her back.”
He murmured against my ear, “There’s really no chance between me and her.”
I gasped for breath in the struggle, closed my eyes, and threatened,
“For me to agree, I’d have to be dead.”
And then, I really died.
And Jiang Zhao really brought Chen You back.
2
I watched as Jiang Zhao put the drunk Chen You on the sofa and wiped her face with a hot towel.
“… You’re pregnant. You shouldn’t have drunk so much.”
He said in a deep voice, but his tone was gentle, just like when he used to scold her for not listening to the teacher in class.
I didn’t know if Chen You heard him. She mumbled, saying her head hurt.
Jiang Zhao smiled helplessly, helped her up, and put his long fingers on her forehead. His fingertips pressed gently, moving from her forehead to the back of her ears and temples.
It was a warm scene, but it made my heart tighten. It seemed to stop for a few seconds and then start beating again rapidly.
I was in a trance for a moment.
Right after we graduated from university, Jiang Zhao’s grandmother passed away. And because of Jiang Zhao’s family background, Chen You’s parents didn’t agree to their relationship and forced Chen You to go on a blind date and get married.
I accompanied Jiang Zhao through that half – year of darkness.
Half a year later, he accepted my confession.
Later, he decided to start a business and often went out to socialize and drink.
I also used to wipe his face like this, cook him hangover soup, and take care of him all night long.
The next day, with dark circles under my eyes and looking exhausted, Jiang Zhao stared at me for a long time, sighed, and let me lie on his lap and massaged me.
I was a little flattered and also very comfortable being kneaded by his moderate strength. I even became a bit willful.
“Jiang Zhao, you’re not allowed to massage anyone else in the future, okay?”
I regretted it as soon as I said it.
Just as I was about to say something to make up for it, I heard Jiang Zhao laugh softly above me, “Okay.”
He said okay at that time.
But.
After all, how could Chen You be considered someone else.
I was just suddenly an exception for Jiang Zhao, while she had always been his preference.
3
I suddenly felt that I should leave this place.
I couldn’t even stand watching Jiang Zhao massage Chen You. What if they rekindled their old feelings one day, hugged? Kissed?
Or even…
At the thought of this, a sharp pain surged in my chest. It felt like a row of ants crawled up my back, and I became restless, running towards the door desperately.
But as soon as I touched the door, a tearing pain suddenly came, even more painful than when I had the car accident and fell off the cliff and was smashed to pieces.
I didn’t have time to scream before my body was pulled back.
After several attempts, my face was deathly pale, and my whole body was soaked in cold sweat. I finally realized one thing –
I couldn’t leave this room.
Or rather, I couldn’t leave Jiang Zhao.
Suddenly, I lost all my strength.
I numbly continued to watch the two of them.
Jiang Zhao had finished massaging Chen You and was about to leave when a hand hooked around his neck.
Chen You opened her eyes.
The two looked at each other.
“A Zhao, do you still like me?” Chen You asked directly.
Jiang Zhao stared into her eyes. “I hate you.”
Chen You’s face turned pale.
His palm covered her side face, and his fingertips gently rubbed across it. With a sigh, he said,
“But I’ve never forgotten you either.”
I curled my lips sarcastically.
A smile spread across Chen You’s eyes and brows. As if she suddenly thought of something, her eyes sparkled.
“What about Su An? She’s been with you for five years. What do you feel for her?”
Jiang Zhao was stunned. He moved his lips but didn’t say anything.
The atmosphere suddenly became quiet.
Chen You’s face changed slightly, and her scrutinizing gaze fell on him.
The next second, she slightly raised her neck and kissed his lips.
Jiang Zhao’s body stiffened obviously, but only for a moment. Then he took the initiative, pulled her waist with his big hand, made her sit on his lap, and his fingers clasped the back of her head, deepening the kiss.
Suddenly, a wave of nausea welled up in my head. I covered my mouth, afraid that my churning stomach would reach my chest the next second.
“A Zhao, he’s already left me. Don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone.” Chen You panted softly, pleading against his lips.
“I know you only feel gratitude and guilt towards her. The person you really like is me…”
Chen You’s kisses landed on his collarbone. She paused slightly and reached out to unbutton his shirt –
Jiang Zhao suddenly pressed her hand.
“No.”
His voice was cold and deep, and his eyes were extremely cold.
A chill emanated from him and gradually spread, making me, a soulless being with no sense of temperature, shiver.
Chen You stared at him blankly, as if she never thought she would be rejected. “Is it because of Su An that -“
I also stared at him blankly, and my uncontrolled heartbeat became chaotic.
Jiang Zhao was silent for a while, then lowered his eyes, showing no emotion. “Youyou, I have a girlfriend now.”
“Doing this isn’t good for you.”
Chen You understood and slightly raised the corners of her lips. “I’ll wait for you.”
I also understood and smiled sarcastically.
Jiang Zhao meant that before we broke up, he and Chen You wouldn’t have any physical transgressions.
This had nothing to do with his character or how much he respected me as his legitimate girlfriend. He just didn’t want Chen You to bear any stigma or moral condemnation.
He cherished and protected her so much.
As I laughed, big tears fell from my eyes.
4
After coaxing Chen You to sleep, Jiang Zhao smoked alone on the balcony.
He stood tall and straight, almost blending in with the night, with only the red glow of the cigarette tip shining.
There was scarcely any expression on his face, and his fingertips kept rubbing the cigarette repeatedly, indicating that he was extremely agitated at the moment.
I was forced to float less than two meters away from him, looking at him coldly.
He had already declared his feelings to the woman he was in love with. I had no idea what was still bothering him.
Oh, we hadn’t broken up yet.
Probably because of what happened just now, he was unsatisfied.
I thought.
Suddenly, his phone rang.
Jiang Zhao almost immediately opened his phone, and his pitch – black eyes stared intently at the screen.
The next second, a glimmer of disappointment flashed in his eyes.
I was suddenly curious and floated behind him to openly peek at the screen.
When I saw it, I was stunned –
Jiang Zhao had opened our WeChat chat interface.
Since that big fight, we hadn’t contacted each other again.
The last chat record was a message I sent him: “Comrade Xiao Zhao’s birthday is coming up in seven days. What gift do you want?”
He might have been too busy with work that day or taking care of Chen You in the hospital and didn’t reply.
Now, Jiang Zhao’s fingers slid up and down unconsciously, refreshing WeChat, as if this would make a message come from the other side.
I didn’t know how to react.
In a daze, Jiang Zhao had already sent a WeChat message.
Jiang Zhao: “It’s half past eleven.”
In an instant, I understood his reminder.
It was half past eleven at night, and his birthday was almost over.
I, his girlfriend who had never missed his birthday in five years, who always cooked him longevity noodles and made celery dumplings, hadn’t said “Happy Birthday” to him this year.
But I wouldn’t say it anymore.
Never again in the future.
Because I was dead.
5
Jiang Zhao stood on the balcony for a full half – hour. When he returned to the living room with a body full of cold air, his face looked very ugly.
He stared at the phone screen for the last two seconds and then threw it on the sofa irritably.
He took long strides, took out a bag of celery dumplings from the refrigerator that I had made last time and didn’t finish, and had frozen on purpose.
He thawed the dumplings expressionlessly, cooked them, sat at the dining table, and lowered his head to eat them seriously one by one.
The gray – white smoke wafted up to his eyebrows, making him look even colder and more distant.
Looking at his quiet appearance of eating dumplings, a thought suddenly popped into my mind.
Jiang Zhao probably cared about me a little.
I was surprised and then realized.
Actually, strictly speaking, today wasn’t Jiang Zhao’s birthday.
Jiang Zhao’s real birthday was a week ago.
But five years ago on that day, Jiang Zhao’s grandmother passed away, and Chen You also left him. Jiang Zhao didn’t want to celebrate his birthday anymore.
It was I who suggested changing his birthday to a week later, and I was the one who always took the initiative to make arrangements to celebrate his birthday.
I was an orphan. When I was in the orphanage, my birthday was the happiest day of the year for me.
I just wanted him to be happy too.
The first time I celebrated his birthday, I secretly spent months learning the games he liked to play. I had planned to stay up all night with him to clear the levels, but I fell asleep on his lap at two o’clock.
When I woke up, Jiang Zhao above me was crossing his arms, his cold eyes curving slightly, looking at me with a half – smile. “All – night?”
The second time, I cooked a big table of dishes and cut several of my fingers. In the end, only the longevity noodles and celery dumplings were edible.
Jiang Zhao ate them all. And he, who was usually taciturn, actually praised the dumplings several times.
I always liked to take advantage of a good situation. I straightened my chest and said,
“Your heart isn’t very good. Eating celery – filled dumplings can lower your blood pressure and heart rate. So I learned very seriously both in terms of appearance and taste.”
Jiang Zhao looked at me for a long time. “Su An, why are you so good to me?”
I smiled. “Because I like you! I really like you.”
Before I could continue my confession, Jiang Zhao held my chin and bent down to kiss me.
Jiang Zhao was always used to hiding his emotions. That was the first time I felt his emotions so openly and passionately.
Then we ended up on the bed.
That night, we were both very inexperienced, exploring each other.
But later, he seemed to have learned it without a teacher. He held my waist, and his dark, deep pupils reflected my tear – stained face.
It was silent and intense until the early hours of the morning.
But it turned out that being persistent was quite useful. The third and fourth times I celebrated his birthday, Jiang Zhao acquiesced.
Thinking about it, the five years of whole – hearted dedication and day – to – day companionship had still left a mark in his heart.
6
A “ding – dong” sound brought back my wandering thoughts.
Jiang Zhao also seemed to be in a daze. He didn’t even notice that the spoon had fallen to the ground.
I subconsciously bent down to pick it up. My non – physical hand passed right through the spoon, and I was stunned for a moment.
Then the spoon was picked up by another hand.
“What are you eating?” Chen You’s gentle voice sounded in the room.
I spread out my palm, looked at my hands that were becoming more and more blurred and almost unable to take shape, and then looked at Chen You’s long, white hands.
I suddenly felt a bit inferior.
Obviously, before I died, my hands were also very beautiful.
Now I can cook a big table of delicious dishes and easily clear the levels of games, but now I can’t even touch anything.
“What flavor are these dumplings? They smell so strange.” Chen You brought another spoon and slowly stirred the dumplings in Jiang Zhao’s bowl.
Jiang Zhao frowned slightly, but still answered, “Celery.”
Chen You nodded indifferently, looked up at Jiang Zhao, and asked, “Why did An’an say today is your birthday?”
Jiang Zhao was slightly stunned.
Chen You smiled frankly. “Your phone was on the sofa just now, and I looked at your chat record.”
Then she added, “I didn’t expect your lock screen password to never change, 0802, the day we first met.”
Jiang Zhao lowered his head, and I couldn’t see the emotion in his eyes.
My heart still ached a little.
Before, I had coquettishly asked Jiang Zhao to change the lock screen password to the day we got together, but he had always refused.
So it was because of her.
“Answer my question quickly. Why did Su An say today is your birthday?”
I stared coldly at Chen You.
Before, Jiang Zhao had promised me that this was a secret only between him and me, and he wouldn’t tell anyone –
“Many bad things happened five years ago on that day. She said she would postpone my birthday by a week and kept coming up with ways to celebrate it for me.”
That familiar voice was as deep and cold as ever.
I bit my tongue hard, and a bloody sweetness quietly welled up, spreading everywhere.
I suddenly felt like laughing, at myself.
Chen You was silent for a moment. “She was really good to you.”
“Did she make these dumplings too? Specifically for your birthday?”
“Yeah.”
“You coaxed me to sleep first just to eat this? To keep your promise with her?”
Jiang Zhao didn’t answer.
The atmosphere fell into silence.
Chen You quickly scooped up a dumpling and suddenly said, “I want to eat it.”
“No way!” I let out a heart – rending scream.
No one could hear me.
I reached out to grab her spoon.
I couldn’t touch it.
Jiang Zhao’s eyes darkened slightly. He grabbed her wrist and warned in a low voice, “Chen You.”
Chen You stared into his eyes and repeated word by word, “I want to eat it.”
“A Zhao, I’ll celebrate every birthday of yours with you from now on.”
She was forcing him to make a choice.
Jiang Zhao’s jaw tightened, and a glimmer of struggle flashed in his dark pupils. After a long time, he slowly let go of Chen You’s hand.
Chen You got to eat the dumpling as she wished.
I stared blankly, and tears kept streaming down from the corners of my eyes.
It was like knives were cutting open my heart one after another, making it bloody and torn.
These weren’t just dumplings.
These weren’t just dumplings.
These days, I floated in the corner, indifferently watching them. It seemed that I had lost all emotions.
But I didn’t know if it was my illusion. After that day, Jiang Zhao’s attitude towards Chen You became much colder.
Apart from playing games together, he didn’t have any other intimate actions with Chen You, and even deliberately avoided her touches.
One day, Chen You suddenly asked, “I’ve always forgotten to ask, where’s Su An?”
Jiang Zhao paused and replied in a calm tone, “She had a fight with me a few days ago and applied for a business trip with the company.”
Chen You laughed. “You haven’t contacted each other for so many days. Maybe she already wants to break up with you.”
Jiang Zhao’s eyes were gloomy, and he said firmly, “Impossible.”
As he spoke, he subconsciously took out his phone and checked the chat interface between him and me. A rare hint of unease and anxiety appeared between his brows.
Oh, he still didn’t know I was dead.
I suddenly became curious about his reaction when he found out.
7
The next day, Jiang Zhao received the ring I sent him—the engagement ring he gave me.
A month ago, Jiang Zhao and I went to a restaurant for dinner.
Half – way through, the man sitting opposite me suddenly stood up, took out a ring without warning, and knelt down on one knee.
He was dressed in a neat suit, noble and handsome, as if he had dressed up carefully. But his finger bones were slightly white due to nervousness.
People around were cheering. He smiled, looking at me with burning eyes. “An’an, marry me.”
My eyes were red from crying. I stretched out my hand tremblingly and let him put the ring on my ring finger.
That night, I was extremely enthusiastic. I held his head and watched the broken light shadow on the ceiling sway all night.
I was an orphan. After being adopted by my adoptive parents, they had a son the next year.
A few years later, they sent me back to the orphanage with a random excuse.
What was the excuse? Something like I liked to steal things.
—If eating the chicken leg left by my younger brother when I was extremely hungry counted as stealing.
Probably because of this, when someone suspected me of stealing the class fee at school, Jiang Zhao stood up for me. At that moment, he entered my heart.
Later, I was adopted by a not – so – wealthy couple.
They were very good to me, but I was still cautious and behaved myself. Even when I was growing up, I only dared to serve half a bowl of rice.
Just when I finally opened my heart to them, they died in a car accident on the way to my parents’ meeting.
I went back to the orphanage again.
No one wanted to adopt me anymore.
My name is Su An, but I’ve never had a stable life.
I really hoped to have a real family.
Now, Jiang Zhao proposed to me.
I thought I was finally going to have a family.
But.
Chen You came back.
She wasn’t doing well, and the first person she thought of wasn’t her parents, but Jiang Zhao.
And my boyfriend, my fiancé, also dutifully helped her and even wanted to bring her home to take care of her.
After that unhappy encounter, I applied for a business trip with the company and went to Hangzhou.
After thinking for a week, I mailed the engagement ring back.
—I wanted to break up with him.
That was the ring Jiang Zhao received today.
The moment he saw the ring, his face darkened as if it could drip water, and his eyes were like a layer of unmelting ice.
He kept sending me messages and calling me, asking me what I meant.
He smoked one cigarette after another. His facial features became colder and harder, and the anxiety between his brows almost overflowed.
The message prompt of “unreachable” kept coming from the other side.
Not until he didn’t know how many cigarettes he had smoked and the cigarette box was empty did he lower his eyelids and say very softly,
“Su An, do you really want to leave me?”
Yes.
I had already left, completely left.
You can finally be with Chen You as you wished.
I replied softly, even though he couldn’t hear me.
Suddenly, I thought of something.
I’m usually a decisive person. Since I had already returned the ring to him and decided to break up, why did I come back to celebrate his birthday?
I tried hard to recall, always feeling that I had forgotten something important.
8
I found that Jiang Zhao was distracted for longer periods.
One night, when he was working in the study, Chen You thoughtfully brought him coffee. Jiang Zhao didn’t look up and blurted out,
“An’an, it’s too late now. You go to rest first.”
Chen You stared at him blankly.
Jiang Zhao was also stunned. He said a low “sorry,” then raised his hand to rub his forehead, as if trying to cover something up.
After that, he seemed to be in a daze, staring at the page of the plan without turning it, and not noticing Chen You, whose face looked ugly beside him.
The next day, Chen You went to clean Jiang Zhao’s bedroom.
Whether it was a test or by accident, she quietly packed up the things that belonged to me and “accidentally” scattered the Lego that Jiang Zhao and I had put together.
When Jiang Zhao saw it, he rarely showed a cold face to her. “Don’t touch these.”
Then he shook off her hand and focused on putting the scattered building blocks back together one by one.
He spent as long as it took to piece the Lego back together, and Chen You watched him in silence for the same amount of time.
During his interactions with Chen You, Jiang Zhao often got distracted.
He would get distracted when he saw the sunflowers I planted on the balcony, the clothes I bought for him in the closet, or the little goldfish I raised in the fish tank.
Even when chatting with Chen You, when he heard her unconsciously say the word “An,” he would suddenly freeze.
I floated in mid – air, calmly watching Chen You’s face turn paler and paler.
Not only Chen You, but I also realized it.
—Jiang Zhao seemed to be gradually seeing his own feelings clearly.
I squinted my eyes and stared at the man on the sofa whom I had loved all my life.
He seemed a bit drunk, his brows knitted together, and a blush on his handsome face.
He was on the phone with his friend, He Zhao.
“Who do you really want, Su An or Chen You?” He Zhao asked.
He was silent for a moment. “Su An has broken up with me.”
“So it’s Chen You?”
He frowned unconsciously.
The other side seemed to have guessed something. “Jiang Zhao, a person’s heart is small. Love can only be given to one person. Go find Su An.”
Jiang Zhao didn’t speak. He lowered his head and gently rubbed the engagement ring with his fingers.
After a long time.
“Okay.”
I watched him silently.
If it was before, seeing this scene might have made me happy.
But now, I was dead.
I was dead.
Restlessness was like ants crawling into my heart, getting deeper and deeper, making me more and more restless. Indescribable emotions were churning in my head, and I could hardly breathe.
9
He Zhao asked him to send Chen You to her parents’ place, and he agreed. At the same time, he bought a plane ticket to the place where I was on a business trip.
That day, he seemed to plan to talk to Chen You about this. As soon as he got home, Chen You came out with a bowl of soup.
Chen You, who was always aloof from worldly affairs, had personally cooked a sumptuous dinner today. She also specially made fresh celery dumplings.
“I was wrong that day. I forced you to make a choice. I was just too scared, scared of losing you.”
“I didn’t want to get married at that time either, but my mom threatened me with suicide.”
“During the five years I was married to someone else, I thought about you every day.”
She was wearing my apron, looking at Jiang Zhao with a pathetic and pitiable expression.
Tears streamed down one after another, and the corners of her eyes were red, as if dyed with a layer of rouge.
“I know you have her in your heart now, but I can wait for you.”
“Don’t drive me away.”
She hugged his waist, buried her face in his chest, and grabbed his clothes carefully. Her voice was broken and pitiful.
“At least, stay with me for a while longer. When she comes back, I’ll leave. Okay?”
Jiang Zhao didn’t speak.
But he didn’t push her away either.
He gently sighed and wiped her tears tenderly. “Don’t cry anymore. It’s not good for the baby.”
He was still soft – hearted.
A dull pain spread from my heart, and a strong sense of bitterness surged in my body.
How much do you have to love someone to be disappointed in them again and again?
In these five years, I had exhausted all my enthusiasm and treated him wholeheartedly, only to barely leave a place in his heart.
But she just cried a little, and he compromised.
10
After learning that Chen You would stay for a while longer, He Zhao had a complicated expression. “Aren’t you afraid that Su An will really leave you when she finds out?”
“Chen You and I are just friends now.”
Jiang Zhao stood extremely straight, and his face remained unchanged. “When An’an comes back after calming down, Chen You will have left.”
“She won’t know.”
He Zhao sighed and didn’t say anything more.
I watched all this expressionlessly, becoming more and more eager to see Jiang Zhao’s reaction when he found out I was dead.
These days, Jiang Zhao accompanied Chen You as promised. They didn’t have any unethical behavior, and their way of getting along was indeed like that of ordinary friends.
And I had been trying hard to recall what I had forgotten, why I had come back to celebrate his birthday.
There was a vague feeling that when I remembered this matter, my soul would no longer be bound to Jiang Zhao, and I would get true liberation.
But every time I tried to recall, my head would hurt as if it was about to burst.
Just when I was disheartened, Jiang Zhao accompanied Chen You to the mall. When they saw baby products, Chen You pulled him in.
Chen You picked up a princess dress, covered her lips, and smiled.
“I really hope I have a daughter in my belly so that I can buy her all kinds of beautiful dresses.”
“A Zhao, do you like a son or a daughter?” Chen You asked curiously.
“A daughter,” Jiang Zhao said, the corners of his lips slightly rising. His eyes fell on those baby products.
Under the sunlight, his pitch – black pupils reflected a few glimmers of light, looking a bit gentle. “Su An likes daughters.”
Then he added, “I’ll like whatever she gives birth to.”
I stood there in a daze.
The floodgates of memory suddenly opened, and my head ached terribly. Countless images rushed in like wild horses running out of control.
I don’t know how long it took. I lay motionless on the ground.
I cried and then laughed, laughed and then cried.
I tremblingly put my hand on my abdomen.
I remembered.
The reason I came back to celebrate Jiang Zhao’s birthday and wanted to give each other another chance was because –
I was pregnant.
After getting the diagnosis report, I thought about it all night and finally decided to have a good talk with Jiang Zhao.
The day before his birthday, I rushed over overnight.
I planned to tell him this news as a birthday gift in person.
In the car, I stroked my belly while imagining Jiang Zhao’s expression when he learned the news.
Would he laugh?
Probably not. He always had that poker – faced look. At most, he would slightly pull the corners of his lips and look at me seriously, saying, “Su An, actually, I’m quite happy that you’re pregnant.”
Would he be as expectant as I was about this child?
Probably.
On the night of the proposal, he was panting slightly in my ear, his breath warm. “Su An, after we get married, let’s have a child.”
“I’ve always known that you want a big family.”
Yes, I wanted a big family.
How well Jiang Zhao knew me.
Thinking about it, I actually laughed.
The driver saw this from the rear – view mirror and asked me what I was laughing about.
I didn’t answer. I just told him to focus on driving with a smile, because it was raining so heavily outside, and safety came first.
The journey was a bit boring. I resisted the urge to directly send Jiang Zhao a message and started scrolling through Weibo.
Then I found that someone had followed me.
It was Chen You.
I opened Chen You’s Weibo.
I found that all her posts were photos of Jiang Zhao.
From the photos on her Weibo, I saw how Jiang Zhao had taken care of her meticulously in the hospital these days, and how their old feelings had rekindled step by step.
They were like a newly – married couple who had just had a child.
“The injection hurts, but with you by my side, I’m not afraid.”
—The accompanying picture was Jiang Zhao’s calm side – face and their two hands holding each other.
“After going through so much, you’re still the best to me.”
—The accompanying picture was Jiang Zhao, who was always a clean – freak, lowering his head to peel shrimp for her.
“I secretly kissed you last night when you fell asleep by the bedside. I know you weren’t asleep.”
This Weibo post had no picture.
But Jiang Zhao liked it.
I stared at the screen, my heart tightening suddenly. I felt the blood rushing to my head.
How much dirty stuff does a person have to see in their life?
I didn’t want to see it anymore.
And then, God really didn’t let me see it anymore.
At the edge of the cliff, a red heavy – duty truck suddenly lost control and crashed straight into us. Our car rolled down the cliff with us in it, and then there was an explosion.
I went there full of anticipation and joy.
But I died with despair and hatred.
The strong shock made me lose this part of my memory temporarily. But the deep – seated hatred made my soul leave my body and follow Jiang Zhao.
So, it wasn’t because I loved him that I couldn’t leave him.
It was because I hated him.
When I died with the baby in my belly.
What was Jiang Zhao doing?
He was taking care of someone else and their child.
Maybe sensing something, Jiang Zhao, who was talking to Chen You, suddenly frowned and subconsciously looked around, but found nothing.
At this time, his phone rang.
He Zhao’s trembling voice came from the other end of the phone. “Jiang Zhao, I have something to tell you. Don’t get excited.”
“I have a brother who’s a traffic policeman. There was a serious traffic accident at his place. All the passengers and the driver died. The identity of a pregnant woman wasn’t found out until today.”
“That pregnant woman was Su An.”
11
I had imagined countless times how Jiang Zhao would react when he found out about my death.
Now, I finally saw it.
This man, who had been talking and laughing with his first love just now, was stunned for a moment when he heard the news, his brows furrowed. “Don’t make such jokes.”
“It’s true…”
Jiang Zhao was stunned for a few seconds, then shouted harshly, “He Zhao, don’t make such jokes.”
“A week ago, the taxi she was in collided with a truck, fell off the cliff, and exploded. Because there were only a few charred body parts at the scene, and the police didn’t receive a missing person report from the pregnant woman’s family, it took a whole week…”
He Zhao on the other side choked up, as if he couldn’t continue.
“After a whole week, the police finally confirmed Su An’s identity through DNA comparison…”
Jiang Zhao’s face gradually changed. He seemed to stiffen like a wooden or clay sculpture.
“Jiang Zhao, she was pregnant. Did you know that?”
“She was missing for a week. Didn’t you go look for her?”
With He Zhao’s questioning, Jiang Zhao’s face became bloodless, and his lips were trembling violently.
“Impossible, impossible… You’re lying to me.”
“A Zhao…” Chen You looked at him worriedly and reached out to gently hold his hand.
He Zhao on the phone paused, and his tone was hard to tell whether it was sarcastic or mocking. “You’re with Chen You now?”
The air was quiet for several seconds.
“Right. During the week Su An was missing, you were with her all the time.”
Jiang Zhao was stunned, and almost immediately reacted. He forcefully shook off Chen You’s hand, his eyes red, and his expression flustered, like a child who had done something wrong.
“Her body is now in the funeral parlor. The police informed her family to claim it. You go there later.”
He Zhao was silent for a long time.
“She has no family. Only you are left.”
Jiang Zhao stood there blankly, his tall body suddenly hunching a bit. Then he slowly squatted down, curled up motionless, repeating a sentence over and over,
“Impossible, impossible…”
He seemed to only be able to say this sentence.
He didn’t want to believe that I was dead.
I watched this scene coldly and with a sense of relief.
After regaining my memory, I clearly felt the hatred towards him, which almost engulfed me.
But after the pleasure of revenge, an endless sense of fatigue and desolation welled up in my heart.
Both love and hate were too exhausting.
I lived so tiredly, and even in death, I was so tired.
12
After regaining my memory, I didn’t disappear immediately.
Except that my soul became a bit more transparent, I was still restricted to be around Jiang Zhao, but the range of my movement around him became a bit larger.
I followed Jiang Zhao to the funeral parlor.
This man, who had always been emotionless, was now standing stiffly by the door, not even daring to approach.
The staff inside sighed. “It’s not easy to find so many charred remains. The body was pieced together. Alas, I heard she was a pregnant woman.”
“Indeed. Her wrist and finger joints were severely bent and deformed. She must have been trying to protect the baby in her belly at that time.”
Jiang Zhao’s face was deathly pale, and his body swayed slightly. If he hadn’t leaned against the wall, he seemed like he would collapse the next second.
The staff noticed Jiang Zhao: “Are you the family member? Come here.”
Jiang Zhao walked over slowly and unsteadily.
The two people left, and he was alone in the room.
His tall shadow blocked the light from above. His back was straight, and his hands, clenching into fists, exerted so much force that his fingernails dug into the flesh without him noticing.
He looked at my body covered with a white cloth and started talking to himself.
“On the way here just now, I suddenly remembered something that I’ve never told you before.”
His cold voice trembled slightly, but the fluctuation was not large, just like usual.
“We were both very young at that time. One day, I went downstairs to buy something. A little boy was playing around and took the loose change from a blind grandma’s bowl by the roadside. You suddenly rushed over and fought with him. You were so thin, but you held his hand tightly and fiercely. In the end, the little boy couldn’t take it anymore and gave you the one – yuan coin in his hand.”
“I had heard them say before that you were an orphan and liked to steal things.”
“But at that time, with your messy hair and a bruised corner of your mouth, you gasped on the ground for a while, then stood up, put the money into the blind grandma’s bowl, and left calmly.”
“The blind grandma couldn’t see this scene, and the little boy wouldn’t talk about it, but I saw it.”
“After this incident, I couldn’t help but start paying attention to you. My eyes always couldn’t help but fall on you. Later, when someone in the class framed you for stealing the class fee, my first reaction was to stand up for you.”
“I think I’ll never forget the light in your eyes at that moment.”
“Later, your eyes gradually fell on me. You would blush when looking at me and stare at me in a daze.”
“In those years, you were by my side at the school’s outstanding student award – giving ceremony. You brought me water while I was playing basketball. When I won the championship in the sprint race, you presented me with flowers, smiling in congratulations. You accompanied me and the math olympiad competition team as we won the championship.”
“Later, Chen You appeared.”
He paused, raised his hand to cover his face, and something seemed to flow out from between his fingers.
“An’an, it was me who started paying attention to you first, and you also fell in love with me. Why did I fall in love with someone else?”
I watched him silently. I thought I wouldn’t feel anything, but my heart still ached faintly.
Yes.
Why?
I was the one who met him first. How did we end up like this?
I wasn’t originally a lively and cheerful person.
But in front of Jiang Zhao, I always tried to be like a little sun, doing my best to be good to him.
I’ve never been so gentle to anyone else, and I won’t be so gentle to anyone again.
“Su An, the moment I proposed to you, I really wanted to be with you for a lifetime.”
“Su An, talk to me.”
“Talk to me, okay?”
“Su An.”
“An’an.”
“… Wife.”
He called me again and again.
No one responded to him.
He started to get anxious, even irritable. His lips were pale, and he kept shouting my name until his voice became hoarse and he couldn’t shout anymore.
“You clearly said you would never leave me…”
His voice was confused and hoarse, as if squeezed out from the depths of his throat. His shoulders kept trembling, and his eyes were bloodshot, like a desperate and cornered wild beast, looking extremely terrifying and pitiful.
I watched this grief – stricken man quietly.
Perhaps, only at this moment did he truly realize that I was dead.
13
After getting my urn, Jiang Zhao locked himself in the room.
I felt my soul getting weaker and weaker. I curled up on the ground, tired, and fell asleep.
In a daze, I heard Chen You keep pounding on the door, her voice full of urgent sobs.
“A Zhao, it’s been three days. Please eat something, okay?”
“Even if she’s gone, you can’t treat your body like this.”
“If she knew, she would definitely feel heart – broken.”
I woke up from my drowsy sleep, rubbed my eyes, and subconsciously looked at the closed door.
So, three days had passed?
An hour later, He Zhao came.
He kicked the door open simply and roughly. A thick smell of smoke and alcohol immediately spread out from inside.
The dazzling light poured into the room, covering the man on the ground.
There were a bunch of cigarette butts, toppled wine bottles, and my urn beside him.
He was bowing his head, quietly putting together the Lego – the Lego that Jiang Zhao and I hadn’t finished putting together before.
It had only been a few days, but Jiang Zhao looked much thinner. There was a layer of dark stubble on his chin, and his eye sockets were sunken.
“A Zhao…” Chen You’s voice was hoarse.
Hearing the noise, he slowly raised his eyes, like a machine that hadn’t been maintained for a long time. His blood – shot eyes were empty and cold. “Why haven’t you left yet?”
He seemed to be in a daze and said softly, “An’an will be unhappy if she comes back and sees you.”
Chen You’s face turned pale.
While he was in a daze, he suddenly raised his head, a trace of panic appeared between his brows, and he said to Chen You in a cold and heartless tone,
“This is my home with An’an. You have no right to be here.”
Chen You stared at him blankly, as if she couldn’t believe he would say such things to her. Big tears rolled down her face.
Jiang Zhao frowned tightly, as if a bit impatient. “Get out.”
Seeing that he didn’t change his mind, a look of embarrassment flashed in Chen You’s eyes, and she ran away crying.
Jiang Zhao continued to put together the Lego expressionlessly, as if he didn’t care at all.
“If you could have done this earlier…” He Zhao suddenly said.
Jiang Zhao’s face turned deathly pale, and his fingers trembled. The building block in his hand fell to the ground.
He stared blankly at the building block, with pain and sorrow surging in his pupils.
“I had a big fight with her that day. I told her I was going to bring Chen You home to take care of her.”
“If it wasn’t for this, she wouldn’t have applied for a business trip, and she wouldn’t have…”
“The day she had the accident, she took a shortcut. She was rushing back. Rushing back to give me… a birthday.”
“She wanted to give the news of her pregnancy to me as a birthday gift.”
“And what was I doing at that time?”
Jiang Zhao raised his hand to cover his heart, closed his eyes in pain, and said, “While she was away, I brought Chen You home.”
He took a deep breath and started putting together the Lego again, but his fingers were shaking, and the building blocks kept falling.
“He Zhao, I regret it. I really regret it.”
He Zhao stood straight, looking at him silently. His voice was very soft:
“They say that those who betray true feelings will sooner or later be punished.”
“But with her death as the price, isn’t she too pitiful?”
Jiang Zhao’s eyes were red, and he stared blankly, unable to say a word.
He Zhao let out a long sigh.
“She won’t be happy to see you like this. Jiang Zhao, no matter what, you have to keep living.”
14
A few days later, Jiang Zhao insisted on holding a funeral for me.
It was drizzling, and everywhere was gray. The whole city seemed to be in a haze.
Jiang Zhao didn’t hold an umbrella. He stood silently in front of the tombstone, looking at my black – and – white photo on it.
On the tombstone was engraved: My Deceased Wife, Su An.
One person after another placed white chrysanthemums under my tombstone.
After the funeral, Jiang Zhao kept standing still. The rainwater trickled down his hair, leaving streaks of water marks on his pale cheeks.
He Zhao brought an umbrella and handed it to him.
“Do you know your heart isn’t in good condition? Any cold can trigger an infection. Do you really have to torture your body like this?”
Jiang Zhao expressionlessly threw away the umbrella. “Then let me die of illness.”
Sure enough, after that day, Jiang Zhao got seriously ill.
It was originally just a minor cold, but he refused to take medicine, which triggered an infection. He stayed in the hospital for half a month.
At night, the ward was very quiet.
Jiang Zhao stared blankly at the silent darkness outside the window and said in a very soft, puzzled voice,
“An’an, why haven’t you ever come to my dreams?”
“You once said you would take good care of my heart. Now I’ve made it sick. Come back and see me, okay?”
After being discharged from the hospital, as soon as he recovered from his illness, Jiang Zhao was admitted to the intensive care unit again due to alcoholism and infection.
He Zhao stared coldly at him with empty eyes and slapped him hard. “Since you want to die, it would be better if I slapped you to death.”
“Anyway, when you did those disgusting things at that time, I wanted to slap you for Su An.”
“The person is dead. Who are you showing this look to now! Self – pity?”
“I tell you, if it weren’t for your grandmother being kind to me and asking me to watch over you, I wouldn’t bother with you.”
“If Su An saw your self – righteous behavior, she would only feel disgusted. Do you understand?”
Jiang Zhao’s face was deathly pale, and he stared at He Zhao blankly.
I don’t know if Jiang Zhao listened to He Zhao’s words, but after that day, he was no longer decadent and stopped torturing his body.
He calmly went to work and continued to live a normal life.
But I always felt there was something strange about him.
At night, he would stand on the balcony and smoke for a while. The slowly diffusing smoke blurred his face, but it only added to his loneliness. The coldness around him couldn’t be dispelled.
After smoking, he would go to the refrigerator and take out that bag of dumplings.
There weren’t many dumplings left, probably only a dozen or so. Jiang Zhao would cook a few and eat them every day.
Before going to bed, he would quietly look at my urn for a while and say softly, “Good night.”
I found that I didn’t have to follow Jiang Zhao all the time anymore. I was always dizzy and felt inexplicably sleepy, so I stayed in the room and slept every day.
These days, he seemed to be very busy at work and always came back very late.
I didn’t know what he was busy with until He Zhao called him.
“What do you mean by transferring all the company shares to me?”
He answered calmly, “I just want to take a break for a while.”
“I heard you donated a large sum of money to the orphanage? Is it because of… her?”
Jiang Zhao replied with a faint “hmm.” “You can think of it as me atoning for my sins.”
He Zhao was silent for a moment and then changed the topic.
“Chen You’s ex – husband somehow came back to look for her. They had a dispute. Chen You was pushed by him and had a miscarriage. Her ex – husband went to the police station to surrender himself. Chen You is still in a coma in the hospital. The situation is said to be very bad. She may never be able to have children again.”
Jiang Zhao remained expressionless throughout, as if this matter didn’t arouse any emotion in him. “I’m going to sleep. I’ll hang up first.”
A few more days passed. When Jiang Zhao came back from work, he went to the balcony to smoke as usual.
When he came back and saw that there were only a few dumplings left in the refrigerator, he was stunned for a moment and then suddenly smiled.
It was a relieved, relaxed, and even happy smile.
I slightly frowned.
He didn’t eat the dumplings immediately. Instead, he went to the mall alone.
He made his way to the mother – and – baby section, inquired of the salesperson earnestly and patiently, and purchased some baby products. Subsequently, he approached a flower – selling aunt downstairs and bought a large number of roses.
When paying, the aunt was all smiles.
“Your girlfriend likes to buy flowers from me the most. By the way, I haven’t seen her for a long time. Where did she go?”
Jiang Zhao just stood there quietly for a while. “She’s on a business trip.”
The aunt nodded. “The flowers at night aren’t very fresh. Come back during the day tomorrow, and I’ll give you -“
“No, auntie.” He refused gently but firmly, saying each word clearly. “I’m also going on a business trip tonight.”
The aunt was stunned and covered her mouth to tease him. “I understand. You miss your girlfriend, right?”
“Yeah.” The corners of Jiang Zhao’s lips curved into a faint smile, and his long eyelashes drooped. “I miss her very much.”
“Really, really miss her.”
Back home, Jiang Zhao sat at the dining table, quietly and seriously ate the last few dumplings and drank the soup clean.
Then he took a bath, changed into a clean and tidy set of clothes, put the roses and baby products on the bed, and looked at them with downcast eyes for a while.
After doing all this, he took out a fruit knife from the drawer that he didn’t know when he put there and a bottle of sleeping pills that he didn’t know when he bought.
He opened the bottle of sleeping pills, poured out all the pills, and then picked them up one by one and put them into his mouth.
I trembled all over and stared at him.
An indescribable restlessness was surging in my chest with an irresistible force, rolling over my bones and skin, gradually sweeping through my whole body.
He actually wanted to commit suicide.
When he picked up the fruit knife, pressed it against his wrist, and calmly made a light cut, I screamed,
“Why?”
With a “ding,” the fruit knife fell to the ground.
“An’an…”
Blood beads kept oozing out from the wound on his wrist, and the smell of blood spread. Jiang Zhao seemed not to notice, staring at me blankly and obsessively.
“Sure enough, when a person is about to die, they will see the person they want to see.”
“An’an, I miss you so much…”
I tried my best to control my emotions, and my tone was extremely cold. “But I don’t want to see you at all.”
Jiang Zhao’s face turned pale. He stood up with some difficulty, picked up the bouquet of roses and the baby clothes on the bed, and pulled the corners of his lips into a smile that could be called flattering.
“These are gifts for you and the baby.”
His fingers nervously rubbed the two pieces of clothing, and he lowered his head a little uneasily.
“I didn’t know if it was a daughter or a son, so I bought both kinds.”
I looked at him coldly. “We don’t need them.”
His body stiffened slightly, and he still lowered his eyes. “I know you’re still angry with me. I shouldn’t have quarreled with you that day.”
“Chen You was just my unwillingness from my youth. I’ve always loved you.”
“Really, always, always you.”
“He Zhao said that those who betray true feelings have to pay the price, so I’m here to accompany you.”
“An’an, I was wrong. Forgive me, okay?”
With each word he said, it was like a needle pricking my heart. The nerves that were tense all over my body completely snapped at this moment.
I took a deep breath and suddenly laughed. “Do you know what I saw last when I had the car accident that day?”
Jiang Zhao looked up blankly.
I stared into his eyes and said word by word, “I saw Chen You’s Weibo.”
Jiang Zhao’s face turned deathly pale.
“I saw how you took care of her meticulously in the hospital, saw you hold her hand when she was afraid of getting an injection, saw you carefully peel shrimp for her, saw her test you by secretly kissing you, and saw you like her Weibo post.”
“I died with hatred for you.”
“So, Jiang Zhao, how do you have the face to ask me to forgive you?”
Jiang Zhao’s body swayed, and his whole face lost its color.
He moved his lips but couldn’t say anything, with deep pain and regret in his eyes.
Was this the pain?
It wasn’t enough.
I pulled out a very faint smile and raised my face to ask him, “Jiang Zhao, were the dumplings you ate with Chen You on your birthday delicious?”
Jiang Zhao was slightly stunned. “How did you know -“
His pupils suddenly dilated, as if he realized something, and a large amount of fear spread in his eyes.
I met his gaze, and my smile became brighter.
“Because my soul has never left these days. Jiang Zhao, this isn’t a hallucination before your death.”
“Rather, I’ve been watching you all the time.”
Jiang Zhao froze. It was as if a strong, indescribable, deep despair had swept over his whole body. His lips were trembling violently, and his eyes were so red that they seemed to bleed.
“I watched you kiss on the sofa I bought as if no one else was around, watched you eat the celery dumplings I made, watched you tell her our secret, watched you use the game console I gave you, and watched you choose her over me again and again.”
“Jiang Zhao, the baby and I died in pain and despair, and you knew nothing. You held Chen You, planning how to break up with me and be with her openly.”
I revealed all this bit by bit, as if my heart was screaming. My eyes were sore and swollen, and my vision was blurred.
“So, Jiang Zhao, just because you’ve now realized your true feelings, you want to hypocritically commit suicide to accompany me and prove your so – called deep love? Why?”
Jiang Zhao was already curled up on the ground, holding his head, with empty eyes. Blood – like tears actually flowed from his eyes.
The warm blood flowed down his nose and jaw, dripping onto the two baby clothes, gradually dyeing them blood – red, a vivid and despairing red.
Jiang Zhao seemed to come to his senses suddenly. He stared blankly at the two clothes, his voice dry and stiff. “The clothes are dirty…”
“The clothes are dirty.”
He panicked and tried to wipe them, but the blood from his wrist also dripped onto the clothes. He froze, trembling helplessly, and looked up at me with despair and desolation. “An’an, the clothes for the baby are dirty… What should I do…”
I looked at him, my heart feeling as if it was being tightly grasped by a big hand, so painful that I was almost suffocating. I closed my eyes.
“Jiang Zhao, you don’t deserve to commit suicide. You don’t deserve to accompany us.”
“You must live, and live forever in endless pain.”
The room was extremely quiet.
Jiang Zhao was so quiet that I couldn’t even hear his breathing.
After a long time, he said in a sobbing voice, “Okay.”
Hearing his response, it was as if an invisible shackle had been removed. My soul suddenly felt lighter.
In the last moment of consciousness, I seemed to see Jiang Zhao dialing 120.
He took a deep look at me for the last time.
“I’ve transferred all the company shares to He Zhao. I’ll donate the rest of the money to the orphanage too. An’an, I’ll have nothing. I’ll live a long life, using my whole life to atone for my sins.”
Finally, I closed my eyes, ready to go to a new world.
I hope.
In the next life, I can have parents who love me, a husband who loves me and respects me, and a few beautiful and lovely children.
But please, don’t let me meet Jiang Zhao again.
(The End)
