“I was the lover of a gang lord.
After the lord was executed by firing squad, I was reborn into his 18 – year – old self.
I found the injured young Li Zhan in an alley and pushed him against the wall, then kissed him, saying, “If you dare to fight again, I’ll kiss you until your lips are swollen!”
Li Zhan:?”
1
Three years after Li Zhan was executed, my life also came to an end.
I didn’t mean to commit suicide out of love. I just miscalculated the number of sleeping pills.
I really just wanted to have a good sleep.
Unexpectedly, when I woke up, I was back in 2010.
In this year, my father hadn’t gone bankrupt yet, and everyone who saw him would address him as President Jing.
In this year, I was still a carefree young master who spent money like water.
In this year, I didn’t know Li Zhan.
Li Zhan once told me that he attended high school at Chenghua.
It was such a lousy school that I had never even heard its name.
At that time, Li Zhan was holding me, lazily smoking a cigarette after being satisfied, and said, “There are many dark alleys behind the back gate of Chenghua. I would fight with others there and never lost…”
The 30 – year – old Li Zhan was sharp – edged but restrained. His wildness and arrogance had long been pressed deep into his bones. There was no sign of fierceness on his face. He always had a faint smile when talking to anyone.
Not to mention fighting, he rarely even spoke loudly.
The 30 – year – old Li Zhan was strong but gentle.
Impulsiveness and frivolity seemed far away from him.
We met too late. I didn’t participate in his wild and absurd years.
I couldn’t imagine what the 18 – year – old Li Zhan looked like when fighting.
I said in a hoarse voice, “I really want to see it.”
Li Zhan shook his head with a smile, rubbed the back of my neck, and said, “Forget it, little master. It might scare you away.”
Unexpectedly, one day, I really got to see the 18 – year – old Li Zhan.
As he said.
He might really have never lost a fight.
But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t get hurt.
I just went to the back gate of Chenghua on the off – chance, and unexpectedly, I really found an injured Li Zhan in the alley.
He had a crew cut, was wearing a black T – shirt and sportswear.
When I got closer, I could smell the salty sweat mixed with the faint scent of soap powder.
Li Zhan was sitting against the wall, with a steel pipe thrown at his feet. His eyes were half – closed, and his chest was heaving violently.
It seemed that he had just finished a fight and hadn’t recovered yet.
He took out a cigarette, put it in his mouth, then looked up. The irritability between his brows hadn’t faded completely. When he met my gaze, he said in an unfriendly tone, “What are you looking at?!”
Tsk, he was quite fierce.
I squatted in front of him, carefully tracing his face in the moonlight, and said slowly, “What if I look?”
He left me for three years.
Three years without a good night’s sleep for me.
Can’t I even look at him?
Li Zhan thought I was provoking him. His eyes were fierce. “Are you looking for a beating, kid?”
He looked like he might rush up and beat me down at any moment.
Li Zhan was tall and strong, full of irritability, as if he had the words “Don’t mess with me” written on his forehead.
If I were really 18 years old, I might really be scared by him.
But I wasn’t 18.
I was 38, the widow who had been doted on by Li Zhan for ten years.
He couldn’t scare me.
“You’re already beaten up like this and still not behaving.” I pressed on the bruise at the corner of his mouth without fear. “Does it hurt?”
“Fuck.” Li Zhan was stunned for a moment.
When he came to his senses, he frowned and pushed my hand away. “What’s wrong with you? Stop touching me. Be careful of getting beaten.”
I raised my eyebrows.
I was unhappy.
He used to be eager to stick to me 24 hours a day, but now he wouldn’t even let me touch him?
Li Zhan stood up, leaning against the wall. After a pause, he limped forward.
His left leg was obviously not working well.
I supported him and asked, “Is your leg injured? Come with me to the hospital.”
Li Zhan pushed me away, saying vigilantly and fiercely, “Don’t bother me. Get lost!”
I was thrown out by him and almost fell.
I was so angry that I laughed.
I stepped forward, grabbed Li Zhan’s shoulder, pushed him against the wall, pinched his face, and kissed him, biting him hard.
He was really something.
Got injured from fighting and wouldn’t let others take care of him.
He was fierce to me, pushed me, and scolded me.
Since his mouth couldn’t say anything nice, it was better to shut it up.
Kissing him until he submitted would make him behave.
Li Zhan really became obedient. His eyes widened, his body stiffened, and he even stopped breathing. His face turned bright red.
Oh, right. He was 18 years old this year, a novice who didn’t even know how to kiss.
Fearing that I would suffocate him, I let go of him and gently patted his face. “Breathe.”
Then he took a big breath.
I chuckled. “You were so fierce just now. Scold me again and let me hear.”
Li Zhan: “…”
I said, “Go to the hospital.”
Li Zhan stubbornly stuck his neck out. “No.”
“Huh?”
I moved closer again, and the tip of my lip rubbed against his lower lip.
Li Zhan shrank back in fear and shouted, trying to sound tough, “If you take advantage of me again, I’ll really beat you up!”
If he wanted to beat me, he should just do it.
Why shout.
I held back my laughter and said, “Go to the hospital?”
Li Zhan: “…”
I helped him to the intersection to take a taxi and said slowly, “Don’t fight in the future. If you really have to fight, call me.”
Li Zhan sneered. “Do I know you? You’re meddling in my business? Who do you think you are?”
“My name is Jing Zhao, and I’m your future man.” I turned my head and glanced at him. “If you dare to fight behind my back again, I’ll kiss you until your lips are swollen!”
Li Zhan turned his head away and cursed me in a low voice. “Crazy.”
“What did you say?”
Li Zhan had a blank expression and said very quickly, “I didn’t say anything.”
2
His left leg had a slight fracture, and he got a plaster cast in the hospital.
I asked the family driver to drive the car to the hospital and said to Li Zhan, “Come and live at my place.”
Li Zhan disagreed. “We just met. Don’t you think it’s inappropriate for you to ask me to live at your place?”
I raised my eyebrows. “What are you afraid of?”
Li Zhan snorted. “I’m afraid you’ll sell me.”
I laughed. “Are you worth anything?”
His father who fled from debts, his mother who died of illness, and a poor family.
All Li Zhan had left was his life.
He had nothing to worry about, so he didn’t cherish his life and didn’t plan for the future.
Later, he became a desperado.
Li Zhan was speechless for a moment, then twitched the corner of his mouth and didn’t say anything.
I rubbed his prickly head.
“Your leg is not convenient. You’re alone at home with no one to take care of you. I’m worried. Come and live at my place first. When your leg gets better, I’ll send you home.”
Li Zhan narrowed his eyes and stared at me. “How do you know there’s no one at my home?”
Little wolf cub, so suspicious.
I smiled and made up a story. “Because I have a crush on you and have been paying attention to you for a long time. I even know what color your underwear is, let alone your family situation.”
Li Zhan laughed. “Then tell me, what color is my underwear?”
“Black.”
“Fuck?”
Li Zhan pondered all the way.
After getting off the car, he said in a cold tone, “Hey, I’m not into men. Don’t waste your time on me.”
“Oh.” I helped him walk towards the house and argued unreasonably. “Then why didn’t you dodge when I kissed you just now? You even let me kiss you for so long. Are you playing hard – to – get with me?”
“I…”
I didn’t want to hear his excuses and interrupted him. “Is my lip soft?”
“You…”
“Soft or not?”
Li Zhan was blocked by me twice and said angrily, “This has nothing to do with whether your lips are soft or not. Don’t change the subject.”
“Hehe.” I rubbed his bright red earlobe. “Don’t be ungrateful. You were probably enjoying it when I kissed you.”
Li Zhan stiffened when I pinched him, his breathing became much heavier. He pulled my hand away, unconsciously rubbed it, and said through gritted teeth, “Shut up, will you?”
I secretly raised the corner of my mouth.
I couldn’t handle the 30 – year – old Li Zhan, but the 18 – year – old Li Zhan was easy for me to deal with.
3
My father was on a business trip and not at home.
I didn’t ask the servant to clean the guest room. Instead, I directly took Li Zhan to my room.
When Li Zhan was taking a bath, I leaned against the bathroom door and teased him through the door. “Hey, how’s your leg? Do you need my help? The doctor said you can’t get it wet…”
Before I could finish, I heard a dull thud in the bathroom and Li Zhan’s suppressed groan of pain.
My eyelids twitched, and I suddenly pushed open the bathroom door. “Li Zhan…”
Li Zhan stood up, holding onto the wall. The veins on his neck bulged, and he frowned and said, “It’s okay. I slipped.”
Li Zhan was exposed to my sight.
His 18 – year – old body was not as sturdy as when he was 30, but it was solid enough.
His skeleton was broad and well – proportioned, and his muscle lines were very nice.
On his wheat – colored skin, there were many scars, deep and shallow.
I knew there would be more in the future.
During those years, I kissed his scars more than once.
Every time I saw his scars, I felt annoyed.
Fortunately, now there weren’t too many scars.
Fortunately, Li Zhan was only 18 years old now. I still had a chance to put a collar on this wild dog who didn’t cherish his life.
I closed the door, walked in, and stood in front of Li Zhan.
There was annoyance all over Li Zhan’s eyebrows and eyes. “Who let you in? I can…”
I took off the showerhead and held it in my hand. “Li Zhan, put your hand on my shoulder. I’ll support you.”
Li Zhan gritted his teeth and said, “No need.”
Stubborn bull.
I grabbed his wrist, put his hand on my shoulder, turned on the shower, and avoided his injured leg to rinse him.
My fingers passed over those scars, and I said softly, “Li Zhan, I don’t like seeing you get hurt. Don’t get hurt in the future.”
Li Zhan raised his head, took a deep breath, grabbed my hand, and said in a hoarse voice, “If you want to wash, wash properly. Don’t seduce me!”
“…”
Huh?
I looked down and glanced, and I almost burst out laughing in my heart.
I patted his solid lower abdomen with the showerhead and laughed at him. “Didn’t you say you’re not into men? I haven’t even seriously seduced you yet, and you’re already like this. Your little brother doesn’t seem to listen to you very well. It gives me a lot of face, though.”
Li Zhan didn’t dare to look me in the eye. He lowered his head, and his forehead rested on my shoulder. He said in a muffled voice, “Stop talking…”
His neck was red.
Li Zhan was so innocent now.
If I teased him more, he might explode on the spot.
I turned my head and kissed his ear, coaxing softly, “Do you want me to help you?”
Li Zhan’s breathing became heavier.
I gently bit him. “Beg me, and I’ll help you.”
Li Zhan didn’t move or make a sound.
Forget it. Take it slow.
I moved, trying to push him away.
Li Zhan probably thought I was going to leave. Suddenly, he held my wrist, and the arm on my shoulder tightened, hugging my neck and pulling me into his arms. Half of his body was pressed against me.
He said in a hoarse voice, “Please.”
4
The bath took two hours.
I asked Li Zhan to sleep with me.
He had just been tamed by me, so he didn’t raise any objections.
The bed was big, and we each slept on one side.
After a while, I said, “Li Zhan, if I hold you to sleep, will you hit me?”
“Yes.”
I laughed, turned sideways, and hugged Li Zhan from behind.
His body stiffened for a moment, but he didn’t move.
I slowly tightened my arms.
Tighter, and then tighter.
This way, he couldn’t run away.
He wouldn’t leave me alone.
When I was 25, my father went bankrupt. He jumped off the top of the company building, leaving me a corpse and sky – high debts.
In order to pay off the debts, I borrowed money everywhere, not caring about my dignity or face. I drank and smiled with people at the drinking party, and was drunk until I lost my senses.
Li Zhan was also at that party.
After it ended, I was vomiting while holding onto a tree on the street. Li Zhan handed me a bottle of water and asked, “Short of money?”
I rinsed my mouth and said with a smile, “Desperately short.”
Li Zhan nodded and asked, “Can you accept sleeping with a man?”
I said, “Then you have to pay more.”
Li Zhan crushed the cigarette and smiled. “Coincidentally, I have a lot of money.”
It was really a coincidence.
Li Zhan paid off my debts, and I slept with Li Zhan. We slept together for ten years.
Then Li Zhan died. Before he died, he left me a sum of money and said, “Jing Zhao, don’t sleep with others for money anymore. You might encounter scumbags.”
The last time I went to see Li Zhan, he was smiling, but his eyes turned red. “I regret it. If I had known I would meet you, I should have done good deeds in my first half of life and prayed for a long life. Jing Zhao, I’m worried…”
He didn’t say what he was worried about. He only said, “Jing Zhao, live well.”
His fingertip slid across the glass, as if wiping my tears. “Silly, how could you develop feelings as a secret lover? You’re so unpromising. Don’t cry. It’s not worth it for someone like me.”
Whether it’s worth it or not, Li Zhan doesn’t get to decide. Li Zhan isn’t necessarily more promising than me. He kept a pair of rings close to his heart and never dared to take them out until he died.
Being reborn, I have only one wish – I want Li Zhan to live a long life.
I want to save him. I won’t let Li Zhan go down the old path of being a gangster and走向 that inevitable doomed end.
Since he doesn’t cherish his life, I’ll cherish it for him. Since he doesn’t plan for the future, I’ll plan for him.
No matter what, I’ll drag him out of the abyss and bring him back to the right path, even if I have to pull him forcefully and pester him relentlessly.
I always remember that regret Li Zhan expressed before he died. He didn’t just regret it at the end. He had regretted it for a long time, but he couldn’t say it when he was alive. He only said it when he was about to die.
Li Zhan liked to listen to me talk about my college life. He said he had never been to college.
He said he took the wrong path from the beginning, and later, he could never turn back.
He said, “Who doesn’t want to be clean? But not everyone can be. You have to survive first, and then think about being clean or not.”
He said, “Jing Zhao, when I was young, no one told me what to do or which way to go.”
This time, I’ll hold his hand and tell him how to go. In the past life, what he wanted but couldn’t get, what he wanted to do but didn’t do, I’ll help him achieve.
5
After taking Li Zhan in, I secretly transferred to Chenghua.
I entered the class at noon. The teacher was teaching on the podium, and Li Zhan was dozing off with his head in his arms.
He was the only one sitting in the row in front of the trash can.
I quietly walked over, put my schoolbag next to him, and casually took a book from Li Zhan’s desk.
When I opened it, I was shocked. It was cleaner than my face. He didn’t even write his name.
When the class bell rang and the teacher left the classroom, I kicked Li Zhan’s stool.
The noise was so loud that it immediately silenced the noisy class.
The chubby boy in the front seat nimbly jumped two meters away and warily sized up Li Zhan, who was on the verge of waking up. “New student, I advise you to run now, or you’ll be in danger later.”
Li Zhan was really famous for being fierce.
I politely smiled at the chubby boy. “Thank you for the reminder.”
Then I turned around and kicked Li Zhan’s stool again.
Chubby boy: “!!!”
“Tsk…” Li Zhan moved, but didn’t lift his head. He casually grabbed a book and threw it over, cursing irritably, “Get lost!”
He turned his head in another direction and was about to sleep again.
I caught the book and kicked again.
“Fuck! Are you done or not!”
Li Zhan finally got up, looked at me with a cold face, and fell silent.
He stared at me for a long time, then leaned his head against the wall, wiped his face, and said to himself, “I’m not awake yet.”
I threw the book in my hand at him. “Are you awake now?”
Li Zhan: “…”
The class bell rang, and Li Zhan whispered to me, “Why did you come here?”
“I transferred.”
Li Zhan frowned. “Why transfer? Your original school was good. The teaching quality of Chenghua is pretty bad.”
“To pursue you.”
“What?”
I leaned closer to him and whispered in his ear, “I transferred to pursue you.”
Li Zhan raised his hand, used his index finger to push my forehead, and pushed me away. He looked at me and sneered. “I hate love – struck people the most.”
He withdrew his hand and said expressionlessly, “Jing Zhao, go back to your own school.”
The English teacher on the podium couldn’t bear it anymore. “Li Zhan, take your new deskmate and get out to make out.”
Li Zhan: “…”
Me: “…”
I silently covered my face. Ugh, so embarrassing.
6
I became famous because of the English teacher’s shout. From then on, I lost my name and became “the wild new student who makes out with Li Zhan.”
The third time I woke Li Zhan up from his sleep and forced him to study, the way the chubby boy looked at me had changed from horror to admiration.
He secretly gave me a thumbs – up. “New student, you’re awesome.”
And Li Zhan’s annoyance was almost bursting out from the top of his head.
I pointed to the book and told him to take notes. “Here, mark it.”
Li Zhan refused to yield, lowering his voice and saying fiercely, “Don’t think you can do whatever you want just because you have a crush on me!”
I glanced at him. “Write quickly. Don’t force me to kiss you in the sacred classroom.”
Li Zhan: “…”
Li Zhan was tortured by me for an afternoon. As soon as the class bell rang, he jumped up from his seat and limped out as if fleeing for his life.
I grabbed the hem of his clothes and looked up at him. “Where are you going?”
“To the toilet.”
“I’ll go with you.”
Li Zhan quickly refused. “No need.”
I stood up and put my arm around him. “Let’s go. It’s not convenient for you with a lame leg. I’ll support you.”
Li Zhan raised his eyebrows and repeated meaningfully, “You’ll support me?”
He gritted his teeth, laughed, and said, “All right.”
I was stunned for a moment, then realized and laughed.
This little rascal was bad from a young age.
But it was just a verbal advantage. When I really touched his waistband and pretended to support him, Li Zhan held my hand down.
He lowered his voice. “Fuck, you’re serious?”
He pinched my hand, blushed, and lowered his head. “I was wrong, bro. I’ll do it myself. I’m afraid I’ll dirty your hand.”
I tickled his lower abdomen and laughed meaningfully. “Recite thirty words to me every night, and I’ll let you off once.”
Li Zhan hesitated. “I advise you not to push your luck.”
My hand moved, reaching down.
Li Zhan pressed my hand hard, took a deep breath. “I’ll recite! I’ll recite!”
For half a month, I watched Li Zhan study during the day and recite books at night.
I also made a study plan for him.
Li Zhan was used to being wild. Making him study honestly for a while was like killing him.
Sometimes, when he was pushed to the limit, he would throw the book, give up, and say harsh words.
But a kiss would make him submit. Li Zhan was tall and big, yet he let me press him on the bed and kiss him until he gasped.
I lay on him, acting arrogantly. “If you don’t study, I’ll kiss you!”
Li Zhan covered his eyes with one arm and put the other around my waist, as if afraid I’d fall. He sighed and said in a hoarse voice, “Jing Zhao, what on earth do you want to do by tossing like this?”
Listening to his strong and steady heartbeat, I felt at ease.
“Li Zhan, have you ever thought about the future?” I hugged him tightly. “Let’s get into a good school. Let’s go to the same university, okay?”
Going to school together, starting a business together, growing old together.
This time, we’ll support each other, and no one is allowed to leave first.
Okay?
Li Zhan didn’t speak.
7
Li Zhan hadn’t fought, caused trouble, skipped class, or left early for a month.
In the monthly exam, his rank changed from the last one to the eighth from the bottom.
He even knew to greet the teacher when he saw them, although it was because I forced him to.
The head teacher held my hand with tears in his eyes and praised me. “Student Jing Zhao, I want to give you an award!”
No need for that.
On the day I received the “Peacekeeper Award,” Li Zhan skipped school.
I searched for him outside the school for a long time and finally found him at the entrance of an alley near Li Zhan’s home.
The plaster on Li Zhan’s leg had been removed. He was dragging a steel pipe, walking towards a group of young thugs across the way with confidence and arrogance.
Damn it, one against six. He’s courting death!
I picked up a brick and rushed up. When I caught up with Li Zhan, I turned my head to look at him and said through gritted teeth, “I told you to call me when you fight. Did you take it as a fart? I’ll deal with you later.”
Li Zhan was stunned for a moment, cursed, and stopped fighting. He threw away the steel pipe, grabbed my wrist, and ran.
The young thugs behind us chased after us, cursing.
The wind blew through our hair. Li Zhan shouted at me, “Are you stupid? Who the hell asked you to come!”
I was too out – of – breath to speak.
After running through several streets and alleys and getting rid of the people behind us, Li Zhan let go of me.
My heart was over – burdened, almost bursting.
I leaned on my knees, gasping for breath.
Li Zhan glanced at me and then turned to leave.
I grabbed his wrist and stared at him intently. “Where are you going? Come back to school with me.”
Li Zhan had his back to me. He was silent for a few seconds.
His tone was cold. “Let go.”
Not only did I not let go, but I held on tighter.
Li Zhan lowered his eyes to look at me. “Jing Zhao, it’s been a month. Haven’t you had enough fun?”
My heart went cold. “What did you say?”
“Everything has an end. You’ve had enough fun, so go back. I’m very busy. I really don’t have time to play this game of saving a poor – performing student with you.”
Li Zhan spoke calmly, but every word landed like a hammer, making a hole in my heart.
I stood up straight, trembling with anger. I grabbed Li Zhan’s collar. “You think I’ve done all this just to play with you?!”
Little brute.
Heartless.
Li Zhan leaned against the wall, lit a cigarette, and looked at me calmly. “Otherwise?”
“Otherwise?” I almost wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. My eyes were red with anger. “Am I full and have nothing better to do, coming to this shitty place to play with you, a piece of shit? Am I crazy, taking care of you when you’re injured? Am I masochistic, staying up late to make a study plan for you and organize your notes? Playing around? I’ve bared my heart to you, and you think I’m just playing?”
Smoke surrounded his cold face. Li Zhan remained unmoved, his voice cold and deep. “Jing Zhao, do you think you’re so great and affectionate?”
He sneered. “Don’t indulge in self – pity.”
I was stunned. My heart tightened. I laughed in disbelief. “What did you say?”
“I said you’re being self – indulgent and one – sided. You imposed so many expectations on me without asking if I wanted them. ‘Study hard, make progress every day.’ To hell with studying hard. Jing Zhao, if you like students with good grades and those who are honest and well – behaved so much, you should just find a straight – A student. Why do you have to try to reform me? It makes everyone uncomfortable.”
“For more than ten years, I’ve been living fine. There’s nothing wrong with me, and I don’t want to change.
I’m just like this, a scumbag, a degenerate. I can’t study well, and I can’t learn. I can’t go to any damn university with you, and I have no future.”
Li Zhan flicked the ash, lowered his eyes, and said, “Jing Zhao, I’m not what you think. You want me to stand shoulder to shoulder with you, but I can’t do it. You’ll be disappointed sooner or later.”
“That day, I heard you talking on the phone with your dad.” Li Zhan finished smoking a cigarette, and his voice was extremely hoarse. “Your dad was right. Chenghua is a lousy school. You don’t belong here. You should go back to your original school. We’re not from the same world.”
8
Li Zhan heard Jing Zhao answering the phone secretly and arguing with his father.
He smoked three cigarettes in the bathroom.
Jing Zhao’s father was right.
Chenghua was lousy, and Jing Zhao was outstanding.
Jing Zhao was ruining his future by staying in Chenghua, especially by hanging out with him.
Actually, he should have driven Jing Zhao away on the first day he transferred to Chenghua.
He had a hundred ways to make the young master, who had never suffered, give up.
But later, he didn’t use any of them.
As soon as Jing Zhao came up and kissed him affectionately, Li Zhan’s mind went blank.
Li Zhan was really afraid of Jing Zhao’s kisses.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t attracted.
He was too attracted.
So attracted that evil thoughts grew wildly. He wanted to keep this person, tie him up, and make sure he couldn’t leave in the future.
That day, when Jing Zhao held him and said they would go to the same university, Li Zhan’s blood boiled.
Even that whole month, he forgot what kind of person he was and really put effort into studying, really fantasizing that he could go to the same university as Jing Zhao.
Until the debt – collectors came.
The leader, called Scar, said, “The friend you made recently is quite rich. Borrow some money from him.”
It was like a bucket of cold water poured over him. Li Zhan felt cold to the bone.
He only had one thought: he couldn’t let these scumbags target Jing Zhao.
His life was cheap. If it was ruined, so be it.
But Jing Zhao was such a beautiful young master. It would break his heart if something happened to him.
Li Zhan hated it.
Hated his fate, his lousy father, and himself.
Why couldn’t he learn his lesson?
How could he even dream of someone like Jing Zhao? Did he deserve it?
9
Li Zhan’s words were so heartless, trampling on me and himself.
I couldn’t hold back and punched him. I grabbed him and punched his abdomen three times.
Li Zhan frowning，didn’t fight back at all.
I was so angry that I bit his chin and said hatefully, “It’s none of your business where I want to study. Whether we’re from the same world or not isn’t up to you to decide.”
Then I moved up to kiss his lips.
Li Zhan dodged a bit, but I slapped him, and he became obedient, letting me kiss him like a dead person.
The more I kissed, the angrier I got.
Li Zhan’s face was cold, but his body was burning hot. He was just pretending.
After venting enough, I calmed down instead. I held Li Zhan’s shoulders and asked with suppressed anger, “Talk properly. What exactly happened?”
I don’t believe a single word that Li Zhan doesn’t like me. Don’t I know him well enough? I’m exactly Li Zhan’s type. In Li Zhan’s words, “I’m just the right fit, every bit of me grows right on his heart.”
If Li Zhan doesn’t like me, there’s no one he likes in this world. This confidence was given to me by Li Zhan. During those ten years, that old man was wish one could to take out his heart and let me play with it.
This past month, Li Zhan has been completely tamed by me. Occasionally, when he got annoyed by studying, a couple of kisses would make him obedient. If there wasn’t something wrong, Li Zhan wouldn’t be acting so abnormally and desperately trying to push me away.
I thought that as long as we talked things out and solved the problem, everything would be okay. But Li Zhan didn’t seem to think so.
He asked coldly, “Have you finished going crazy?”
“If you’re done, let go.” He pushed me away, straightened his messed – up clothes, and said, “If you want to stay in Chenghua, then stay. You’re right, I can’t control you, and you’d better stop meddling in my affairs.”
10
Li Zhan didn’t go to school for a week. He made it clear to me that as long as I didn’t leave, he wouldn’t go to school either.
Before I could figure out what to do, my dad came back from his business trip, and we had a big argument at home because of my transfer.
I casually said to him, “Mind your own business and check the company’s accounts more.”
The old man was very confident. “You know nothing about the company’s affairs. Take care of yourself!”
“You know very well how many people you’ve offended in business. In recent years, you’ve only focused on business cooperation. Have you ever checked the accounts? A small leak will sink a great ship. If you don’t pay attention, you’ll be cheated and end up crying. Asking you to check the accounts isn’t a big deal. Just do it by the way.”
The old man stared at me, then laughed. “You really worry about a lot of things.”
Judging from his words, he took it to heart. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was just afraid that my words wouldn’t carry any weight and the old man wouldn’t listen to me.
Later, I mentioned it a few more times, and the old man finally started checking. And indeed, he found something.
President Jing had something to be busy with again. I hope he can be more promising this time and not go bankrupt again.
There are still seven years until his bankruptcy. If it really comes to that, I’ll support him.
Since I couldn’t catch Li Zhan at school, I simply rented a house near his home. I was still angry, so I didn’t rush to find him.
Li Zhan was just like that. Whenever something happened, he preferred to bear it alone. His mouth was tighter than a clam’s.
Back then, when the anti – gang campaign affected him, he was in a mess, but he didn’t say a word in front of me. It was only when Li Zhan’s judgment came down that I knew he had been arrested.
Since Li Zhan didn’t want to talk, I decided to find out on my own. I hired a private detective to follow him for a few days, and I really found out something.
“His father’s business failed, and he borrowed three million in usury and ran away. By now, the debt has probably grown even larger. The debt – collectors come by from time to time. This kid is tough. He never just takes a beating. Every time they come to collect the debt, it ends up with both sides getting hurt. The debt – collectors also find it unlucky. After a few times, they reached an agreement that he would pay eight hundred yuan a month. The kid works part – time jobs, and he can somehow manage the eight hundred yuan.”
“But recently, the debt – collectors heard that he made a rich friend and thought eight hundred yuan was too little. They want him to borrow twenty thousand yuan from that rich friend all at once.”
I understood. That “rich friend” was me. No wonder Li Zhan was in a hurry to distance himself from me.
I paid the detective and wanted him to follow for a few more days. But the detective waved his hand and refused. “No way. That kid found me and chased me for two streets. If I hadn’t run fast, I would have been beaten. Following him any further would ruin my reputation.”
I didn’t force it. Li Zhan didn’t want me to get involved in his affairs. He didn’t trust me enough to open up to me. He wanted to push me out of his world and sink alone. Dream on!
Li Zhan did jobs that made money quickly, but they were also very risky. He was good at fighting and worked as security in various entertainment venues. Well, it was actually more like being a thug.
I put on the most flamboyant clothes, a thin knitted sweater with a wide open collar, and went to the bar where Li Zhan worked.
When Li Zhan saw me, he was stunned for a moment. His eyes were like sharp knives, sizing me up from head to toe. He frowned deeply, opened his mouth, and bit his cheek, but in the end, he didn’t say anything.
A young guy with blond hair came over to strike up a conversation and share a table. When he was persuading me to drink, his hand was touching me randomly. Later, he took out a cigarette, brought the lighter close, and asked, “Do you smoke?”
I lowered my head, held the cigarette he offered, and reached for the lighter. Before I could light it, the cigarette in my mouth was taken away.
I looked up and saw Li Zhan putting the wet cigarette butt in his mouth, tilting his head to light it, taking a puff, and then pressing it into the ashtray. He said to the blond guy, “Sorry, he doesn’t smoke.”
He exhaled a puff of smoke, squeezed the back of my neck with his hand, and looked at me. “Have you had enough fun?”
My head was in a daze, and I smiled at him.
Li Zhan’s eyes darkened. He frowned in annoyance, pinched my face as if to take revenge, and said viciously, “You still have the nerve to smile.”
He used force to pull me up from the sofa and walked away. The blond guy wasn’t happy. He grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. “Dude, don’t you know the rule of first – come, first – served?”
Li Zhan pushed his hand away and said calmly, “How do you know you came first?”
The blond guy tried to pull me again. Li Zhan put his arm around me, took a step back, pressed me into his arms, turned around, and pointed at him. His eyes were gloomy, full of irritability. “Don’t move! If you touch him again, I’m afraid I can’t help but beat you until you’re disabled. Seriously. Stand there and don’t mess with me. It’s for your own good.”
When Li Zhan got angry, anyone would be scared. The blond guy didn’t dare to move at all.
Li Zhan took me out of the bar. After walking through several streets and alleys, when the noise faded away, he stopped.
As soon as he let go of my wrist, my back hit the wall hard. Then, Li Zhan pressed down. He bit my lips, kissing me roughly like a dog.
His hand reached in from the bottom of the loose knitted sweater, grabbed my pectoral muscle hard, and then moved down. His hands were full of calluses and he used a lot of strength, making me feel numb and painful.
Li Zhan kissed so hard that I kept leaning back, and my neck was almost broken. When my lips were swollen, he finally let go. He kissed down from my chin, to my Adam’s apple, and then to my collarbone.
He thought I was too short, so he put his arm around my waist and lifted me up a bit. He put one of his legs between mine to support me.
I couldn’t control my emotions, tilted my head back, and called his name intermittently. Li Zhan’s kisses became more and more excessive. He lifted up the wide – open knitted sweater and bit my pectoral muscle.
His hand rubbed my lower abdomen and then went to unbutton my pants. I was shocked and firmly held his hand. “Li Zhan! That’s enough. We can’t do this!”
This was outside!
“Why not?” Li Zhan looked up, his breathing uneven. His palm was pressed against my lower abdomen, his lips were moist, and his eyes were hazy. “You dressed like this and came here on purpose to provoke me. Isn’t this what you want?”
Now my mind cleared up, and the desire that had been aroused was gone. I asked in disbelief, “What did you say?”
Li Zhan chuckled, his tone cruel. “What are you pretending for? You’ve been provoking me all night. Do you really think I can’t tell? You want it? I’ll give it to you.”
I slapped Li Zhan’s face and pushed him away forcefully. Li Zhan’s head was turned to the side by my slap. The corner of his mouth was broken, and his dark eyes reflected the light of the street lamp, cold and piercing.
After a long while, he raised his hand and wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth. I turned around and walked back. After walking a few steps, Li Zhan caught up with me, grabbed my wrist, and pulled me back. “Where are you going?”
I sneered. “Do you care?”
“I don’t care about you.” Li Zhan pulled up the wide – open collar of my knitted sweater. He was still heartless. “But if you want to fool around, go somewhere else. Don’t act like a slut in front of me.”
Not a single word he said was pleasant to hear. I nodded. “Fine. I’ll find a place where you can’t see me and have fun with others.”
Li Zhan’s hand holding my wrist suddenly tightened. He stared at me fiercely, too angry to speak. He didn’t move for a long time.
I moved my wrist. “Let go.”
Li Zhan still didn’t move. He suppressed the rising anger bit by bit. After a long while, he forced out a sentence, “I didn’t mean that.”
After a long time, Li Zhan lowered his head and said in a muffled voice, “I was wrong today. Don’t be angry with me. Go back, Jing Zhao. I’m begging you.”
“Please, go back… Don’t be like this.”
I saw the teenager’s red – rimmed eyes, like a trapped beast that couldn’t break free from the net that bound him no matter what.
He was in so much pain, so desperate. After using all his cruel methods, he finally ran out of tricks. He bent down, lowered his head, and begged me.
I looked up and took a deep breath. Jing Zhao, you’re such an asshole. Why are you bullying him like this? He’s already in so much pain.
Before he said those heartbreaking words, he must have stabbed his own heart thousands of times.
I hurt, and he hurt too.
11
But, without pain, he won’t learn his lesson. I took two steps forward, held Li Zhan’s face, kissed his red – rimmed eyes, and asked, “Li Zhan, are you really at ease leaving me alone?”
Li Zhan trembled when I kissed him but didn’t say anything.
I continued, “Look, I won’t live a better life alone. Really. If you don’t want me anymore, I can do anything. I’m already crazy. If you don’t hold me back, I’ll die.”
Li Zhan said, “Jing Zhao, what on earth do you want? I’m not worth it! It’s not worth it for me! Do you understand? Why do you have to get involved with me? You deserve better, but not me.”
Whether it was the 18 – year – old Li Zhan or the 30 – year – old Li Zhan, whether he had nothing or achieved success, Li Zhan always felt from the bottom of his heart that he didn’t deserve me.
So the 18 – year – old him pushed me away, and the 30 – year – old him kept silent with the ring in his hand.
I asked him, “Better? Li Zhan, is there anyone in this world who can treat me better than you?”
Li Zhan looked at me for a long time, then lowered his head, covered his face with his hands, slowly squatted down, and curled up on the ground.
I heard the 18 – year – old Li Zhan’s suppressed sobs. Hoarse, choking.
“Why are you forcing me? I can’t bear it… I can’t bear it either…”
12
After pushing Li Zhan to that extent, I didn’t give him a chance to retreat. Two months after he disappeared, I brought Li Zhan back to Chenghua again.
The grades that had finally improved a bit regressed to the starting point after this incident. After giving him a good lesson, Li Zhan became much more obedient and would even take notes on his own initiative.
I smiled with relief. But when I looked at the table, I was furious. “This is a math class. What the hell are you writing in the physics book?”
Li Zhan:?
I could feel that he was absent – minded. Not only was he absent – minded, but his whole body was tense, and his temper was getting worse and worse.
At first, I couldn’t find out the reason. Later, I saw Li Zhan hooking shoulders with the debt – collecting thugs at the entrance of the alley, beating up a middle – aged man together.
Li Zhan’s expression was indifferent, but his strikes were heavy. After getting the money from the man, the young man with a scar on his face put his arm around Li Zhan’s shoulder and said with a smile, “You’re really something, bro. We’ve been chasing this deadbeat for three months, and he didn’t say a word. You managed to subdue him. Boss Feng really has an eye for people. You’re cut out for this job. If you had followed Boss Feng earlier, you would have become prosperous long ago. Let’s go have a meal together?”
Li Zhan threw his hand off, picked up his schoolbag by the wall, waved his hand, and walked back. “No, I have something to do.”
I followed him at a distance. I saw Li Zhan turn into a public restroom, slowly wash the blood off his hands, stand under the building where I rented for a while, and then turn around and go home.
When he came out again, he had changed into a new set of clothes. He was holding his schoolbag in his left hand and an English book in his right hand, walking towards my home. He recited words all the way.
When he reached downstairs of my home and still hadn’t memorized them, he recited for a while at the stairway before going upstairs.
He got all the words right in the English dictation in the evening. Li Zhan watched me finish correcting and sneered.
I said indifferently, “Not bad. Do your math now.”
Li Zhan stared at me without moving. I turned my head to do my homework.
Li Zhan moved closer, looking unhappy. “Jing Zhao, did you forget something?”
I didn’t even look up. “What?”
“I got all the words right in the English dictation!”
“Oh.”
Li Zhan propped his head up, staring at me intently. “Jing Zhao, you forgot to kiss me. Before, when I got all the words right in the English dictation, you would kiss me.”
Kiss him? I was already being nice not to beat him. I threw down my pen, looked up at him, and deliberately asked, “Li Zhan, who is Boss Feng?”
Waiting for him to confess by himself? I’d have to wait until the next life.
13
Boss Feng, Xu Feng. I knew him.
At that time, he was already the chairman of Junbo Group. Three years after I was with Li Zhan, this man died.
He was killed by Li Zhan. After he died, Li Zhan dug up his grave and sat on the balcony smoking half a pack of cigarettes.
He said casually, “If it weren’t for him, maybe I could have been a good person.”
Later, Li Zhan was arrested. His crime should not have been worthy of death originally.
But he was sentenced to death because he had killed someone. He was forced to be a thug for Xu Feng before and got his hands dirty, so he couldn’t be considered innocent.
Xu Feng pushed Li Zhan, who was at the end of his rope, into hell.
I thought that this time, since I held Li Zhan back, we could avoid Xu Feng.
But I was deceived by Li Zhan. I thought he had learned his lesson, but in the end, it was all an act for me.
He still didn’t tell me anything. He still carried everything on his own.
Didn’t he think about whether his worthless life could bear it?
Li Zhan suddenly stood up, knocking over the chair. He leaned on the backrest, his eyes tense, and a hint of irritability between his brows. “How do you know about him? Did they come to you? Did they threaten you?”
I looked at him quietly.
Li Zhan stood up straight, paced around the room twice, then leaned down again, held my face, and seemed flustered. He spoke very fast, “Jing Zhao, don’t be afraid. You go back to your home and stay there for a few days. Don’t live here anymore. Your family has a driver and bodyguards, so you’ll be safe. Don’t come to me recently. You…”
“Li Zhan.” I held his arm to soothe his emotions. “Calm down. I’m not afraid.”
The one who was afraid was him.
Li Zhan was quiet for a moment. The veins on his forehead twitched a few times, and then he turned and rushed towards the door.
I quickly jumped up and hugged his waist. “Where are you going?”
The string in Li Zhan’s mind snapped. His eyes were blood – red, like an enraged wild beast. “I’m going to find them. I’m going to kill them! I’ve promised them everything. Why do they still come to you? Since that’s the case, let’s all die!”
“They didn’t come to me! I saw it myself! I saw you hanging out with that Scar – faced guy and beating people.”
Li Zhan became quiet. He stood with his back to me, motionless.
I said softly, “Li Zhan, they threatened you with me, right?”
Li Zhan pulled my hands away and said in a hoarse voice, “You’ve seen it all… I have no future. I only have ten million in debt and endless troubles. Jing Zhao, think again, think carefully.”
He opened the door, didn’t look back, and just said in a rough voice, “Jing Zhao, it’s okay to give up on me.”
13
Li Zhan retreated back into his shell again.
I sold my personal belongings and took out the lucky money I had saved for more than ten years, gathered 200,000 yuan, and went to find that Scar – faced guy to see Xu Feng.
200,000 yuan to buy Li Zhan for one year. And I promised that within five years, Li Zhan would pay off all his debts.
I thought it would be difficult, and I even thought about what to do if Xu Feng didn’t want to let Li Zhan go.
But, Xu Feng agreed very readily. It was originally a bad debt that couldn’t be recovered. Now that someone was willing to pay to fill the hole, Xu Feng had no reason to refuse. He was afraid the money would run away and didn’t play hard – to – get.
Xu Feng hadn’t valued Li Zhan highly yet. He didn’t take him seriously. At most, he just let him collect debts under him.
In Xu Feng’s eyes, Li Zhan at that time was far from worth 200,000 yuan.
Xu Feng counted the money and said to me with a smile, “I told that kid to borrow from you earlier, but he wasn’t willing. I don’t mean to make things difficult for him. After all, it’s only natural to pay back debts.”
I didn’t have time to listen to his nonsense. I dealt with him a few words and left.
When I came out, the sun was shining brightly, stinging my eyes. I thought it was ridiculous.
Something that could be solved with 200,000 yuan, something so easy, had cost Li Zhan his whole life.
What a mess.
14
On the third day Li Zhan asked for leave, I broke into his house. This was the first time I had been to Li Zhan’s home.
The house wasn’t big, and there were few items, but they were all neatly placed. The only mess was the scattered wine bottles in the living room and Li Zhan, who was unconsciousness on the sofa with a wine bottle in his arms.
I paid the locksmith and walked over. I squatted beside the sofa and patted Li Zhan’s face. “Wake up.”
Li Zhan frowned, opened his eyes, stared at me for a long time, then let go of the wine bottle and tried to hug me.
He was strong. He hugged me, rolled over, and squeezed me between him and the sofa. His long arms and legs wrapped around me, holding me tightly. His chin rubbed randomly on my head as he mumbled, “Jing Zhao…”
He called again, “Jing Zhao.”
“Don’t leave, don’t ignore me…”
The villain filing the complaint first. Who ignored whom first?
Li Zhan was clearly not sober, half – drunk and half – feverish. He was so hot to the touch.
I pushed him. “Li Zhan, let go. You have a fever. I’ll get you some medicine.”
Instead of letting go, Li Zhan hugged me even tighter and said unreasonably, “No.”
He added, “I got all the words right in the English dictation.”
“…”
He still remembered that.
His big hand touched my face, groping to kiss me, from the tip of my nose to my lips. He said in a hoarse voice, “All right, reward me.”
Only then did I realize that before, when I could push Li Zhan away, he had been holding back his strength. If Li Zhan didn’t want to let go, I couldn’t push him away at all. This guy was incredibly strong.
With his eyes closed, he kissed me from top to bottom. He lifted my shirt up and kept kissing until he reached my belly button, and then he tried to pull down my pants.
I was uncomfortable being kissed by him and pushed his shoulder. “Li Zhan, you’re still having a fever. Wait until you recover…”
Li Zhan held my wrist and kissed my hand little by little, mumbling, “No fever, no illness. I’m fine.”
Fine? I was almost burned to death by him.
15
Li Zhan, charging ahead despite being ill, collapsed right after. I shakily found two pieces of antipyretics and fed them to him haphazardly.
Then I fell onto the bed and dozed off. You brute! I’ll settle the score with you when you wake up.
When I woke up again, it was dusk. The sky was getting dark. Li Zhan was sitting by the bedside smoking.
I leaned over and, when he wasn’t expecting it, used my hand to crush his cigarette butt. “Fuck!”
Li Zhan quickly moved the cigarette away and pressed it into the ashtray. He held my hand, looking at the burn mark, and the veins on his forehead were bulging. “Jing Zhao, do you want a beating? That’s a cigarette butt. You crushed it with your hand?!”
I didn’t care much and said, “Don’t smoke anymore. You’re so young and not learning good things. You’ll get sick when you’re old.”
Li Zhan didn’t say anything. He just kept looking at my hand. After looking for a long time, he held my burned finger and put it in his mouth.
The fingertip felt soft. My heart softened too. I pulled my hand out, held Li Zhan’s face, and kissed him.
Li Zhan put his arm around my waist, let me kiss him for a while, then hugged me tightly into his arms and said in a hoarse voice, “I’m afraid of you.”
16
Li Zhan’s grades were extremely poor, and it was too late to make up for them. Naturally, his college entrance examination results were not ideal.
268 points. This hit Li Zhan hard. I wanted to accompany him to review, but Li Zhan didn’t agree.
But he couldn’t beat me in a fight of wills.
During that year of review, Li Zhan was really going all out. Sometimes, when I got up at night, I could see Li Zhan working hard at his desk with a lamp on.
Before, I had to force Li Zhan to study. Now, I had to force Li Zhan to rest.
Li Zhan didn’t seem to mind. Instead, he comforted me, saying, “It’s okay. I’m not tired.”
Several times, he even fell asleep while eating. I was so angry that I quarreled with him. Li Zhan listened to me scolding him, and after that, he would hug me and kiss me.
Until one time, after a quarrel, Li Zhan lowered his eyes and said, “Jing Zhao, I can’t let you down.”
“You said we would go to the same university. I remember that. You can’t forget it either.”
“Jing Zhao, I don’t want you to accommodate me.” Li Zhan stroked my face, his eyes gentle. “You deserve the best. But if it has to be me, I hope I can be the best.”
Li Zhan didn’t know that he had always been the best.
17
When I was 35 years old, Li Zhan had achieved great success in his career.
Even my father spoke highly of him. The reason, of course, also included that ten years ago, Li Zhan had helped him through the bankruptcy crisis. At that time, to fill the hole in my father’s accounts, Li Zhan took out all his savings, and his newly – started company almost couldn’t continue.
On August 7th, there was a heavy rain. I dreamed of Li Zhan’s grave and woke up startled. I stared blankly at the heavy rain outside the window.
The door behind me opened. I heard a man’s heavy breathing. Li Zhan rushed in, drenched in rain, gasping for breath, with red eyes.
I was stunned. “Weren’t you on a business trip? Why…”
Li Zhan took a few quick steps, rushed up, and hugged me tightly, calling my name.
“Jing Zhao.”
“Jing Zhao…”
Warm and wet drops fell on my neck. Li Zhan’s voice was hoarse and choked. “My Jing Zhao, you’ve suffered.”
In an instant, my eyes filled with tears. I grabbed Li Zhan’s clothes tightly and burst into tears.
“Li Zhan, I dreamed that you died.”
“I won’t die. I’ll accompany Jing Zhao and live a long life.”
(The End)
